The revelation

My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis. One day she offered me a room in her house until I could find an apartment. No strings, no expectations on either one of our parts. I thought about it awhile and decided to accept her invitation. I moved in around the third week of August.

The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."

One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.

The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.

For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.