Mad World

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

I made it through all day yesterday and (so far) all day today without calling/texting her. That's not to say I haven't wanted to, but I knew it was for the best. Of course I still hope to hear from her soon, but I know this is a big decision for her, so if she needs time, she needs time. I feel like the longer she takes, the more likely it is that she will choose not to be with me. Maybe I'm wrong...who knows. I can't stress about things that are out of my control. I guess part of me is afraid that she will get used to not talking to me and realize that she can be happy without me. I know one thing for sure though, if she chooses to break up with me, I am not going to jump into a relationship anytime soon. I was thinking about this last night and the longest I have not been in a relationship is a month at most. Always seemed to be floating from one to another, with no real sense of direction or purpose. I am curious and honestly a little scared about tomorrow. 
My weekend with my kids officially ends tomorrow morning, so
 it won't
 be quite as easy for me to 
occupy myself. I am going to try my best to stay out of the bar. I'm 
already 
down, so why do
 something that will cause me to sink even further. 
I have a quiz I should be working on right now, but I just can't seem to
motivate myself to do it. She is constantly running through my mind and I can't stop it even if I tried. I need a vacation. When school gets out for the semester, 
I would love to spend it lying alone
 on a beach somewhere, me and my thoughts....or admitted 
into a hospital.