My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis. One day she offered me a room in her house until I could find an apartment. No strings, no expectations on either one of our parts. I thought about it awhile and decided to accept her invitation. I moved in around the third week of August.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
You can reading about borderline personality disorder in my blog.
fz
http://blog.libero.it/fernandazanier/
Goodluck...
Because of BPD I lost the most important person in my life... I hope that doesn't happen to you... and I hope you stay in control...
http://musecrafters.com/beyondtheborder/
I've read your whole blog over the past couple of days. I'm also a guy with BPD. It's nice to know that there are other guys out there with it.
I loved your last paragraph. It really gives me hope for the future. I hope that soon I will too be able to say that BPD no longer controls me.
Good luck, and thanks for the blog.
My mother (age 77) has BPD and been through three marriages. The last was my father who died unexpectedly from anxiety/stress in 2008 at the age of 63. He was in excellent physical health but carried tremendous anxiety in having to handle my mother and her narcissism and negativity. I am trying to understand this disorder on a broader level and your blog has helped me to do that. Most doctors say that those with this disease cannot be helped... that it is too hard for those with this disorder to see outside of their own perspective or world to truly understand the effects they have on those around them and care enough to change.... that it comes down to a choice and that one suffering with BPD will always choose themselves and what benefits them directly. My hope is that my blog (written from the perspective of someone who has a parent suffering from the disorder) may turn others around and get them to see inside a world outside of their own... that maybe it will strike a nerve or chord with someone and get them to be more conscious of how their behavior effects others. My hope is that they can read it without being defensive and accept the responsibility and weight of how they can hurt others. My blog is not about placing blame... it is about understanding the complexity of the disorder and how it touches everyone connected to the person who has it. I know that you may think your children are blind to your disorder but they will eventually feel the weight of it. There is no way around that. This disorder is not just about marital relationships... it trickles down into all the relationships within the family. I didn't get it until I was much older and saw the dynamics of our family after I moved out. I know that my mother loves me... and I think she thinks she loves me above herself... but it is clear she does not. This is just the raw and brutal nature of the disorder. I am learning to deal with this. Your children will have to learn this too. My blog will give specific scenarios of ways in which my mother puts herself above all around her. It will show how she makes me feel inside. It will also show how much I love her and how desperate I am for her to change. It will show how important she is to me. It is a new blog and something I am writing for my own health and to gain support as I am the only one really looking after mhy mom now. My sisters live further away and can be as involved. My mom does not know about the blog as I don't think she would understand or take my perspective well. It would probably hurt her feelings and be counterproductive. It is strictly designed to be an outlet for me and a window for others... or possibly a mirror for others... in it the reflection they may not want to see or do see. I don't know. Tune in if you think it may be of some benefit. No one is out to judge you... we are all trying to heal, understand and have peace. Here is the link: http://simplelifelessons.wordpress.com/
Post a Comment