To catch you up to date real quick, I am still living with Gwen. Some days are good, some not so good, but overall I am happy. I realized something last weekend. I have a serious drinking problem. Ever since I started drinking when I was 20 or so, it has always been all or nothing. By that, I mean, I have never been able to just have a beer or two with a meal or at a party. I drink until I am near passing out. It got to the point where I could have 15-20 beers and be fine. I was going through a 750ml bottle of tequila in a weekend. Early on, it was fun, I had a good time and nothing bad ever came from it. The last few years have been progressively worse. I would find myself drinking alone more then with others. If I was alone, I would usually end up really depressed by the end of the night. If I was with a girl, I would turn into a monster. I reached the breaking point last weekend. I was at the house and had finished a bottle of tequila over a few hours. I then moved to vodka and I don't recall what set me off, but I started to get very angry at gwen. I had already broken her phone in a drunken rage several weeks back and threatened to do the same again. I took a screwdriver and stabbed the phone screen, poked a hole through the bedroom door and ripped up her bed sheets that she had just purchased a month before. I then took my anger out on gwen. I pushed her off the bed and she began to fall to the floor. As she did so, I grabbed her hair and ripped some out in the process. At this point, she told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me and wanted me out of her house and out of her life. This was the first time she had told me anything like that. I had always taken her for granted up until this point. I then felt the lowest I have ever felt. I felt like my father.
The next day after I woke up, bits and pieces of the previous night began to come back to me. After Gwen and I talked for a few hours, I was given one final chance and this time, I knew she meant it. I spent a good part of the day in self reflection and realized that drinking has caused nothing but problems for me. Being borderline poses its own problems for me, but when you throw alcohol in the mix, the problems intensify 1000%. I decided then and there that if I ever was going to get better, taking alcohol out of my life for good was the first step. I asked Gwen if she could find an alcoholics anonymous meeting for me to attend and she found a beginners meeting that is held on Wednesday nights. I went to my first meeting several days ago. I listened to the fellow members and realized that we all had so much in common and I was very encouraged by those who had been sober for years. Alcoholism isn't a sickness that you can cure, but a lifelong struggle. So far I have been sober for 6 days and counting. My name is Me and I'm an alcoholic.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The revelation
My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis. One day she offered me a room in her house until I could find an apartment. No strings, no expectations on either one of our parts. I thought about it awhile and decided to accept her invitation. I moved in around the third week of August.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
Friday, July 4, 2008
The mexican and the mexican't
So when I last left you, I promised to tell you the story of the girl I met. Well that didn't last too long, so I'll paraphrase. I met a girl from mexico. She was pretty,smart,never married no kids. She was also here on a tourist visa and had to leave in May. Now I have a problem having a relationship in the same city,much less different countries. For the first few weeks after she went back, I actually really missed her. It was an odd feeling for me. Then over time, I started wondering about "what else was out there" and eventually I told her things just weren't going to work out. I had already cheated on her at this point, with Gwen of all people. The difference was that I actually felt bad about it. She genuinely loved me and meant no harm, but I knew I couldn't deal with the separation.
Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.
Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Hey there
Just figured I would check in. I'm still alive and haven't gone off the deep end,lol. My last post was in January and all in all, things have been ok. I ended the relationship with Gwen for good a long time ago. We still talk from time to time, but its strictly as friends. I noticed I received quite a few comments from my "wake up call" post, mostly negative, but it's cool, its just others opinions and they are entitled to them.
My grandfather is in the nursing home still and I'm sure will be there until it is his time. We had a close call about a month or 2 ago and basically everybody went and said their goodbyes, but he pulled through. I do worry about my grandmother though and how she will deal with the inevitable. I have a feeling she still thinks he will miraculously get 100% and return home, but I'm afraid its just not gonna happen. I need to go visit him more, but its really hard for me to see him in the state he is in. Maybe I'm in denial of my own. Anyhow, I'm still living at their house and overall its not too bad. I still plan on getting my own place sometime this summer though.
Relationship wise...I took 2 months off from dating after the gwen thing ended and it felt great. That was the longest I have gone without being in a relationship in as long as i can remember. I admit, it wasn't always easy, but it was necessary.Then sometime in March, I met a girl. I'll write more on that tomorrow...
My grandfather is in the nursing home still and I'm sure will be there until it is his time. We had a close call about a month or 2 ago and basically everybody went and said their goodbyes, but he pulled through. I do worry about my grandmother though and how she will deal with the inevitable. I have a feeling she still thinks he will miraculously get 100% and return home, but I'm afraid its just not gonna happen. I need to go visit him more, but its really hard for me to see him in the state he is in. Maybe I'm in denial of my own. Anyhow, I'm still living at their house and overall its not too bad. I still plan on getting my own place sometime this summer though.
Relationship wise...I took 2 months off from dating after the gwen thing ended and it felt great. That was the longest I have gone without being in a relationship in as long as i can remember. I admit, it wasn't always easy, but it was necessary.Then sometime in March, I met a girl. I'll write more on that tomorrow...
