Sunday, July 1, 2012

Random thoughts of nothingness

When my mother passed away, I inherited her pistol. I refuse to buy bullets for it. I know I could snap at any moment and aim it towards myself. I also know that I could not pull the trigger because I have my children to live for. Quite the predicament. I want to make an impact on the world, but haven't...yet. Today isn't necessarily a terrible day, but its just a day filled with nothingness. I am not content with being a faceless person in the crowd. I want to be the one that the faceless people are looking towards. Gwen seems content with nothingness. I don't think she realizes how quickly life passes by. She knows that I won't go anywhere/leave because I will be away from my son and she relishes in the fact. She knows she has the upper hand and as a borderline, that is not a good thing. I am so sick and tired of the constant complaining...such as, i'm so exhausted, i can't take care of the kids on my own,etc. I feel like an invisible hand is gripped around my neck and slowly squeezing.


Chantal said...

I feel you. I know the "nothingness" and the exhaustion.
I just started my blog a few days ago and have been searching to connect with Bloggers who have BPD. Yours is the first that has caught my attention. Thank you for sharing your life with others.
I think you are making an are connecting with others who "get" your pain...that's a good thing, because it can help others too.
I have teenagers. They keep me going. When I am living in my despair, in my own world of pain, thoughts and emotions that no one can understand but me...I think of them. I have to. It still does not take the symptoms away...they always resurface lurking around a corner.You can check out my blog...I am looking for feedback. There is a poem I wrote "Nothing is Something". The grip around your neck will loosen...just ride it out...I know it hurts like hell.
You are not invisible. None of us are. I can see you...cause I know exactly your pain. Hope this helps, it has helped me. I know that some comments and contents can be triggering. Know that this is not my intention. Thanks for sharing your post.

Anonymous said...

Hello me,

I just found your blog. Read the whole thing. Funny how reading your posts is helping me out. For example, your blog is getting me to warm up to the idea of therapy (although my husband has begged for years). There's something about the way you share the truth that makes it seem like there's hope for someone like me cause you understand how it feels. I hope you keep posting. I appreciate the way you put things into words. Thanks for writing.