"emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death"
Been over a month since my last post and what an interesting month it's been. Down times have been so much more frequent than up times. I ran out of my meds about two weeks ago, but I'm not convinced that is related. Most of my issues have dealt with my living situation and my love life. Lemme explain...
Living Situation
Last year i decide to quit my nearly 10 year career in the computer field (coincidentally the same day of my suicide attempt) . I enrolled in school and picked up a very part time job in the field in which I'm studying. I went from making $45k a year to $550 a month. Obviously I could not afford to live with my own, so I had to move in with my grandparents and uncle. Don't get me wrong, living rent free is great and since they go to bed by 7pm, the house is quiet to study in, but there are other issues. I live in a 12x10 room and it gets even smaller when I have my 2 kids over for the weekend. Thats not what I'm used to, but it's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is the fact that I feel like I'm a teenager again. Sure they don't tell me I can't stay out till hours of the night, but I always come home at a reasonable hour out of respect. This causes me to have periods of incredible frustration, anger and depression. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. This has led to an increase in alcohol consumption. Last week I drank 5 days in a row, which often made matters worth. At this point I have no other choice other than quit school and go back to work full time, but thats just not going to happen. Living here has obviously affected my love life.
Love(less) Life
BPD has affected my love life more than anything. Quite often, I'm at the grocery store for example and I notice a seemingly happy couple. I feel jealous and angry at the sight of this. Why can't I just be normal like them? Why can't I just be happy and not flip a switch when they say or do something I don't agree with or that's critical? Why can't I trust? If she tells me she is going out with sister to dinner, why can't I just accept and believe that? Instead I play out this scenario in my head that she is really meeting up with a guy for a late night rendezvous. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I think of things I have done in the past, of cheating and lying and figure if I did that, she must have been doing that as well? Another reason I think is due to the fact that I was sexually molested by my father as a child. I must have been 5 or 6. I can vividly remember him calling me into the living room and him lying naked on the floor telling me to play with him. I can remember the time when my parents separated for a year when I was 10. He would have me shower with him. No touching or anything and for some reason, at the time, I didn't think anything was weird about it. There is not a single day that has gone by in the last 15 years that I have not thought about this. Not one day. I think about this and I think about how my life might have been different if these events would have never taken place. If they didn't, maybe I would have turned out "normal".
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