Monday, January 7, 2008
The Wake Up Call
Alright, so maybe I didn't follow through on my plan to post more frequently. Today I'll try to recap what has been going on in the past month.
I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely cool and fun to hang out with. It was like having a girlfriend without the commitment part. I thought to myself, what an ideal situation. Over time, I noticed that I began to have feelings for her as possibly something more than friends. I had an idea that she felt this way also, but neither one of us said anything. Around sometime in October, I had a crazy idea of wanting a threesome with Gwen and another girl. I brought this up to her and she was down with it. I told her that this was what I wanted for my birthday, so she went looking for a girl for us.
A few weeks later I met and briefly dated a woman named "Jan". I knew from the get go that things wouldn't be long term with Jan. She was 39 years old for starters(no offense to those pushing 40) so I figured it would just be something to do to pass the time. Jan fell for me hard and fast. I knew I could ask her to do just about anything and she would say yes. One night, I went to a friends housewarming party and after way too many drinks, I made a call to Jan and asked her if she wanted to have a threesome. She said yes, so I called up Gwen and we set it up for that night.
We all got together, did what we did and then that was it...so I thought. This event would later turn into one of the biggest mistakes ever. As I mentioned earlier, I had a feeling that Gwen was interested in me as more than a friend and it turns out I was right. Seeing me with Jan really pissed her off inside, but she made it seem like no big deal, so I thought everything was cool. Of course I eventually got bored with Jan and broke it off shortly after.
As I mentioned earlier, Gwen had been looking for a girl for us and she had found one. She gave me her myspace to check out and the girl and I exchanged messages for awhile. One thing led to another and the next thing I know, this girl was taking me out on a date. She was a young, gorgeous,successful and smart girl in the military. If you read my last post, this girl may sound familiar. After a few dates, we decided that Gwen should know about us. As usual, Gwen played it off cool. Gwen is alot like me. I'm not sure if she is borderline or anything, but she does have really good manipulation skills and after a few weeks she began to slowly put ideas in my head. Ideas that the military girl was going to be moving away, so the odds of things working out would be slim. Of course I already knew this in my head, but she just reinforced it.
I don't remember who brought it up first but basically Gwen and I admitted to each other that we had feelings and wanted to be together as more than friends. I ended things with the military girl and in mid December, Gwen and I officially became an item.
Fast forward to December 15th. This is a day that I will never forget as long as I live. Gwen and I had been a couple for 2 days. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied. I'm guessing the kid realized the crazy look in my eye because he yelled "I'm so sorry sir". It was kind of funny actually. Even though I am anonymous on my blog, I'm going to leave out what happened immediately after this as I really don't feel like getting arrested.
I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I titled this post "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.
More than anything, I wanted to know why she did this to me. Just a few days earlier she had admitted how she wanted to be with me for months but didn't tell me. Then 2 days into the relationship she does this. She told me that she hadn't planned on it, but after 6 shots of tequila, she began to replay the night with Jan in her head and she got really pissed and wanted to get back at me. Is that just an excuse? Only she knows, but I guess you could say she did get her revenge. I mean she knew I was coming over and the door was unlocked so if she was trying to be sneaky then she was going about it all wrong. I don't know what to think, but I really believe she is remorseful and wouldn't do it again. So yes, I am still talking to her...should I? I have no idea. I'm sure people get second chances all the time when this happens, I guess it just normally doesnt happen after a few days together. I've talked to a few friends about it. Some have said, leave her, you can do alot better. I even talked to Sybil about it and she reminded me of the second chances she gave me. I really want to believe her and have things work, but I'm afraid of what I will do to her if she ever does that again.
Any input would be appreciated, but for now I'm just taking one day at a time.
I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely cool and fun to hang out with. It was like having a girlfriend without the commitment part. I thought to myself, what an ideal situation. Over time, I noticed that I began to have feelings for her as possibly something more than friends. I had an idea that she felt this way also, but neither one of us said anything. Around sometime in October, I had a crazy idea of wanting a threesome with Gwen and another girl. I brought this up to her and she was down with it. I told her that this was what I wanted for my birthday, so she went looking for a girl for us.
A few weeks later I met and briefly dated a woman named "Jan". I knew from the get go that things wouldn't be long term with Jan. She was 39 years old for starters(no offense to those pushing 40) so I figured it would just be something to do to pass the time. Jan fell for me hard and fast. I knew I could ask her to do just about anything and she would say yes. One night, I went to a friends housewarming party and after way too many drinks, I made a call to Jan and asked her if she wanted to have a threesome. She said yes, so I called up Gwen and we set it up for that night.
We all got together, did what we did and then that was it...so I thought. This event would later turn into one of the biggest mistakes ever. As I mentioned earlier, I had a feeling that Gwen was interested in me as more than a friend and it turns out I was right. Seeing me with Jan really pissed her off inside, but she made it seem like no big deal, so I thought everything was cool. Of course I eventually got bored with Jan and broke it off shortly after.
