Not so good day

Today was a day I would like to forget for the most part. As I mentioned yesterday, I started freaking out when my girlfriend(I think I can call her that) went over to her sisters house to eat/drink. These elaborate scenarios kept playing out in my head of what she really must have been doing. I tossed and turned for a good part of the night, had my phone right next to me in case she called or sent me a text...nothing. To say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed would be a complete understatement. I woke up extremely irritable and angry. Where was she? What was she doing? Who was she with? Why didn't she call/text? I ended up calling her around 9am...and called her..and called her. I must have called 10 times and sent a half dozen texts. I knew I should just wait for her to call and that it wasn't right for me to be basically harassing her, but it was like there was a short in my brain somewhere that caused me not to stop. I felt like an idiot every single time but it was like I was on auto pilot and had no control. I started to feel the onset of a panic attack but was able to control it before it got out of hand. Finally around 11, she sent me a text. I called her right then and there and started giving her a hard time. I told her that I needed to see her in person and after a few minutes of pleading, she agreed. I'm sure she later wished she never did. We got in my car and drove. I was fuming...I wanted to punch something out of anger/frustration. I calmed down after awhile and told her that I just need reassurance...reassurance that she loves me and wants to be with me. Her response was that she felt she didn't have to keep reassuring me that most people just know that the other person loves and wants to be with them. I'm sure to most people this is common knowledge but it was something I never have considered. So thats how "normal" people act. A feeling of calm came over me and the rest of the day turned out to be good. She even agreed to have dinner with my kids and I. We didn't say much at dinner but it was still really nice to just be with her. I decided on a new mantra to repeat throughout the day. "She loves you, she wants to be with you, always trust her". I must have said this a dozen times today. Hopefully this will sink in after time. I often wonder why she even bothers to still talk to me after all I have put her through. I almost feel like I don't deserve her. I know that the happy times we have shared are the happiest in my life. I can only hope she feels the same and that is why she is still around.