To catch you up to date real quick, I am still living with Gwen. Some days are good, some not so good, but overall I am happy. I realized something last weekend. I have a serious drinking problem. Ever since I started drinking when I was 20 or so, it has always been all or nothing. By that, I mean, I have never been able to just have a beer or two with a meal or at a party. I drink until I am near passing out. It got to the point where I could have 15-20 beers and be fine. I was going through a 750ml bottle of tequila in a weekend. Early on, it was fun, I had a good time and nothing bad ever came from it. The last few years have been progressively worse. I would find myself drinking alone more then with others. If I was alone, I would usually end up really depressed by the end of the night. If I was with a girl, I would turn into a monster. I reached the breaking point last weekend. I was at the house and had finished a bottle of tequila over a few hours. I then moved to vodka and I don't recall what set me off, but I started to get very angry at gwen. I had already broken her phone in a drunken rage several weeks back and threatened to do the same again. I took a screwdriver and stabbed the phone screen, poked a hole through the bedroom door and ripped up her bed sheets that she had just purchased a month before. I then took my anger out on gwen. I pushed her off the bed and she began to fall to the floor. As she did so, I grabbed her hair and ripped some out in the process. At this point, she told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me and wanted me out of her house and out of her life. This was the first time she had told me anything like that. I had always taken her for granted up until this point. I then felt the lowest I have ever felt. I felt like my father.
The next day after I woke up, bits and pieces of the previous night began to come back to me. After Gwen and I talked for a few hours, I was given one final chance and this time, I knew she meant it. I spent a good part of the day in self reflection and realized that drinking has caused nothing but problems for me. Being borderline poses its own problems for me, but when you throw alcohol in the mix, the problems intensify 1000%. I decided then and there that if I ever was going to get better, taking alcohol out of my life for good was the first step. I asked Gwen if she could find an alcoholics anonymous meeting for me to attend and she found a beginners meeting that is held on Wednesday nights. I went to my first meeting several days ago. I listened to the fellow members and realized that we all had so much in common and I was very encouraged by those who had been sober for years. Alcoholism isn't a sickness that you can cure, but a lifelong struggle. So far I have been sober for 6 days and counting. My name is Me and I'm an alcoholic.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The revelation
My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis. One day she offered me a room in her house until I could find an apartment. No strings, no expectations on either one of our parts. I thought about it awhile and decided to accept her invitation. I moved in around the third week of August.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
Friday, July 4, 2008
The mexican and the mexican't
So when I last left you, I promised to tell you the story of the girl I met. Well that didn't last too long, so I'll paraphrase. I met a girl from mexico. She was pretty,smart,never married no kids. She was also here on a tourist visa and had to leave in May. Now I have a problem having a relationship in the same city,much less different countries. For the first few weeks after she went back, I actually really missed her. It was an odd feeling for me. Then over time, I started wondering about "what else was out there" and eventually I told her things just weren't going to work out. I had already cheated on her at this point, with Gwen of all people. The difference was that I actually felt bad about it. She genuinely loved me and meant no harm, but I knew I couldn't deal with the separation.
Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.
Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.
Friday, December 7, 2007
I'm back
wow, I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I'm not really sure why I've been reluctant to do so. Wait, I remember, I was dating a girl in October who found my blog. Obviously I'm not going to post whats really going on just to have her read it. Anyhow, that ended a few weeks back, so here I am again. Work has been keeping me very occupied, which is a good thing for me. I find that I get into more trouble the more free time I have. I've pretty much been working till 6, then working out until after 7 on a nightly basis. Ok back to the girl i dated a while back. She met quite a few of my "qualifications" of what I look for in someone. She was educated, successful, attractive and had large breasts lol. On the flip side, she had a child and one of the strongest personalities I've ever dealt with. Lets break this down a bit.
As far as her having a child, I almost feel bad for saying this, but I want a woman without kids, even though i have 2 of my own. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm afraid I won't get enough attention, but instead, its more because I usually disagree with how they are raising them. This is how it was with sybil and this is how it was with the new girl, whom I'll call blondie. Of course I can see it from her daughters point of view...she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from mommy, so she tended to misbehave. Also, I hated the way blondie spoke to her daughter. Her kid was 5 or 6 but she talked to her as if she was a 20 year old..using "big" words, etc. When she would do this, I would literally feel a physical change in myself. My pulse would slow and I would tingle from head to toe. Like rage was building up in me, but i was fighting to keep it inside.
Now as far as her personality...wow..I don't even know where to begin. She was a very intelligent woman..not just book smart, but people smart. This posed a huge challenge for me. I'm used to dating women who are "weaker" for lack of a better term. I tried and tried to break her down, but she wouldn't budge. After awhile, I guess I began to get frustrated,lost interest and ended it.