As I mentioned earlier, Gwen had been looking for a girl for us and she had found one. She gave me her myspace to check out and the girl and I exchanged messages for awhile. One thing led to another and the next thing I know, this girl was taking me out on a date. She was a young, gorgeous,successful and smart girl in the military. If you read my last post, this girl may sound familiar. After a few dates, we decided that Gwen should know about us. As usual, Gwen played it off cool. Gwen is alot like me. I'm not sure if she is borderline or anything, but she does have really good manipulation skills and after a few weeks she began to slowly put ideas in my head. Ideas that the military girl was going to be moving away, so the odds of things working out would be slim. Of course I already knew this in my head, but she just reinforced it.
I don't remember who brought it up first but basically Gwen and I admitted to each other that we had feelings and wanted to be together as more than friends. I ended things with the military girl and in mid December, Gwen and I officially became an item.
Fast forward to December 15th. This is a day that I will never forget as long as I live. Gwen and I had been a couple for 2 days. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied. I'm guessing the kid realized the crazy look in my eye because he yelled "I'm so sorry sir". It was kind of funny actually. Even though I am anonymous on my blog, I'm going to leave out what happened immediately after this as I really don't feel like getting arrested.
I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I titled this post "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.
More than anything, I wanted to know why she did this to me. Just a few days earlier she had admitted how she wanted to be with me for months but didn't tell me. Then 2 days into the relationship she does this. She told me that she hadn't planned on it, but after 6 shots of tequila, she began to replay the night with Jan in her head and she got really pissed and wanted to get back at me. Is that just an excuse? Only she knows, but I guess you could say she did get her revenge. I mean she knew I was coming over and the door was unlocked so if she was trying to be sneaky then she was going about it all wrong. I don't know what to think, but I really believe she is remorseful and wouldn't do it again. So yes, I am still talking to her...should I? I have no idea. I'm sure people get second chances all the time when this happens, I guess it just normally doesnt happen after a few days together. I've talked to a few friends about it. Some have said, leave her, you can do alot better. I even talked to Sybil about it and she reminded me of the second chances she gave me. I really want to believe her and have things work, but I'm afraid of what I will do to her if she ever does that again.
Any input would be appreciated, but for now I'm just taking one day at a time.
Friday, December 7, 2007
I'm back
wow, I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I'm not really sure why I've been reluctant to do so. Wait, I remember, I was dating a girl in October who found my blog. Obviously I'm not going to post whats really going on just to have her read it. Anyhow, that ended a few weeks back, so here I am again. Work has been keeping me very occupied, which is a good thing for me. I find that I get into more trouble the more free time I have. I've pretty much been working till 6, then working out until after 7 on a nightly basis. Ok back to the girl i dated a while back. She met quite a few of my "qualifications" of what I look for in someone. She was educated, successful, attractive and had large breasts lol. On the flip side, she had a child and one of the strongest personalities I've ever dealt with. Lets break this down a bit.
As far as her having a child, I almost feel bad for saying this, but I want a woman without kids, even though i have 2 of my own. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm afraid I won't get enough attention, but instead, its more because I usually disagree with how they are raising them. This is how it was with sybil and this is how it was with the new girl, whom I'll call blondie. Of course I can see it from her daughters point of view...she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from mommy, so she tended to misbehave. Also, I hated the way blondie spoke to her daughter. Her kid was 5 or 6 but she talked to her as if she was a 20 year old..using "big" words, etc. When she would do this, I would literally feel a physical change in myself. My pulse would slow and I would tingle from head to toe. Like rage was building up in me, but i was fighting to keep it inside.
Now as far as her personality...wow..I don't even know where to begin. She was a very intelligent woman..not just book smart, but people smart. This posed a huge challenge for me. I'm used to dating women who are "weaker" for lack of a better term. I tried and tried to break her down, but she wouldn't budge. After awhile, I guess I began to get frustrated,lost interest and ended it.
Anyhow, enough about her. A few weeks ago I met a new girl. She is young, gorgeous,successful and smart. Of course with me there always seems to be a catch. In her case, she is in the military and is on assignment several hours away. I'm still able to see her, but in a few months, she will be moving to Arizona. I laughed to myself when I found this out. It's always something. I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the whole idealization however. I'm not trying to fast forward into thoughts of marriage or anything, but still, i'm unsure of what will happen when she moves.
A friend of mine gave me a 90 day supply of Depakote which I'm going to start taking tonight. I haven't read the side effects because everytime i do, they always occur and i'm not sure how much is in my head or not. Since you are supposed to take them at bedtime, i'm sure they will make me sleepy, thats why i'm waiting until friday night to take them to make sure i won't be a zombie at work.
Speaking of work, its going very well. I found out some good news this week. Instead of them hiring another trainer, they are going to use me instead, which means more working with clients one on one and not just assisting. I'm looking forward to it. I am going to try and keep posts about work fairly vague as my field is a very small one and I don't want my identity revealed to them.
