The Wake Up Call

Alright, so maybe I didn't follow through on my plan to post more frequently. Today I'll try to recap what has been going on in the past month.

I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely cool and fun to hang out with. It was like having a girlfriend without the commitment part. I thought to myself, what an ideal situation. Over time, I noticed that I began to have feelings for her as possibly something more than friends. I had an idea that she felt this way also, but neither one of us said anything. Around sometime in October, I had a crazy idea of wanting a threesome with Gwen and another girl. I brought this up to her and she was down with it. I told her that this was what I wanted for my birthday, so she went looking for a girl for us.

A few weeks later I met and briefly dated a woman named "Jan". I knew from the get go that things wouldn't be long term with Jan. She was 39 years old for starters(no offense to those pushing 40) so I figured it would just be something to do to pass the time. Jan fell for me hard and fast. I knew I could ask her to do just about anything and she would say yes. One night, I went to a friends housewarming party and after way too many drinks, I made a call to Jan and asked her if she wanted to have a threesome. She said yes, so I called up Gwen and we set it up for that night.
We all got together, did what we did and then that was it...so I thought. This event would later turn into one of the biggest mistakes ever. As I mentioned earlier, I had a feeling that Gwen was interested in me as more than a friend and it turns out I was right. Seeing me with Jan really pissed her off inside, but she made it seem like no big deal, so I thought everything was cool. Of course I eventually got bored with Jan and broke it off shortly after.

As I mentioned earlier, Gwen had been looking for a girl for us and she had found one. She gave me her myspace to check out and the girl and I exchanged messages for awhile. One thing led to another and the next thing I know, this girl was taking me out on a date. She was a young, gorgeous,successful and smart girl in the military. If you read my last post, this girl may sound familiar. After a few dates, we decided that Gwen should know about us. As usual, Gwen played it off cool. Gwen is alot like me. I'm not sure if she is borderline or anything, but she does have really good manipulation skills and after a few weeks she began to slowly put ideas in my head. Ideas that the military girl was going to be moving away, so the odds of things working out would be slim. Of course I already knew this in my head, but she just reinforced it.

I don't remember who brought it up first but basically Gwen and I admitted to each other that we had feelings and wanted to be together as more than friends. I ended things with the military girl and in mid December, Gwen and I officially became an item.

Fast forward to December 15th. This is a day that I will never forget as long as I live. Gwen and I had been a couple for 2 days. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied. I'm guessing the kid realized the crazy look in my eye because he yelled "I'm so sorry sir". It was kind of funny actually. Even though I am anonymous on my blog, I'm going to leave out what happened immediately after this as I really don't feel like getting arrested.

I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I titled this post "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.

More than anything, I wanted to know why she did this to me. Just a few days earlier she had admitted how she wanted to be with me for months but didn't tell me. Then 2 days into the relationship she does this. She told me that she hadn't planned on it, but after 6 shots of tequila, she began to replay the night with Jan in her head and she got really pissed and wanted to get back at me. Is that just an excuse? Only she knows, but I guess you could say she did get her revenge. I mean she knew I was coming over and the door was unlocked so if she was trying to be sneaky then she was going about it all wrong. I don't know what to think, but I really believe she is remorseful and wouldn't do it again. So yes, I am still talking to her...should I? I have no idea. I'm sure people get second chances all the time when this happens, I guess it just normally doesnt happen after a few days together. I've talked to a few friends about it. Some have said, leave her, you can do alot better. I even talked to Sybil about it and she reminded me of the second chances she gave me. I really want to believe her and have things work, but I'm afraid of what I will do to her if she ever does that again.

Any input would be appreciated, but for now I'm just taking one day at a time.

I'm back

wow, I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I'm not really sure why I've been reluctant to do so. Wait, I remember, I was dating a girl in October who found my blog. Obviously I'm not going to post whats really going on just to have her read it. Anyhow, that ended a few weeks back, so here I am again. Work has been keeping me very occupied, which is a good thing for me. I find that I get into more trouble the more free time I have. I've pretty much been working till 6, then working out until after 7 on a nightly basis. Ok back to the girl i dated a while back. She met quite a few of my "qualifications" of what I look for in someone. She was educated, successful, attractive and had large breasts lol. On the flip side, she had a child and one of the strongest personalities I've ever dealt with. Lets break this down a bit.
As far as her having a child, I almost feel bad for saying this, but I want a woman without kids, even though i have 2 of my own. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm afraid I won't get enough attention, but instead, its more because I usually disagree with how they are raising them. This is how it was with sybil and this is how it was with the new girl, whom I'll call blondie. Of course I can see it from her daughters point of view...she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from mommy, so she tended to misbehave. Also, I hated the way blondie spoke to her daughter. Her kid was 5 or 6 but she talked to her as if she was a 20 year old..using "big" words, etc. When she would do this, I would literally feel a physical change in myself. My pulse would slow and I would tingle from head to toe. Like rage was building up in me, but i was fighting to keep it inside.
Now as far as her personality...wow..I don't even know where to begin. She was a very intelligent woman..not just book smart, but people smart. This posed a huge challenge for me. I'm used to dating women who are "weaker" for lack of a better term. I tried and tried to break her down, but she wouldn't budge. After awhile, I guess I began to get frustrated,lost interest and ended it.

Anyhow, enough about her. A few weeks ago I met a new girl. She is young, gorgeous,successful and smart. Of course with me there always seems to be a catch. In her case, she is in the military and is on assignment several hours away. I'm still able to see her, but in a few months, she will be moving to Arizona. I laughed to myself when I found this out. It's always something. I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the whole idealization however. I'm not trying to fast forward into thoughts of marriage or anything, but still, i'm unsure of what will happen when she moves.

