So let's see where I last left off...I didn't mention it in my last post, but my mother passed away this past December. It was extremely sudden and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. It still doesn't seem real. It's been over 6 months now and I haven't had the big cry/breakdown that I expect one to have after the loss of a close family member. I have asked several people who have gone through this and am somewhat relieved that I'm not the only one. I have heard that for some, it might happen a few months or even years later. I am not in denial about it and I actually want it to happen, I guess it's just a matter of time though.
Borderline wise, I had been self prescribing myself with 100mg of Lamictal for a while, but my samples had run out. I saw a psychiatrist several months back to get an actual prescription and see if he had any other recommendations. The visit went well, as we spoke for a good hour. I told him that the Lamictal seemed to be helping me, so he wrote out a script for 100mg daily. He also prescribed .5mg of Klonapin twice a day and 2mg of Risperdal before bed. He said the Klonapin would help with anxiety and the Risperdal would help with my aggressiveness. The first night of taking the Risperdal completely wiped me out. I took it around 8pm and by 9, I was basically stumbling up stairs to get to bed. I felt drained most of the next day. I took it the next day and had the same results, so on the third day, I stopped taking it. I still noticed I was feeling somewhat lethargic during the day and attributed it to the morning Klonapin. I've since switched to taking both doses (1mg) at night and it's been good. As far as the Risperdal, I take it sporadically, but only take 1mg. I'm going to bring it up at my next Dr. visit and see if he has any recommendations.
While I was at the appointment, he was asking about family history and I told him that my daughter (14 next month) was diagnosed as Bipolar II. He asked if I had ever told her about my mental illness and I said no. He asked why and I said it was because I didn't want to appear weak to her. His advise was to have a talk with her and let her know. This would show her that people can be productive and "normal" members of society, even with a mental illness. The next time I saw her, we had the talk. It went okay, I suppose...I think it was harder for me to say, then it was for her to hear.
Speaking of kids...I get my kids from my first marriage every weekend. One weekend it is for one night and the next it is for two. These weekends are a huge test for me, because I feel like I am the one walking on eggshells. Gwen and I have very different views on parenting. For example, she makes her daughter go to bed early, even on the weekend. I am okay with them staying up late. Since her daughter is asleep early, my kids have to be super quiet and it's almost like they are imprisoned, for lack of a better term. She also seems to have a huge problem with my older son. It seems like the only time she says a word to him, is to scold him. All this puts me in a very awkward position. I would love to just tell Gwen to shut the hell up, but I do not want my older kids to see us arguing. Alot of this is due to the fact that I only get to see them for a relatively short time. I want to make the most of it and my biggest fear is that they won't want to come to my house because they don't like her.
I also have to be on my "best behavior" with Gwen because of financial reasons. As a business owner, there are times when I cannot afford to pay myself, so she has to cover a lot of the financial burden. This is a huge predicament for me. I have a job that is extremely unique and helps people. I cannot ever see myself going back to the corporate world and being a faceless cog in the wheel. Then again, I feel like crap and almost selfish, not being able to contribute financially like I should. I also have a huge fear of what I would do if my business failed. I really think I need a break...a good week or so away from everything. I feel like I am on a ride... spinning faster and faster and I just want it to stop. I can fake it, of course...make everything appear like things are great, but in reality they aren't and it scares the hell out of me.
Borderline wise, I had been self prescribing myself with 100mg of Lamictal for a while, but my samples had run out. I saw a psychiatrist several months back to get an actual prescription and see if he had any other recommendations. The visit went well, as we spoke for a good hour. I told him that the Lamictal seemed to be helping me, so he wrote out a script for 100mg daily. He also prescribed .5mg of Klonapin twice a day and 2mg of Risperdal before bed. He said the Klonapin would help with anxiety and the Risperdal would help with my aggressiveness. The first night of taking the Risperdal completely wiped me out. I took it around 8pm and by 9, I was basically stumbling up stairs to get to bed. I felt drained most of the next day. I took it the next day and had the same results, so on the third day, I stopped taking it. I still noticed I was feeling somewhat lethargic during the day and attributed it to the morning Klonapin. I've since switched to taking both doses (1mg) at night and it's been good. As far as the Risperdal, I take it sporadically, but only take 1mg. I'm going to bring it up at my next Dr. visit and see if he has any recommendations.
While I was at the appointment, he was asking about family history and I told him that my daughter (14 next month) was diagnosed as Bipolar II. He asked if I had ever told her about my mental illness and I said no. He asked why and I said it was because I didn't want to appear weak to her. His advise was to have a talk with her and let her know. This would show her that people can be productive and "normal" members of society, even with a mental illness. The next time I saw her, we had the talk. It went okay, I suppose...I think it was harder for me to say, then it was for her to hear.
Speaking of kids...I get my kids from my first marriage every weekend. One weekend it is for one night and the next it is for two. These weekends are a huge test for me, because I feel like I am the one walking on eggshells. Gwen and I have very different views on parenting. For example, she makes her daughter go to bed early, even on the weekend. I am okay with them staying up late. Since her daughter is asleep early, my kids have to be super quiet and it's almost like they are imprisoned, for lack of a better term. She also seems to have a huge problem with my older son. It seems like the only time she says a word to him, is to scold him. All this puts me in a very awkward position. I would love to just tell Gwen to shut the hell up, but I do not want my older kids to see us arguing. Alot of this is due to the fact that I only get to see them for a relatively short time. I want to make the most of it and my biggest fear is that they won't want to come to my house because they don't like her.
I also have to be on my "best behavior" with Gwen because of financial reasons. As a business owner, there are times when I cannot afford to pay myself, so she has to cover a lot of the financial burden. This is a huge predicament for me. I have a job that is extremely unique and helps people. I cannot ever see myself going back to the corporate world and being a faceless cog in the wheel. Then again, I feel like crap and almost selfish, not being able to contribute financially like I should. I also have a huge fear of what I would do if my business failed. I really think I need a break...a good week or so away from everything. I feel like I am on a ride... spinning faster and faster and I just want it to stop. I can fake it, of course...make everything appear like things are great, but in reality they aren't and it scares the hell out of me.
2 comments:
Thank you for your blog. I too suffer from BPD. I can relate to how you are feeling. I have a friend who lost a parent over 3 years ago and is still grieving a little excessive I feel. I have told this to some other people and they just think I am heartless. I'm not heartless I just feel it's time to move on. Do you ever feel this way about things that no-bdp feel really sad about you just feel a little bad or jsut neutral or even really no feelings at all? I do.
You should keep writing!! Mostly for my own comfort, it makes me feel like I'm hearing the truth which is rare. I also think it may help you. Writing about what you think about helps you to see things from an external, not so personal way. That's what I hear anyway.
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