Well I'll try my best to get this updated on a more regular basis from now on.
I feel like its really helpful for me to clear my mind and to hopefully help others in the process.
As far as her having a child, I almost feel bad for saying this, but I want a woman without kids, even though i have 2 of my own. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm afraid I won't get enough attention, but instead, its more because I usually disagree with how they are raising them. This is how it was with sybil and this is how it was with the new girl, whom I'll call blondie. Of course I can see it from her daughters point of view...she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from mommy, so she tended to misbehave. Also, I hated the way blondie spoke to her daughter. Her kid was 5 or 6 but she talked to her as if she was a 20 year old..using "big" words, etc. When she would do this, I would literally feel a physical change in myself. My pulse would slow and I would tingle from head to toe. Like rage was building up in me, but i was fighting to keep it inside.
Now as far as her personality...wow..I don't even know where to begin. She was a very intelligent woman..not just book smart, but people smart. This posed a huge challenge for me. I'm used to dating women who are "weaker" for lack of a better term. I tried and tried to break her down, but she wouldn't budge. After awhile, I guess I began to get frustrated,lost interest and ended it.
Anyhow, enough about her. A few weeks ago I met a new girl. She is young, gorgeous,successful and smart. Of course with me there always seems to be a catch. In her case, she is in the military and is on assignment several hours away. I'm still able to see her, but in a few months, she will be moving to Arizona. I laughed to myself when I found this out. It's always something. I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the whole idealization however. I'm not trying to fast forward into thoughts of marriage or anything, but still, i'm unsure of what will happen when she moves.
A friend of mine gave me a 90 day supply of Depakote which I'm going to start taking tonight. I haven't read the side effects because everytime i do, they always occur and i'm not sure how much is in my head or not. Since you are supposed to take them at bedtime, i'm sure they will make me sleepy, thats why i'm waiting until friday night to take them to make sure i won't be a zombie at work.
Speaking of work, its going very well. I found out some good news this week. Instead of them hiring another trainer, they are going to use me instead, which means more working with clients one on one and not just assisting. I'm looking forward to it. I am going to try and keep posts about work fairly vague as my field is a very small one and I don't want my identity revealed to them.
Well I'll try my best to get this updated on a more regular basis from now on.
I feel like its really helpful for me to clear my mind and to hopefully help others in the process.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The excuse
Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just here with my thoughts. Tonight I started wondering if I sometimes use BPD as an excuse of sorts to justify my behavior. I noticed things turning downhill quickly after I was diagnosed. I somehow wonder how things would be if I never knew. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that at times, I do indeed use it as an excuse, but there are plenty of moments when I feel like I don't have any control over it. When I don't have control, I can feel a physical change in my body. My pulse slows down and I feel woozy, like I just got punched in the face.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The updates
I didn't realize how long its been since my last post. Pretty crazy the last few weeks, no pun intended. Quick recap, started the new job on October 1st and so far so good. With my I.T. background, I've been having to spend the last few days doing computer stuff though. I designed our website and helped them select and install equipment. I'm hoping that they will take all this into consideration when they decide my pay rate as I have no clue what I'm making. They gave me a range when they hired me, but I'm not sure specifically. We get paid on Monday so I guess I'll find out then. The people I work with seem pretty cool. Although they have degrees and tons of hands on experience in the field, I don't feel left out or looked down upon, which is a great thing. The closest borderline moment I've had their so far was yesterday. I made a joke and the manager laughed and said how do you come up with that, you're so quiet. I HATE being called quiet. I could feel my lip start to twitch after she said this, which is usually an indicator of an episode, but I played it off. It did stick in my head though most of the day and even this morning. If they asked anybody who knew me well, they would know I am far from quiet. Since I am brand new to this field, I am trying to soak in and learn as much info as possible, so that doesn't leave time for running my mouth all the time. Anyhow, I'm sure they will realize that in time. It did take a bit to get used to working a monday through friday schedule again though, but I'm good now. I was in bed by 10pm last night for the first time in forever. The job is really physical, so by the time I'm done, I'm drained. I can see it being very rewarding though and that is what I am most looking forward to.
In other news, my grandfather went to the doctor a few weeks back and it was determined he needed a heart valve replacement. He wrestled with the decision for a few days, but decided to go through with it. A few days before the surgery an angiogram was done and it was determined he also needed a bypass. He had the surgery last Saturday and has been in the hospital since. Doing alot better each day and I hope and pray for the best. My grandmother has not left his side since Saturday. Thats the kind of love I hope to find someday.
In other news, my grandfather went to the doctor a few weeks back and it was determined he needed a heart valve replacement. He wrestled with the decision for a few days, but decided to go through with it. A few days before the surgery an angiogram was done and it was determined he also needed a bypass. He had the surgery last Saturday and has been in the hospital since. Doing alot better each day and I hope and pray for the best. My grandmother has not left his side since Saturday. Thats the kind of love I hope to find someday.
