The Funk

I've been in a fun for the last month or so..haven't felt like working out at the gym, been drinking heavily, eating poorly..not motivated to do much of anything. I think that trying to cope with  my mom's death and the fact that my business is failing, overwhelms me. When my mom passed away, I inherited her 9mm pistol. I put it to my head yesterday,but the thoughts of my children growing up without me allowed me to put it down. I need to realize that stress/pain is temporary and death is permanent.

July 2012 check-in

 Things haven't been so great since my last post. Problems have more to do with the financial things involved in owning a business more than anything. That being said, I had my kids this weekend and after I dropped them off, I got a text from their mom saying how my oldest daughter came in and started crying...saying she didn't want to go to my house anymore because Gwen is always on her case. It's a difficult situation for me to be in. On one hand, my daughter is bipolar, so like me, tends to have a problem handling emotions, and on the other hand, Gwen does treat my kids like crap, for the most part. I am stuck in the middle. When issues come up, I try and avoid having my kids see me argue with Gwen, but at the same time, I don't want them to think that I don't stick up for them. The stupid part of it all is that I would go off on Gwen without hesitation, if I was able to contribute more financially.
I was prescribed Risperdal to help with my "aggressiveness". I admit that I don't take the full dosage, as it makes me really sleepy and its hard to get up in the morning. If I remember to take my meds early enough, I'll take a half dose, but its hard to say if it really helps or not. I think what keeps me in check more than anything, is that I fear the wrath of Gwen.
When my mom passed away, I inherited her pistol, which is probably not a good thing for a borderline to have. I think part of the reason that I have been reluctant to purchase bullets is because I'm afraid of what I might do to myself.

Random thoughts of nothingness

When my mother passed away, I inherited her pistol. I refuse to buy bullets for it. I know I could snap at any moment and aim it towards myself. I also know that I could not pull the trigger because I have my children to live for. Quite the predicament. I want to make an impact on the world, but haven't...yet. Today isn't necessarily a terrible day, but its just a day filled with nothingness. I am not content with being a faceless person in the crowd. I want to be the one that the faceless people are looking towards. Gwen seems content with nothingness. I don't think she realizes how quickly life passes by. She knows that I won't go anywhere/leave because I will be away from my son and she relishes in the fact. She knows she has the upper hand and as a borderline, that is not a good thing. I am so sick and tired of the constant complaining...such as, i'm so exhausted, i can't take care of the kids on my own,etc. I feel like an invisible hand is gripped around my neck and slowly squeezing.

So let's see where I last left off...I didn't mention it in my last post, but my mother passed away this past December. It was extremely sudden and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. It still doesn't seem real. It's been over 6 months now and I haven't had the big cry/breakdown that I expect one to have after the loss of a close family member. I have asked several people who have gone through this and am somewhat relieved that I'm not the only one. I have heard that for some, it might happen a few months or even years later. I am not in denial about it and I actually want it to happen, I guess it's just a matter of time though.

Borderline wise, I had been self prescribing myself with 100mg of Lamictal for a while, but my samples had run out. I saw a psychiatrist several months back to get an actual prescription and see if he had any other recommendations. The visit went well, as we spoke for a good hour. I told him that the Lamictal seemed to be helping me, so he wrote out a script for 100mg daily. He also prescribed .5mg of Klonapin twice a day and 2mg of Risperdal before bed. He said the Klonapin would help with anxiety and the Risperdal would help with my aggressiveness. The first night of taking the Risperdal completely wiped me out. I took it around 8pm and by 9, I was basically stumbling up stairs to get to bed. I felt drained most of the next day. I took it the next day and had the same results, so on the third day, I stopped taking it. I still noticed I was feeling somewhat lethargic during the day and attributed it to the morning Klonapin. I've since switched to taking both doses (1mg) at night and it's been good. As far as the Risperdal, I take it sporadically, but only take 1mg. I'm going to bring it up at my next Dr. visit and see if he has any recommendations.

While I was at the appointment, he was asking about family history and I told him that my daughter (14 next month) was diagnosed as Bipolar II. He asked if I had ever told her about my mental illness and I said no. He asked why and I said it was because I didn't want to appear weak to her. His advise was to have a talk with her and let her know. This would show her that people can be productive and "normal" members of society, even with a mental illness. The next time I saw her, we had the talk. It went okay, I suppose...I think it was harder for me to say, then it was for her to hear.

Speaking of kids...I get my kids from my first marriage every weekend. One weekend it is for one night and the next it is for two. These weekends are a huge test for me, because I feel like I am the one walking on eggshells. Gwen and I have very different views on parenting. For example, she makes her daughter go to bed early, even on the weekend. I am okay with them staying up late. Since her daughter is asleep early, my kids have to be super quiet and it's almost like they are imprisoned, for lack of a better term. She also seems to have a huge problem with my older son. It seems like the only time she says a word to him, is to scold him. All this puts me in a very awkward position. I would love to just tell Gwen to shut the hell up, but I do not want my older kids to see us arguing. Alot of this is due to the fact that I only get to see them for a relatively short time. I want to make the most of it and my biggest fear is that they won't want to come to my house because they don't like her.

