I need some time alone

"I need some time alone". The phrase that a borderline never wants to hear. Unfortunately, I heard these today. I woke up and it felt like it was going to be a good day. I took my kids to church and when we got out, I sent her a text message. It said, I'm taking the kids hiking at the park this afternoon and that I'd like her to come. Her response was simply "no thanks". I sensed something just wasn't in right in that reply, so I called her. From the sound of her voice, I could tell she wasn't too happy. I asked what was wrong and in a nutshell, she told me she was burned out and needed to take a break. Burned out on me? I asked. She replied burned out on everything. School, me, life, etc. I asked if it was something I did or said and she couldn't point to anything specific. It caught me off guard as I thought yesterday went well. We went to my daughters soccer game and then had lunch and chatted occasionally throughout the day. I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she couldn't give me a clear answer. She just said how she needed to take some time off and for me not to harass her by calling/texting every five minutes. Whats funny is that she didn't even have to tell me not to do this. The fact that she came out and said she needed to take a break made it clear to me that she needed to take a break. When I called every five minutes in the past it was because I didn't know what was going on, today I did. Also, in the past I would have called another girl the minute we got off the phone, today I didn't. I ended the conversation calmly, said I wouldn't bother her and that I hope when she was done sorting things out in her head, she would still want to be with me.

I felt strange on the way home. A sense of calm came over me. My initial reaction was that I wanted to go to the bar and drink myself into oblivion, but since I had my kids, I knew this wasn't an option. Although a tear or two fell, I wasn't a basket case. Nothing was going through my head, I was just on auto pilot. I got home, grabbed a knife and went into my room. I carved a 2 inch cut across my wrist and for some reason this relaxed me as it always does.

I took a nap for an hour, woke up, had lunch and took the kids to the park for some hiking. I purposely left my phone in the car because I knew if I had it, I would keep checking it to see if she called. Despite everything, I do have glimpses of what it must be like to be normal. While I was walking with the kids, I wasn't fighting a battle in my mind thinking of her, I wasn't thinking that there was some hidden agenda in her wanting time to think, I wasn't thinking damn, I need to be with somebody, who can I call? I was just enjoying spending time with my kids. I know without a doubt that without them I would not be alive. I know I need help and am working on getting better. I also know that I love her and want to be with her more than anything. I just hope she doesn't give up on me, cut her losses and move on just when I'm starting my recovery.