Friday, September 21, 2007
The reminiscing
I was going over some of my old posts and reminiscing, if you will. I realized that it's been about four months now since I last spoke to my father. In this time I have heard not a word from him. No attempt to contact me, nothing. I didn't expect him too try and honestly even if he did I know I would ignore it, but still. It really shows what kind of a person he is. I'm just glad that he didn't answer the door when I came over that drunk night. Who knows what would have happened.
I read through posts about "her" and I realized how much I miss her. The past is the past, I know I need to move on, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Her parents live a few blocks away from me and occasionally I have to drive past their house on the way home. I drove by recently and saw her husbands truck there and I felt like throwing up. I don't really see her car there anymore, so I can only assume she moved back in with him. Oh well, I kind of knew deep down that it would end up that way. I have dated 3 women that were married when I met them and all 3 ended up going back home. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson the first time. I guess that should be my new rule..no more married women or women in relationships.
I read through posts about "her" and I realized how much I miss her. The past is the past, I know I need to move on, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Her parents live a few blocks away from me and occasionally I have to drive past their house on the way home. I drove by recently and saw her husbands truck there and I felt like throwing up. I don't really see her car there anymore, so I can only assume she moved back in with him. Oh well, I kind of knew deep down that it would end up that way. I have dated 3 women that were married when I met them and all 3 ended up going back home. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson the first time. I guess that should be my new rule..no more married women or women in relationships.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
The sex
I realized something today that I guess I never really thought of before. I realized that when it comes to sex, I'm much more interested in convincing the girl to sleep with me, then I am in the act itself. It's like I seduce a woman and it's great. Then say we start dating and it's a month down the road, I start to lose interest. Not in the girl necessarily, but in having sex with her. Is this normal? This is how it has always been with me, so it makes me wonder. I think it has to do with the whole idealization and devaluation concept that is so common in borderlines. The woman is way up there because she is not giving in to going to bed with me. Once that happens, down she goes..she is trash in my eyes. Nothing to be proud of, just reality.
Monday, September 17, 2007
The sleep
I slept a full 7.5 hours last night. Unless I was passed out drunk, I haven't slept this long in months. As obvious as it may sound, I think the key to this was keeping myself busy throughout the day so I wouldn't take naps out of boredom. Also, instead of being up on the computer right up to bedtime, I shut it off earlier and read for a good 20 minutes. Hopefully it will repeat itself tonight. I had to go into work after I dropped the kids off this morning, got out around noon, worked out and went by our other clinic to help move some things. By the time I was done, it was time to get the kids and go to my uncles for our Monday night get together. I'm rambling, but basically it comes down to keeping myself busy, having some sort of structure and not just laying in bed bored with my thoughts. That is a bad combination.
Relationship wise, I'm talking to a few girls, but so far none of them really grab my attention. They are all sweet,nice, girls in their own way, but I just don't feel the spark I guess. Maybe it's too soon anyhow. Of course, the hardest part is telling them that.I hate confrontation, thats why I usually just blow them off until they get the hint.Then again, I'm probably giving myself too much credit and maybe they are thinking of ways to tell me that they are not interested.
Speaking of confrontation, Sybil and I have been split for a month or so now I guess, but at work, they all think the wedding is still on and everything is great. I'm sure if I wasn't quitting in a few weeks, I would eventually tell them, but since I am, I just don't want to deal with all that.
Just another lie I live.
Relationship wise, I'm talking to a few girls, but so far none of them really grab my attention. They are all sweet,nice, girls in their own way, but I just don't feel the spark I guess. Maybe it's too soon anyhow. Of course, the hardest part is telling them that.I hate confrontation, thats why I usually just blow them off until they get the hint.Then again, I'm probably giving myself too much credit and maybe they are thinking of ways to tell me that they are not interested.
Speaking of confrontation, Sybil and I have been split for a month or so now I guess, but at work, they all think the wedding is still on and everything is great. I'm sure if I wasn't quitting in a few weeks, I would eventually tell them, but since I am, I just don't want to deal with all that.
Just another lie I live.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
The Goodfella
It's been a pretty rough week, for no real reason. I have been feeling down, I am always tired and I spend a good amount of my free time lying in bed looking up at the ceiling in a daze. If I can get 6 hours of sleep a night, its a great thing. Since I'm always tired, I end up taking naps throughout the day. I think alot of it has to do with boredom. I think back to maybe 2 years ago. I felt so alive and full of life. Now I am just an empty shell of my former self. I mentioned boredom and I think this is a big part of it. A few years back, hell even last year, I was working full time so I always had something to do. Since I have been working only part time since January, I have way too much time on my hands. The good news is that all this will change shortly. The spinal cord facility is opening up on October 1st. I'm hoping that it all works out well as I feel its a great opportunity. Hopefully I will be able to get out on my own soon. That is another cause of my sadness I believe. As much as I appreciate my grandparents letting me stay with them for free, its really really starting to get to me. I've come home late or been out all night even. It's as if I'm daring them to say something to me so I have an excuse to leave. Not that I have anywhere to go of course.
