The Wake Up Call

Alright, so maybe I didn't follow through on my plan to post more frequently. Today I'll try to recap what has been going on in the past month.

I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely cool and fun to hang out with. It was like having a girlfriend without the commitment part. I thought to myself, what an ideal situation. Over time, I noticed that I began to have feelings for her as possibly something more than friends. I had an idea that she felt this way also, but neither one of us said anything. Around sometime in October, I had a crazy idea of wanting a threesome with Gwen and another girl. I brought this up to her and she was down with it. I told her that this was what I wanted for my birthday, so she went looking for a girl for us.

A few weeks later I met and briefly dated a woman named "Jan". I knew from the get go that things wouldn't be long term with Jan. She was 39 years old for starters(no offense to those pushing 40) so I figured it would just be something to do to pass the time. Jan fell for me hard and fast. I knew I could ask her to do just about anything and she would say yes. One night, I went to a friends housewarming party and after way too many drinks, I made a call to Jan and asked her if she wanted to have a threesome. She said yes, so I called up Gwen and we set it up for that night.
We all got together, did what we did and then that was it...so I thought. This event would later turn into one of the biggest mistakes ever. As I mentioned earlier, I had a feeling that Gwen was interested in me as more than a friend and it turns out I was right. Seeing me with Jan really pissed her off inside, but she made it seem like no big deal, so I thought everything was cool. Of course I eventually got bored with Jan and broke it off shortly after.

As I mentioned earlier, Gwen had been looking for a girl for us and she had found one. She gave me her myspace to check out and the girl and I exchanged messages for awhile. One thing led to another and the next thing I know, this girl was taking me out on a date. She was a young, gorgeous,successful and smart girl in the military. If you read my last post, this girl may sound familiar. After a few dates, we decided that Gwen should know about us. As usual, Gwen played it off cool. Gwen is alot like me. I'm not sure if she is borderline or anything, but she does have really good manipulation skills and after a few weeks she began to slowly put ideas in my head. Ideas that the military girl was going to be moving away, so the odds of things working out would be slim. Of course I already knew this in my head, but she just reinforced it.

I don't remember who brought it up first but basically Gwen and I admitted to each other that we had feelings and wanted to be together as more than friends. I ended things with the military girl and in mid December, Gwen and I officially became an item.

Fast forward to December 15th. This is a day that I will never forget as long as I live. Gwen and I had been a couple for 2 days. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied. I'm guessing the kid realized the crazy look in my eye because he yelled "I'm so sorry sir". It was kind of funny actually. Even though I am anonymous on my blog, I'm going to leave out what happened immediately after this as I really don't feel like getting arrested.

I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I titled this post "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.

More than anything, I wanted to know why she did this to me. Just a few days earlier she had admitted how she wanted to be with me for months but didn't tell me. Then 2 days into the relationship she does this. She told me that she hadn't planned on it, but after 6 shots of tequila, she began to replay the night with Jan in her head and she got really pissed and wanted to get back at me. Is that just an excuse? Only she knows, but I guess you could say she did get her revenge. I mean she knew I was coming over and the door was unlocked so if she was trying to be sneaky then she was going about it all wrong. I don't know what to think, but I really believe she is remorseful and wouldn't do it again. So yes, I am still talking to her...should I? I have no idea. I'm sure people get second chances all the time when this happens, I guess it just normally doesnt happen after a few days together. I've talked to a few friends about it. Some have said, leave her, you can do alot better. I even talked to Sybil about it and she reminded me of the second chances she gave me. I really want to believe her and have things work, but I'm afraid of what I will do to her if she ever does that again.

Any input would be appreciated, but for now I'm just taking one day at a time.