Anyhow, enough about her. A few weeks ago I met a new girl. She is young, gorgeous,successful and smart. Of course with me there always seems to be a catch. In her case, she is in the military and is on assignment several hours away. I'm still able to see her, but in a few months, she will be moving to Arizona. I laughed to myself when I found this out. It's always something. I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the whole idealization however. I'm not trying to fast forward into thoughts of marriage or anything, but still, i'm unsure of what will happen when she moves.
A friend of mine gave me a 90 day supply of Depakote which I'm going to start taking tonight. I haven't read the side effects because everytime i do, they always occur and i'm not sure how much is in my head or not. Since you are supposed to take them at bedtime, i'm sure they will make me sleepy, thats why i'm waiting until friday night to take them to make sure i won't be a zombie at work.
Speaking of work, its going very well. I found out some good news this week. Instead of them hiring another trainer, they are going to use me instead, which means more working with clients one on one and not just assisting. I'm looking forward to it. I am going to try and keep posts about work fairly vague as my field is a very small one and I don't want my identity revealed to them.
Well I'll try my best to get this updated on a more regular basis from now on.
I feel like its really helpful for me to clear my mind and to hopefully help others in the process.
As far as her having a child, I almost feel bad for saying this, but I want a woman without kids, even though i have 2 of my own. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm afraid I won't get enough attention, but instead, its more because I usually disagree with how they are raising them. This is how it was with sybil and this is how it was with the new girl, whom I'll call blondie. Of course I can see it from her daughters point of view...she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from mommy, so she tended to misbehave. Also, I hated the way blondie spoke to her daughter. Her kid was 5 or 6 but she talked to her as if she was a 20 year old..using "big" words, etc. When she would do this, I would literally feel a physical change in myself. My pulse would slow and I would tingle from head to toe. Like rage was building up in me, but i was fighting to keep it inside.
Now as far as her personality...wow..I don't even know where to begin. She was a very intelligent woman..not just book smart, but people smart. This posed a huge challenge for me. I'm used to dating women who are "weaker" for lack of a better term. I tried and tried to break her down, but she wouldn't budge. After awhile, I guess I began to get frustrated,lost interest and ended it.
Anyhow, enough about her. A few weeks ago I met a new girl. She is young, gorgeous,successful and smart. Of course with me there always seems to be a catch. In her case, she is in the military and is on assignment several hours away. I'm still able to see her, but in a few months, she will be moving to Arizona. I laughed to myself when I found this out. It's always something. I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the whole idealization however. I'm not trying to fast forward into thoughts of marriage or anything, but still, i'm unsure of what will happen when she moves.
A friend of mine gave me a 90 day supply of Depakote which I'm going to start taking tonight. I haven't read the side effects because everytime i do, they always occur and i'm not sure how much is in my head or not. Since you are supposed to take them at bedtime, i'm sure they will make me sleepy, thats why i'm waiting until friday night to take them to make sure i won't be a zombie at work.
Speaking of work, its going very well. I found out some good news this week. Instead of them hiring another trainer, they are going to use me instead, which means more working with clients one on one and not just assisting. I'm looking forward to it. I am going to try and keep posts about work fairly vague as my field is a very small one and I don't want my identity revealed to them.
Well I'll try my best to get this updated on a more regular basis from now on.
I feel like its really helpful for me to clear my mind and to hopefully help others in the process.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The excuse
Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just here with my thoughts. Tonight I started wondering if I sometimes use BPD as an excuse of sorts to justify my behavior. I noticed things turning downhill quickly after I was diagnosed. I somehow wonder how things would be if I never knew. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that at times, I do indeed use it as an excuse, but there are plenty of moments when I feel like I don't have any control over it. When I don't have control, I can feel a physical change in my body. My pulse slows down and I feel woozy, like I just got punched in the face.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The updates
I didn't realize how long its been since my last post. Pretty crazy the last few weeks, no pun intended. Quick recap, started the new job on October 1st and so far so good. With my I.T. background, I've been having to spend the last few days doing computer stuff though. I designed our website and helped them select and install equipment. I'm hoping that they will take all this into consideration when they decide my pay rate as I have no clue what I'm making. They gave me a range when they hired me, but I'm not sure specifically. We get paid on Monday so I guess I'll find out then. The people I work with seem pretty cool. Although they have degrees and tons of hands on experience in the field, I don't feel left out or looked down upon, which is a great thing. The closest borderline moment I've had their so far was yesterday. I made a joke and the manager laughed and said how do you come up with that, you're so quiet. I HATE being called quiet. I could feel my lip start to twitch after she said this, which is usually an indicator of an episode, but I played it off. It did stick in my head though most of the day and even this morning. If they asked anybody who knew me well, they would know I am far from quiet. Since I am brand new to this field, I am trying to soak in and learn as much info as possible, so that doesn't leave time for running my mouth all the time. Anyhow, I'm sure they will realize that in time. It did take a bit to get used to working a monday through friday schedule again though, but I'm good now. I was in bed by 10pm last night for the first time in forever. The job is really physical, so by the time I'm done, I'm drained. I can see it being very rewarding though and that is what I am most looking forward to.