I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, the gangster classic "Goodfellas". In the final scene, Henry says some words that really stuck with me.
And now it's all over.
That's the hardest part.
Today everything is different.
There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else.
Can't even get decent food.
After I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce...
...and I got egg noodles with ketchup.
I'm an average nobody.
I get to live the rest of
my life like a schnook."
I realized that this summed up my life.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying a nobody.
I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, the gangster classic "Goodfellas". In the final scene, Henry says some words that really stuck with me.
And now it's all over.
That's the hardest part.
Today everything is different.
There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else.
Can't even get decent food.
After I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce...
...and I got egg noodles with ketchup.
I'm an average nobody.
I get to live the rest of
my life like a schnook."
I realized that this summed up my life.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying a nobody.
Friday, September 7, 2007
The reflection
"There is no such thing as the perfect person." This simple piece of advice was given to me by my therapist last year and has stuck with me. The problem is, the disconnect between understanding this and actually applying it. You know what I want in a woman? The biggest thing I want is attractiveness. I could really care less what she does for a living, if she's smart, etc, I just want her to be smoking hot. I try to tell myself that other qualities are important, that nobody is perfect,etc, but I still catch myself falling into the physical beauty trap. Aside from my marriage, the longest relationship I was ever in was a little over two years. Looking back, I think that the number one reason it lasted so long was because she was gorgeous. Even after a few years together , I was still just as attracted to her as I was when I first saw her. I would look at her and think, what the hell is she she doing with me? I remember going to a bar or even the store and see guys checking her out and I liked it. It was the ultimate ego trip. I think alot of this stemmed from the fact that I was a late bloomer. I didn't even have my first date until the end of my senior year in high school. n my late teens, I started noticing that women were frequently looking at me/hitting on me. This is where things started going wrong. My ego and self confidence began to grow after each girl I slept with and or dated. Over time, if a not so attractive girl would hit on me, I would think to myself, "is she serious? Does she really think she has a chance with me?" Gone was the shy, innocent boy and in its place was a monster. It was as if I had something to prove as if I was trying to make up for lost time. I was and still am out of control. I don't see people as having feelings of their own. Its as if there are disposable. Nameless,faceless objects, here for my amusement.
Of course, I realize that this is wrong. I wish I could wear a sign or something, saying "danger! stay away!" But then I catch myself falling into the same trap and the cycle repeats itself.
I'm not sure if this post really has a point, other to give you insight into my world.
Of course, I realize that this is wrong. I wish I could wear a sign or something, saying "danger! stay away!" But then I catch myself falling into the same trap and the cycle repeats itself.
I'm not sure if this post really has a point, other to give you insight into my world.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
The journey
I found two things out last night. I found out that it was too soon for me to be dating anyone and I found out that I still have a long road to recovery. It all started awhile back when a girl i used to date got in touch with me again. We talked on the phone awhile and caught up on each others life. We agreed to get together Friday night. The plan was to get a few drinks and then go bowling. I went by her house to pick her up and as she was getting ready I reminded her to bring socks for bowling. I don't recall what she said exactly but basically she wanted to do something else instead. Just like that, I could feel borderline kicking in. I tried my best to control it. I went in the other room and sat down quietly. I tried telling myself that it was no big deal and to let it go, but I just couldn't do it. She asked if I had thought of anything to do and I abruptly said "no". She then said something along the lines of "are you just gonna sit their and pout?" Borderline kicked into high gear and I got up, said nevermind,walked out the door and went home. I knew I was wrong, I tried telling myself to go back and apologize but it's like my brain just wouldn't let me. That has to be one of the most frustrating parts about all this.
Anyhow, I picked my kids up this morning and had a good day with them. The one down part was when my grandmother randomly asked me "what ever happened to that pretty girl who you took to church that time?" She was referring to Her. I told her that she was back with her husband and left it at that. One thing I hate is being reminded of things from my past. Speaking of Her, I came across this poem she wrote and I can only assume it was written about me. Very well written but cut like a knife through the heart.
"Keep your hands to yourself, your senseless
I dreamt of you, disgusted, relentless
Sick almost as if I couldn't breath
I'm done with you, you make me heave
I'm not riddled with guilt
You are riddled in filth
You a dirty excuse for something
Too bad, to me you now mean nothing
I laugh, you said your done with me
No longer blinded I can see
Keep your words and I'll eat mine
Not worth it at all, not worth another line."
Anyhow, I picked my kids up this morning and had a good day with them. The one down part was when my grandmother randomly asked me "what ever happened to that pretty girl who you took to church that time?" She was referring to Her. I told her that she was back with her husband and left it at that. One thing I hate is being reminded of things from my past. Speaking of Her, I came across this poem she wrote and I can only assume it was written about me. Very well written but cut like a knife through the heart.
