2011 Update

Still Married to Gwen and our child is 2 years old now. I have been on 100mg of Lamictal for a year at least? I imagine that has a big role in my BPD episodes being far less frequent. Don't get me wrong, it still is a daily struggle, but it almost seems somewhat manageable. Since my last post, I would say that I have had maybe 1 violent moment, but the rest of the time has been relatively calm. I logged into my blog and noticed 20+ comments that needed to be moderated. Quite a few had a negative tone to them, but for once, I didn't take it super personal. I realized that they truly do not know what it is like to deal with this on a daily basis. It is something that is beyond my control without proper medication and counseling. That does not excuse my behavior, it's just the way I am wired. That being said, there are still issues that I need to work on, but all I can do is tackle them one problem at a time, one day at a time.

A Thank You

It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for the next 18 years of their life (assuming they don't move out before that)."


I read this before I went to bed the other day and I just couldn't get it out of mine. I was furious and took it way too personal. What's interesting is that I feel I am a great parent, just a shitty spouse/boyfriend. When I have my kids or am with the baby, I am able to tone down my bpd for the most part. They are basically oblivious to the fact that their father is a little off.

OK, now that's that out of the way, time to update as to whats been going on. I moved back into the house after a week or so. I really really could not take being away from the baby and financially, I wasn't in a position to be out on my own. We went to see a marriage counselor shortly afterward and I'm not sure how productive it really was. I was brutally honest during the session. I didn't do my normal move of saying what they/she wanted to hear. He pretty much laid the majority of the blame on me, which was expected. I feel that marriage counseling only works if both people actually want to fix their marriage. For me, it was more a matter or appeasing her.

I feel like I'm smothering...in limbo if you will. There are times when I buy into the whole "family" idea and times when I just want to run away. The biggest issue is the baby. I feel like I've missed out on so much with my first two kids. I feel like I'm running out of time to experience a "normal" life.

A new year, same old me.

2011 already. My how quickly time goes by. I am determined to keep posting more frequently, in an effort to provide "therapy" for myself, as well as hopefully help others borderlines. For some reason, my posts from 2009 and 2010 are gone. I am honestly don't remember why I deleted them, but I imagine it was in an alcohol fueled moment. Anyhow, it looks like my nearly 2 1/2 year marriage to Gwen is coming to an end. She kicked me out and changed the locks to the house this past weekend. I knew it was a matter of time and things were pretty bad for the last few months, but I wanted to end it on my terms,but she beat me to it. I realized that even though I knew I would leave, I was using her to avoid having to be responsible and take control of my own situation(finding a place to live,etc).

I saw the therapist who helped me back in 2006 a few times over the last few months and he was pretty helpful. He listened to my account of the marriage and how unhappy I was and basically told me that it sounds like it will not work and that I need to come up with a plan to leave. Of course, the fact that we have a child together now further complicates things. I have such a strong desire to have a "normal" family and once again, I have failed. I know I can "fake it" and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I don't love her like a husband should love a wife. I don't think I fear that she will abandon me any longer, I just don't feel anything. I'm a shell.

For once in my life however, I actually have a desire to change. I want to break this cycle that has ruled me for the past 17 years. My therapist and I agreed that after everything is said and done, I will not date for at least 6 months. This will not be easy, as the longest I have ever been single,has been maybe 6 weeks tops. That is why I will need to continue to see him. I'm also going to look into different medications. I have still been taking 50mg of Lamictal, but that is basically self prescribed. I'm sure it will take a combination of drugs, in addition to the ongoing therapy.

As of right now though, I need to figure out where I am going to live. I have been staying at my work for the past few days, but that is only temporary. I want to see about moving back to my grandmothers,but am afraid to ask, for fear of rejection. I know it must be done though. The road ahead is going to be extremely difficult and I just hope I make it.

The update

I can't believe its been so long since I've updated this. I've received comments from other people with BPD saying how they read it and wish I would write more. I'll try to keep it more updated more frequently. I guess I stopped because I got a few comments along the lines of "kill yourself", "you are an ass", etc. I took these personal and stop posting.

So to recap since my last post, there has been a lot of life changing events. Gwen and I got married in December 2008. Hard to believe,huh? If that is not surprising enough, our son was born in November of 2009. I have been taking 50mg of Lamictal daily for the past year I guess and it's really seemed to help take some of the edginess off me. We go to counseling at the church on a monthly basis and it also helps. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments, especially with a new baby, but they aren't nearly as severe and violent as they were in the past. Suicidal thoughts still pop into my head occasionally, but they don't last more than a few seconds. Just taking things day by day.

The Alcoholic

To catch you up to date real quick, I am still living with Gwen. Some days are good, some not so good, but overall I am happy. I realized something last weekend. I have a serious drinking problem. Ever since I started drinking when I was 20 or so, it has always been all or nothing. By that, I mean, I have never been able to just have a beer or two with a meal or at a party. I drink until I am near passing out. It got to the point where I could have 15-20 beers and be fine. I was going through a 750ml bottle of tequila in a weekend. Early on, it was fun, I had a good time and nothing bad ever came from it. The last few years have been progressively worse. I would find myself drinking alone more then with others. If I was alone, I would usually end up really depressed by the end of the night. If I was with a girl, I would turn into a monster. I reached the breaking point last weekend. I was at the house and had finished a bottle of tequila over a few hours. I then moved to vodka and I don't recall what set me off, but I started to get very angry at gwen. I had already broken her phone in a drunken rage several weeks back and threatened to do the same again. I took a screwdriver and stabbed the phone screen, poked a hole through the bedroom door and ripped up her bed sheets that she had just purchased a month before. I then took my anger out on gwen. I pushed her off the bed and she began to fall to the floor. As she did so, I grabbed her hair and ripped some out in the process. At this point, she told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me and wanted me out of her house and out of her life. This was the first time she had told me anything like that. I had always taken her for granted up until this point. I then felt the lowest I have ever felt. I felt like my father.

The next day after I woke up, bits and pieces of the previous night began to come back to me. After Gwen and I talked for a few hours, I was given one final chance and this time, I knew she meant it. I spent a good part of the day in self reflection and realized that drinking has caused nothing but problems for me. Being borderline poses its own problems for me, but when you throw alcohol in the mix, the problems intensify 1000%. I decided then and there that if I ever was going to get better, taking alcohol out of my life for good was the first step. I asked Gwen if she could find an alcoholics anonymous meeting for me to attend and she found a beginners meeting that is held on Wednesday nights. I went to my first meeting several days ago. I listened to the fellow members and realized that we all had so much in common and I was very encouraged by those who had been sober for years. Alcoholism isn't a sickness that you can cure, but a lifelong struggle. So far I have been sober for 6 days and counting. My name is Me and I'm an alcoholic.

The revelation

My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis. One day she offered me a room in her house until I could find an apartment. No strings, no expectations on either one of our parts. I thought about it awhile and decided to accept her invitation. I moved in around the third week of August.

The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."

One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.

The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.

For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.

The mexican and the mexican't

So when I last left you, I promised to tell you the story of the girl I met. Well that didn't last too long, so I'll paraphrase. I met a girl from mexico. She was pretty,smart,never married no kids. She was also here on a tourist visa and had to leave in May. Now I have a problem having a relationship in the same city,much less different countries. For the first few weeks after she went back, I actually really missed her. It was an odd feeling for me. Then over time, I started wondering about "what else was out there" and eventually I told her things just weren't going to work out. I had already cheated on her at this point, with Gwen of all people. The difference was that I actually felt bad about it. She genuinely loved me and meant no harm, but I knew I couldn't deal with the separation.

Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.