In other news, my grandfather went to the doctor a few weeks back and it was determined he needed a heart valve replacement. He wrestled with the decision for a few days, but decided to go through with it. A few days before the surgery an angiogram was done and it was determined he also needed a bypass. He had the surgery last Saturday and has been in the hospital since. Doing alot better each day and I hope and pray for the best. My grandmother has not left his side since Saturday. Thats the kind of love I hope to find someday.
In other news, my grandfather went to the doctor a few weeks back and it was determined he needed a heart valve replacement. He wrestled with the decision for a few days, but decided to go through with it. A few days before the surgery an angiogram was done and it was determined he also needed a bypass. He had the surgery last Saturday and has been in the hospital since. Doing alot better each day and I hope and pray for the best. My grandmother has not left his side since Saturday. Thats the kind of love I hope to find someday.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The gift
Its kind of funny how things have a way of working out. I had a few jobs yesterday and as I was driving back from one of them, I had to drive past my school. I saw students walking to and from class and it really got me down that I was not one of them. I tried to shake it off the rest of the day, but it seemed to be in the back of my mind throughout the rest of the day. I even had thoughts of pulling out my emergency bag of pills and ending it later that night. Anyhow, I was in my room that evening when my grandmother came and told me that my uncles was here. This wasn't the uncle that used to live with us, but the uncle who owns the house we live at. I thought it was kind of strange for her to tell me this, but I went out to say hello. He said he had heard about my $1 financial aid and asked if I was able to register. I told him no, and that I would have to wait until the Fall II semester to go. Both him and my aunt both have Master's degrees and their 2 kids as well, so education is obviously very important to them. He then proceeds to tell me how he and my aunt wanted to help me out and he pulled out a check for $420. My initial reaction was to say that I couldn't it. I wanted to, but pride set in and I was also ashamed at the fact that I basically blew the money I had saved up for tuition. He insisted and I reluctantly accepted it. I am just not used to people doing nice things for me. I thanked him repeatedly as I fought to hold back tears. I'm even starting to tear up just writing this. It was a very humbling experience and one that I will never forget.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The delete
It has been suggested that I have an addiction to women. What does an addict do when they try to get better? They cut off access to whatever it is they are addicted to. This is what I did today. I started by changing my phone number. Then I gave my number out only to "safe" people. This would be family, friends and girls I didn't have or won't have any history with. Finally I deleted all the number of girls that I had history with. Hopefully this will prevent ill advised drunk booty calls and stop the pattern from repeating itself.
It was kind of like therapy in a way, going through each number. As I was deleting them, I took a minute to look back and think of them. I wondered what "she" was up to..how nursing school was going. I thought about the married girl and was wondering how things were going with her husband,etc. The more time passes, the more I look back on my past relationship in a positive way. I remember the good times more than the bad. I can only hope that over time they will do the same.
It was kind of like therapy in a way, going through each number. As I was deleting them, I took a minute to look back and think of them. I wondered what "she" was up to..how nursing school was going. I thought about the married girl and was wondering how things were going with her husband,etc. The more time passes, the more I look back on my past relationship in a positive way. I remember the good times more than the bad. I can only hope that over time they will do the same.
Monday, August 6, 2007
The Friend
An interesting incident happened the other day. I didn't write about it at the time since it was the same day as the memorial for my friends son, but today I want to let it all out. After the memorial, I called Sybil and she was at McDonald's for her sons birthday and she invited me over. I was bummed from the events of the day but told her I would stop by anyhow. So I get there and we hang out for a bit. She has her cell phone and wanted to show me a video of her son. She is flipping through the videos when I see one of some young guy for a brief moment. She then quickly flips to the next one. I asked who that guy was and her response was simply "my friend" I paused and said which one? Her response again was "my friend" Now I've lied and manipulated enough people in my life to know when I'm not being told the truth. I sat there for a minute and then got up and said I was leaving and I headed out the door to my car. As I was getting in, she comes out in the parking lot and asked what was wrong? Again, I asked her who that guy was and she said it was her friend. I asked if they had dated and she said no. I was pissed off, didn't believe her, so I left.