"Keep your hands to yourself, your senseless
I dreamt of you, disgusted, relentless
Sick almost as if I couldn't breath
I'm done with you, you make me heave
I'm not riddled with guilt
You are riddled in filth
You a dirty excuse for something
Too bad, to me you now mean nothing
I laugh, you said your done with me
No longer blinded I can see
Keep your words and I'll eat mine
Not worth it at all, not worth another line."
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The gift
Its kind of funny how things have a way of working out. I had a few jobs yesterday and as I was driving back from one of them, I had to drive past my school. I saw students walking to and from class and it really got me down that I was not one of them. I tried to shake it off the rest of the day, but it seemed to be in the back of my mind throughout the rest of the day. I even had thoughts of pulling out my emergency bag of pills and ending it later that night. Anyhow, I was in my room that evening when my grandmother came and told me that my uncles was here. This wasn't the uncle that used to live with us, but the uncle who owns the house we live at. I thought it was kind of strange for her to tell me this, but I went out to say hello. He said he had heard about my $1 financial aid and asked if I was able to register. I told him no, and that I would have to wait until the Fall II semester to go. Both him and my aunt both have Master's degrees and their 2 kids as well, so education is obviously very important to them. He then proceeds to tell me how he and my aunt wanted to help me out and he pulled out a check for $420. My initial reaction was to say that I couldn't it. I wanted to, but pride set in and I was also ashamed at the fact that I basically blew the money I had saved up for tuition. He insisted and I reluctantly accepted it. I am just not used to people doing nice things for me. I thanked him repeatedly as I fought to hold back tears. I'm even starting to tear up just writing this. It was a very humbling experience and one that I will never forget.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The delete
It has been suggested that I have an addiction to women. What does an addict do when they try to get better? They cut off access to whatever it is they are addicted to. This is what I did today. I started by changing my phone number. Then I gave my number out only to "safe" people. This would be family, friends and girls I didn't have or won't have any history with. Finally I deleted all the number of girls that I had history with. Hopefully this will prevent ill advised drunk booty calls and stop the pattern from repeating itself.
It was kind of like therapy in a way, going through each number. As I was deleting them, I took a minute to look back and think of them. I wondered what "she" was up to..how nursing school was going. I thought about the married girl and was wondering how things were going with her husband,etc. The more time passes, the more I look back on my past relationship in a positive way. I remember the good times more than the bad. I can only hope that over time they will do the same.
It was kind of like therapy in a way, going through each number. As I was deleting them, I took a minute to look back and think of them. I wondered what "she" was up to..how nursing school was going. I thought about the married girl and was wondering how things were going with her husband,etc. The more time passes, the more I look back on my past relationship in a positive way. I remember the good times more than the bad. I can only hope that over time they will do the same.
Monday, August 27, 2007
The drunk
Today was what should have been my first day back to school. Since I can't go until the Fall II semester, I spent most of the day in bed, depressed. I felt like I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. I guess I was mad at myself more than anything...mad for blowing money when i should have used it for school. oh well, whats done is done and I cant do anything about it. Anyhow, I lost track of the days of being sober, but that ended this past weekend. My ex wife took the kids down to the beach for the weekend and she let me stay at her house, which was nice. On Friday night, I went to a party and ran into a girl that Sybil knew. I was chatting with her and then she started telling me how Sybil "got around" when they used to hang out. Being borderline and hearing this is bad enough but throw alcohol in the mix and its not a pretty site. I remained calm at the party but my mood immediately changed. I lef and went home after only being there an hour or so. It ruined the night. Of course once I got home I called Sybil and gave her a piece of my mind. I don't really remember much of the conversation except for calling her a whore,slut,etc. We had a long chat last night and basically I told her to pretend that I didn't exist anymore. I can't be friends with her. Even if I met another girl down the road and I found out she was dating someone, I would get pissed and try to get back with her...at least thats what has always happened in the past.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
The broke
So I stopped by my kids house Saturday morning to pick them up for the weekend. Their mom opens the door and starts bawling. Saying how she can't afford daycare and how its so hard doing it alone. I immediately felt guilty. I told her that I would be right back, went to the nearest ATM, withdrew most of the money I had saved up for school and gave it to her. During this whole time, it was as if I was in a trance..kinda hard to explain, but I had a strange feeling, almost like I was floating. Anyhow I reminded her that I quit my career not because I was lazy but because I felt if I didn't, I would end up dead. She said thanks and then I left with the kids. At this point I have no idea what I'm going to do for school, but I did what I felt I had to do. She has been there for me and helped me out countless times.
The kids and I pretty much chilled out most of the day, went to the park for a bit. I noticed myself being really on edge with them early on in the day. Getting after them for small things. I told them I need to take a break for a little while. I went in my room and relaxed for a while trying to calm myself down. It worked because the rest of the day went fine. We spend a good part of today hanging out at my friends pool, which was nice. I didn't really have anything planned for today, so it worked out well.
Oh and I'm still sober..lost track of the days but I think its around 5.