I also have to be on my "best behavior" with Gwen because of financial reasons. As a business owner, there are times when I cannot afford to pay myself, so she has to cover a lot of the financial burden. This is a huge predicament for me. I have a job that is extremely unique and helps people. I cannot ever see myself going back to the corporate world and being a faceless cog in the wheel. Then again, I feel like crap and almost selfish, not being able to contribute financially like I should. I also have a huge fear of what I would do if my business failed. I really think I need a break...a good week or so away from everything. I feel like I am on a ride... spinning faster and faster and I just want it to stop. I can fake it, of course...make everything appear like things are great, but in reality they aren't and it scares the hell out of me.

2011 Update

Still Married to Gwen and our child is 2 years old now. I have been on 100mg of Lamictal for a year at least? I imagine that has a big role in my BPD episodes being far less frequent. Don't get me wrong, it still is a daily struggle, but it almost seems somewhat manageable. Since my last post, I would say that I have had maybe 1 violent moment, but the rest of the time has been relatively calm. I logged into my blog and noticed 20+ comments that needed to be moderated. Quite a few had a negative tone to them, but for once, I didn't take it super personal. I realized that they truly do not know what it is like to deal with this on a daily basis. It is something that is beyond my control without proper medication and counseling. That does not excuse my behavior, it's just the way I am wired. That being said, there are still issues that I need to work on, but all I can do is tackle them one problem at a time, one day at a time.

A Thank You

It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for the next 18 years of their life (assuming they don't move out before that)."


I read this before I went to bed the other day and I just couldn't get it out of mine. I was furious and took it way too personal. What's interesting is that I feel I am a great parent, just a shitty spouse/boyfriend. When I have my kids or am with the baby, I am able to tone down my bpd for the most part. They are basically oblivious to the fact that their father is a little off.

OK, now that's that out of the way, time to update as to whats been going on. I moved back into the house after a week or so. I really really could not take being away from the baby and financially, I wasn't in a position to be out on my own. We went to see a marriage counselor shortly afterward and I'm not sure how productive it really was. I was brutally honest during the session. I didn't do my normal move of saying what they/she wanted to hear. He pretty much laid the majority of the blame on me, which was expected. I feel that marriage counseling only works if both people actually want to fix their marriage. For me, it was more a matter or appeasing her.

I feel like I'm smothering...in limbo if you will. There are times when I buy into the whole "family" idea and times when I just want to run away. The biggest issue is the baby. I feel like I've missed out on so much with my first two kids. I feel like I'm running out of time to experience a "normal" life.

A new year, same old me.

2011 already. My how quickly time goes by. I am determined to keep posting more frequently, in an effort to provide "therapy" for myself, as well as hopefully help others borderlines. For some reason, my posts from 2009 and 2010 are gone. I am honestly don't remember why I deleted them, but I imagine it was in an alcohol fueled moment. Anyhow, it looks like my nearly 2 1/2 year marriage to Gwen is coming to an end. She kicked me out and changed the locks to the house this past weekend. I knew it was a matter of time and things were pretty bad for the last few months, but I wanted to end it on my terms,but she beat me to it. I realized that even though I knew I would leave, I was using her to avoid having to be responsible and take control of my own situation(finding a place to live,etc).

I saw the therapist who helped me back in 2006 a few times over the last few months and he was pretty helpful. He listened to my account of the marriage and how unhappy I was and basically told me that it sounds like it will not work and that I need to come up with a plan to leave. Of course, the fact that we have a child together now further complicates things. I have such a strong desire to have a "normal" family and once again, I have failed. I know I can "fake it" and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I don't love her like a husband should love a wife. I don't think I fear that she will abandon me any longer, I just don't feel anything. I'm a shell.

For once in my life however, I actually have a desire to change. I want to break this cycle that has ruled me for the past 17 years. My therapist and I agreed that after everything is said and done, I will not date for at least 6 months. This will not be easy, as the longest I have ever been single,has been maybe 6 weeks tops. That is why I will need to continue to see him. I'm also going to look into different medications. I have still been taking 50mg of Lamictal, but that is basically self prescribed. I'm sure it will take a combination of drugs, in addition to the ongoing therapy.

As of right now though, I need to figure out where I am going to live. I have been staying at my work for the past few days, but that is only temporary. I want to see about moving back to my grandmothers,but am afraid to ask, for fear of rejection. I know it must be done though. The road ahead is going to be extremely difficult and I just hope I make it.