A friend of mine gave me a 90 day supply of Depakote which I'm going to start taking tonight. I haven't read the side effects because everytime i do, they always occur and i'm not sure how much is in my head or not. Since you are supposed to take them at bedtime, i'm sure they will make me sleepy, thats why i'm waiting until friday night to take them to make sure i won't be a zombie at work.

Speaking of work, its going very well. I found out some good news this week. Instead of them hiring another trainer, they are going to use me instead, which means more working with clients one on one and not just assisting. I'm looking forward to it. I am going to try and keep posts about work fairly vague as my field is a very small one and I don't want my identity revealed to them.

Well I'll try my best to get this updated on a more regular basis from now on.
I feel like its really helpful for me to clear my mind and to hopefully help others in the process.

The excuse

Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just here with my thoughts. Tonight I started wondering if I sometimes use BPD as an excuse of sorts to justify my behavior. I noticed things turning downhill quickly after I was diagnosed. I somehow wonder how things would be if I never knew. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that at times, I do indeed use it as an excuse, but there are plenty of moments when I feel like I don't have any control over it. When I don't have control, I can feel a physical change in my body. My pulse slows down and I feel woozy, like I just got punched in the face.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.

The updates

I didn't realize how long its been since my last post. Pretty crazy the last few weeks, no pun intended. Quick recap, started the new job on October 1st and so far so good. With my I.T. background, I've been having to spend the last few days doing computer stuff though. I designed our website and helped them select and install equipment. I'm hoping that they will take all this into consideration when they decide my pay rate as I have no clue what I'm making. They gave me a range when they hired me, but I'm not sure specifically. We get paid on Monday so I guess I'll find out then. The people I work with seem pretty cool. Although they have degrees and tons of hands on experience in the field, I don't feel left out or looked down upon, which is a great thing. The closest borderline moment I've had their so far was yesterday. I made a joke and the manager laughed and said how do you come up with that, you're so quiet. I HATE being called quiet. I could feel my lip start to twitch after she said this, which is usually an indicator of an episode, but I played it off. It did stick in my head though most of the day and even this morning. If they asked anybody who knew me well, they would know I am far from quiet. Since I am brand new to this field, I am trying to soak in and learn as much info as possible, so that doesn't leave time for running my mouth all the time. Anyhow, I'm sure they will realize that in time. It did take a bit to get used to working a monday through friday schedule again though, but I'm good now. I was in bed by 10pm last night for the first time in forever. The job is really physical, so by the time I'm done, I'm drained. I can see it being very rewarding though and that is what I am most looking forward to.

In other news, my grandfather went to the doctor a few weeks back and it was determined he needed a heart valve replacement. He wrestled with the decision for a few days, but decided to go through with it. A few days before the surgery an angiogram was done and it was determined he also needed a bypass. He had the surgery last Saturday and has been in the hospital since. Doing alot better each day and I hope and pray for the best. My grandmother has not left his side since Saturday. Thats the kind of love I hope to find someday.

The reminiscing

I was going over some of my old posts and reminiscing, if you will. I realized that it's been about four months now since I last spoke to my father. In this time I have heard not a word from him. No attempt to contact me, nothing. I didn't expect him too try and honestly even if he did I know I would ignore it, but still. It really shows what kind of a person he is. I'm just glad that he didn't answer the door when I came over that drunk night. Who knows what would have happened.

I read through posts about "her" and I realized how much I miss her. The past is the past, I know I need to move on, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Her parents live a few blocks away from me and occasionally I have to drive past their house on the way home. I drove by recently and saw her husbands truck there and I felt like throwing up. I don't really see her car there anymore, so I can only assume she moved back in with him. Oh well, I kind of knew deep down that it would end up that way. I have dated 3 women that were married when I met them and all 3 ended up going back home. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson the first time. I guess that should be my new rule..no more married women or women in relationships.

The sex

I realized something today that I guess I never really thought of before. I realized that when it comes to sex, I'm much more interested in convincing the girl to sleep with me, then I am in the act itself. It's like I seduce a woman and it's great. Then say we start dating and it's a month down the road, I start to lose interest. Not in the girl necessarily, but in having sex with her. Is this normal? This is how it has always been with me, so it makes me wonder. I think it has to do with the whole idealization and devaluation concept that is so common in borderlines. The woman is way up there because she is not giving in to going to bed with me. Once that happens, down she goes..she is trash in my eyes. Nothing to be proud of, just reality.

The sleep

I slept a full 7.5 hours last night. Unless I was passed out drunk, I haven't slept this long in months. As obvious as it may sound, I think the key to this was keeping myself busy throughout the day so I wouldn't take naps out of boredom. Also, instead of being up on the computer right up to bedtime, I shut it off earlier and read for a good 20 minutes. Hopefully it will repeat itself tonight. I had to go into work after I dropped the kids off this morning, got out around noon, worked out and went by our other clinic to help move some things. By the time I was done, it was time to get the kids and go to my uncles for our Monday night get together. I'm rambling, but basically it comes down to keeping myself busy, having some sort of structure and not just laying in bed bored with my thoughts. That is a bad combination.

Relationship wise, I'm talking to a few girls, but so far none of them really grab my attention. They are all sweet,nice, girls in their own way, but I just don't feel the spark I guess. Maybe it's too soon anyhow. Of course, the hardest part is telling them that.I hate confrontation, thats why I usually just blow them off until they get the hint.Then again, I'm probably giving myself too much credit and maybe they are thinking of ways to tell me that they are not interested.

Speaking of confrontation, Sybil and I have been split for a month or so now I guess, but at work, they all think the wedding is still on and everything is great. I'm sure if I wasn't quitting in a few weeks, I would eventually tell them, but since I am, I just don't want to deal with all that.

Just another lie I live.