I talked to her for a little bit the next day and we agreed we needed to get together and talk about things. I have my kids this weekend so between the two of us we didn't have much time. Last night I woke up at 4am wide awake thinking about things. I sent her a text but she was asleep so I didn't hear from her until around 8 or so when she called. Once again I asked her who that guy was. I told her that I want to know the truth because it would be better to find it out now than to find out later on. She then said what I knew all along...that they had dated while we were broken up. I then hung up the phone as soon as I heard that as a natural reaction. Anyway after talking a bit more it turns out that this guy was in fact a friend of hers but one night while they were drunk, they made out. They never went out on any dates or anything..at least that what she tells me.
So that leads me to where i am now. I feel confused, betrayed and hurt. Of course she was quick to remind me of all the times I lied and screwed her over but as messed up as it sounds, its like those rules don't apply to me. there is nothing I hate more than being lied to. When I catch someone lying,and I always do, it really really pisses me off. When you lie to someone its because you think they are stupid and that you won't get caught, at least thats how I see it. I hate being played as the fool. Anyhow borderline was in full effect during this whole mess. Its weird because I could actually feel it kicking in. You know that feeling when you are going down a big drop on a roller coaster? Thats how I felt. Almost like a high of sorts. I went from thinking she was the most perfect girl in the world to thinking she was just like every other girl thats been in my life...worthless.
So where do I go from here? Well I imagine that for normal people you just get together and talk about things until you work them out, but thats just not the borderline way of doing things.
I talked to her for a little bit the next day and we agreed we needed to get together and talk about things. I have my kids this weekend so between the two of us we didn't have much time. Last night I woke up at 4am wide awake thinking about things. I sent her a text but she was asleep so I didn't hear from her until around 8 or so when she called. Once again I asked her who that guy was. I told her that I want to know the truth because it would be better to find it out now than to find out later on. She then said what I knew all along...that they had dated while we were broken up. I then hung up the phone as soon as I heard that as a natural reaction. Anyway after talking a bit more it turns out that this guy was in fact a friend of hers but one night while they were drunk, they made out. They never went out on any dates or anything..at least that what she tells me.
So that leads me to where i am now. I feel confused, betrayed and hurt. Of course she was quick to remind me of all the times I lied and screwed her over but as messed up as it sounds, its like those rules don't apply to me. there is nothing I hate more than being lied to. When I catch someone lying,and I always do, it really really pisses me off. When you lie to someone its because you think they are stupid and that you won't get caught, at least thats how I see it. I hate being played as the fool. Anyhow borderline was in full effect during this whole mess. Its weird because I could actually feel it kicking in. You know that feeling when you are going down a big drop on a roller coaster? Thats how I felt. Almost like a high of sorts. I went from thinking she was the most perfect girl in the world to thinking she was just like every other girl thats been in my life...worthless.
So where do I go from here? Well I imagine that for normal people you just get together and talk about things until you work them out, but thats just not the borderline way of doing things.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The test
First real test happened a little over an hour ago. Sybil was getting a phone line and DSL. She wasn't able to get a dial tone, but if you called the number it would ring and not give you the error message. I assumed that the line was active and maybe it was just a problem with her phone. I told her that I could come by and look at it and she said that would be cool. Just about this time it started pouring down rain so I told her I was going to wait until the rain slowed down and then head over. About a half hour later I was heading out the door in a pretty good mood. As I get ready to turn into her apartment, she calls and says that her dad just came home and that I couldn't come over because he would think we were having sex or something. My mood flipped and I could feel a borderline moment coming on. She said her and her son were leaving out the door and that we could meet up somewhere. I did my best to remain cool on the phone but inside I wanted to scream.
We met up at McDonalds and I tried my best to get over it but it was hard. I didn't storm off or anything, I just kept quiet for the most part. After dinner we left and I returned home. I guess I have a hard time understanding her relationship with her father because I haven't lived with mine for so long. Even then my relationship with my parents is completely different. Hers is like a teenager/parent relationship and mine is more of a acquaintance relationship. I guess I'm not used to parents or anybody for that matter having any control over me. I'm doing my best to deal with it and trying to understand it though. I love her and thats all that matters.
