July 2012 check-in

 Things haven't been so great since my last post. Problems have more to do with the financial things involved in owning a business more than anything. That being said, I had my kids this weekend and after I dropped them off, I got a text from their mom saying how my oldest daughter came in and started crying...saying she didn't want to go to my house anymore because Gwen is always on her case. It's a difficult situation for me to be in. On one hand, my daughter is bipolar, so like me, tends to have a problem handling emotions, and on the other hand, Gwen does treat my kids like crap, for the most part. I am stuck in the middle. When issues come up, I try and avoid having my kids see me argue with Gwen, but at the same time, I don't want them to think that I don't stick up for them. The stupid part of it all is that I would go off on Gwen without hesitation, if I was able to contribute more financially.
I was prescribed Risperdal to help with my "aggressiveness". I admit that I don't take the full dosage, as it makes me really sleepy and its hard to get up in the morning. If I remember to take my meds early enough, I'll take a half dose, but its hard to say if it really helps or not. I think what keeps me in check more than anything, is that I fear the wrath of Gwen.
When my mom passed away, I inherited her pistol, which is probably not a good thing for a borderline to have. I think part of the reason that I have been reluctant to purchase bullets is because I'm afraid of what I might do to myself.

Random thoughts of nothingness

When my mother passed away, I inherited her pistol. I refuse to buy bullets for it. I know I could snap at any moment and aim it towards myself. I also know that I could not pull the trigger because I have my children to live for. Quite the predicament. I want to make an impact on the world, but haven't...yet. Today isn't necessarily a terrible day, but its just a day filled with nothingness. I am not content with being a faceless person in the crowd. I want to be the one that the faceless people are looking towards. Gwen seems content with nothingness. I don't think she realizes how quickly life passes by. She knows that I won't go anywhere/leave because I will be away from my son and she relishes in the fact. She knows she has the upper hand and as a borderline, that is not a good thing. I am so sick and tired of the constant complaining...such as, i'm so exhausted, i can't take care of the kids on my own,etc. I feel like an invisible hand is gripped around my neck and slowly squeezing.