Visit to the crisis center

Planned on talking about causes for BPD today, but thought I'd share some events from this past weekend instead. I stopped taking my meds and going to therapy back in November I guess. Since then, things have slowly but surely gotten worse. It finally came to the point this past Sunday morning where suicidal thoughts returned and I felt better off dead. Luckily I was able to recognize the signs and I made a phone call to the united way office. They got me in touch with a place called the Center for Health Care Services Crisis Center. I gave them my information and a brief description of what was going on and went in. After waiting for a few hours, I was able to speak with the doctor. She wrote me a script for Risperdal and Celexa and gave me samples. She also gave me the number of a place where I can get low cost care and medication coverage. I guess it just goes to show that this is a lifelong disorder and requires constant attention. Although I knew I wouldn't actually go through with killing myself, the feelings were there and they were real.
It stemmed from a combination of things. The fact that I live in a tiny room at my grandparents house, the fact that I never have enough money and the fact that I had the most wonderful girlfriend a guy could ask for and I let her go. I try and look at the bright side of things, the fact that I really don't need money since I don't pay rent and only have a few bills. As far as the girl, thats a work in progress. I treated her pretty badly and she still hung in with me for quite a while. A person can only take so much though, so I'm just afraid the damage is already done. Hopefully that is not the case though.
Regardless, I know I need to take care of myself first and foremost and let the chips fall where they may. I did enjoy the placebo effect of the first day back on meds though. Felt chilled and happy, which was a nice change.

My goals for tomorrow are to be kind and friendly, to eat clean and to smile more.