The kids and I pretty much chilled out most of the day, went to the park for a bit. I noticed myself being really on edge with them early on in the day. Getting after them for small things. I told them I need to take a break for a little while. I went in my room and relaxed for a while trying to calm myself down. It worked because the rest of the day went fine. We spend a good part of today hanging out at my friends pool, which was nice. I didn't really have anything planned for today, so it worked out well.
Oh and I'm still sober..lost track of the days but I think its around 5.
Monday, August 13, 2007
The sobriety
Good news. Today is the first time i haven't had a drink in about a week. I drank for a good 4 hours yesterday and spent most of today feeling like crap. I look back at the money I spent on alcohol the last month and I could have easily paid my tuition with it. Lets see what else is going on...I talked to Sybil a few times yesterday. I don't really remember much of what was said. Chatted with her online for a few minutes this morning and that was it. I gave the ring to my daughter, so that pretty much ended things for good. Just another day in my crazy life.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
The break up
Don't know how else to but it, but the wedding is off. I guess it was bound to happen. What really started things off was when her ex husband came into town this past Thursday. I called her just to see how she was doing and I got her voicemail. No big deal, left her a message. An hour had gone by and I hadn't heard from her, so I called again and got the voicemail. Sent a text..no response. More time passed and I called one last time...voicemail. I was pretty pissed off at this point since I now had trust issues because of the whole "my friend" incident. I finally got a text from her saying how her and her ex were talking about their son and that she would call me in a bit. This really set me off. I didn't think I was asking for much, I would have been happy if she just would have answered and said, hey we are talking about the baby, so I'll call you later. There is nothing I hate more than being purposely ignored. Later that night she called and I was obviously upset and let her know it. She tried to turn it around on me and said how she didn't trust me because of stuff I did in the past. Then it hit me...she doesn't trust me, I didn't trust her...thats kind of important if not everything in a marriage. I told her that I would be by tomorrow to pick up the ring and she said that she would meet me that night to give it to me. We met at a gas station a few minutes later, no words were spoken and we left just as fast as we arrived.
I spent just about all of Friday in bed. I wasn't sleepy, I was just worn out,depressed and bored. I felt totally alone and it was driving me crazy, so I went by my kids house that night and hung out for a few hours watching dvd's. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until around 11. I killed some time on the computer for awhile and then spent the rest of the day at a friends bbq. There was plenty of alcohol so by the time I left I was pretty trashed and I made the drunk dial to her. She didn't answer after a few calls and when she finally did, she said her ex and her were watching a movie. I went off on her, calling her whore,slut,bad mom...everything I could think of. Of course I didn't really mean it but it felt good to get it out of my system. She called me and alcoholic and that actually made me think. I have drank every day for the last week. Not until I'm passed out or anything, but just a 6 pack, mostly out of boredom I guess.
I feel like I'm in out of control mode,especially when it comes to driving. There are some curvy roads near my house and I love to just floor it and see how far I can push it. When I do this, a weird feeling comes over me. My heart rate slows,I feel numb and almost like I'm in a trance. Its like I'm daring God in a way. When I let off the gas I return to normal and its as if I blacked out for a few seconds.
I met with the spinal cord clinic people last week. It went well and basically the job is mine as long as I pass the background/drug test, which I will. They are trying to get it open in mid September. I got denied financial aid and I screwed off all the money I had set aside for tuition, so I got dropped from the classes I was registered for. I try not to think about all that but I know I need to. I kinda feel like I'm just here taking up space and I have no sense of direction.
I feel alone.
I spent just about all of Friday in bed. I wasn't sleepy, I was just worn out,depressed and bored. I felt totally alone and it was driving me crazy, so I went by my kids house that night and hung out for a few hours watching dvd's. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until around 11. I killed some time on the computer for awhile and then spent the rest of the day at a friends bbq. There was plenty of alcohol so by the time I left I was pretty trashed and I made the drunk dial to her. She didn't answer after a few calls and when she finally did, she said her ex and her were watching a movie. I went off on her, calling her whore,slut,bad mom...everything I could think of. Of course I didn't really mean it but it felt good to get it out of my system. She called me and alcoholic and that actually made me think. I have drank every day for the last week. Not until I'm passed out or anything, but just a 6 pack, mostly out of boredom I guess.
I feel like I'm in out of control mode,especially when it comes to driving. There are some curvy roads near my house and I love to just floor it and see how far I can push it. When I do this, a weird feeling comes over me. My heart rate slows,I feel numb and almost like I'm in a trance. Its like I'm daring God in a way. When I let off the gas I return to normal and its as if I blacked out for a few seconds.
I met with the spinal cord clinic people last week. It went well and basically the job is mine as long as I pass the background/drug test, which I will. They are trying to get it open in mid September. I got denied financial aid and I screwed off all the money I had set aside for tuition, so I got dropped from the classes I was registered for. I try not to think about all that but I know I need to. I kinda feel like I'm just here taking up space and I have no sense of direction.
I feel alone.
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