We met up at McDonalds and I tried my best to get over it but it was hard. I didn't storm off or anything, I just kept quiet for the most part. After dinner we left and I returned home. I guess I have a hard time understanding her relationship with her father because I haven't lived with mine for so long. Even then my relationship with my parents is completely different. Hers is like a teenager/parent relationship and mine is more of a acquaintance relationship. I guess I'm not used to parents or anybody for that matter having any control over me. I'm doing my best to deal with it and trying to understand it though. I love her and thats all that matters.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The gym
Lets see...whats been going on in my world as of late...I went by the gym to see what my balance was so I could work out again. you have no idea how much of a role fitness has played in my life the last 7 years or so. I haven't been to the gym since April because I thought I owed them a bunch of money. Turns out it was only $43, so I paid it up and went back again yesterday. I'm sore as hell today, but its a good thing. In addition to being good for your body and mind, the gym gives me back the hobby that i have been missing for awhile..just what i need.
She works out at the same gym as me and since I don't want to accidentally run into her, I'm going to another one. Speaking of Her, I've been thinking about her quite a bit lately...wondering what shes doing, how school is going,etc. I haven't spoken to her since our last conversation and honestly I don't expect to anytime soon or ever for that matter. I've learned to accept the fact that I made alot of mistakes that contributed to things not working out, which is a big step for me. In the past, I 've always wanted to blame everyone else but myself.
I spoke with Sybil yesterday as well. She is an amazing woman, always seems to be in a good mood and can always make me laugh, which doesn't happen that easily. We agreed to try and be friends but today she told me that she just couldn't do it because she couldn't get over how I hurt her in the past.
I am the master at burning bridges.
She works out at the same gym as me and since I don't want to accidentally run into her, I'm going to another one. Speaking of Her, I've been thinking about her quite a bit lately...wondering what shes doing, how school is going,etc. I haven't spoken to her since our last conversation and honestly I don't expect to anytime soon or ever for that matter. I've learned to accept the fact that I made alot of mistakes that contributed to things not working out, which is a big step for me. In the past, I 've always wanted to blame everyone else but myself.
I spoke with Sybil yesterday as well. She is an amazing woman, always seems to be in a good mood and can always make me laugh, which doesn't happen that easily. We agreed to try and be friends but today she told me that she just couldn't do it because she couldn't get over how I hurt her in the past.
I am the master at burning bridges.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Borderline Personality Disorder Criteria and me
According to the DSM IV, below are the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (in bold). Below each criteria is how if it relates to me, if at all.
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
When I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I fit this particular criteria. After some therapy however, I realized I did. In relationships, if the other person said or did something I didn't like, no matter how small, its as if a switch would flip and I would turn into a jerk. I would ignore them or say hurtful things. My therapist pointed out that the reason for this was that I was in fact afraid of them abandoning me. By acting like this, it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I would get out of the relationship before they had a chance to, even if that wasn't even there intention. 2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
This was the big one for me. Aside from being (unhappily) married for 5 years, I haven't had a single relationship last more than a year and a half. Most would last a few months at best. Just as the criterion suggests, the idealization and devaluation was a vicious cycle. When I first meet a girl, I put her on a high and often unreasonable pedestal. After the smallest argument, I get disappointed, thinking that that they don't care for me, or are selfish, resulting in an abrupt change in attitude that often moves too far in the other direction. This cycle has repeated itself for as long as I can remember.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Not so much in this area, thankfully. There was a suicide attempt the day I quit my job however. I took 8 Trileptals and 4 Lexapros. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but enough to send me to the hospital. My therapist described this as a "cry for help". The fact that I have 2 kids that love and depend on me is probably the biggest factor in why I am still alive at this point.
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
Check. My emotions tend to fluctuate from good to bad for reasons that are sometimes obvious, but at other times for seemingly unknown reasons. I seem to get very upset over criticisms or dissagreements that others take in stride. This triggers waves of anxiety,sadnes,anger and at times, desperation. During these "emotional storms" I often turn to alcohol or lash out in anger or rage. I'm at the point where I can often control these, but their are still times when I can't. After these periods, its like a switch is turned and I'm fine and back to "normal".
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
I often feel empty or hollow. This sometimes leads to feeling lonely or bored. I feel dissatisfied with how things in my life are going or with the people around me. When I am in a relationship and these feelings arise, they would often lead to having affairs. This would temporarily relieve the feeling of emptiness, but without a doubt, the feeling would return, along with a feeling of guilt and shame.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
I don't get to the point where physical fights occur, but am often argumentative, quick tempered and sarcastic. The slightest exchange can result in an outburst. Sometimes in the midst of my rage, I realize that I'm overreacting, but seem unable to control the feelings that are sweeping over me.
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Not so much in this area. I don't think I've ever been paranoid or had occasions when I didn't remember saying or doing something.
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