It's been a pretty rough week, for no real reason. I have been feeling down, I am always tired and I spend a good amount of my free time lying in bed looking up at the ceiling in a daze. If I can get 6 hours of sleep a night, its a great thing. Since I'm always tired, I end up taking naps throughout the day. I think alot of it has to do with boredom. I think back to maybe 2 years ago. I felt so alive and full of life. Now I am just an empty shell of my former self. I mentioned boredom and I think this is a big part of it. A few years back, hell even last year, I was working full time so I always had something to do. Since I have been working only part time since January, I have way too much time on my hands. The good news is that all this will change shortly. The spinal cord facility is opening up on October 1st. I'm hoping that it all works out well as I feel its a great opportunity. Hopefully I will be able to get out on my own soon. That is another cause of my sadness I believe. As much as I appreciate my grandparents letting me stay with them for free, its really really starting to get to me. I've come home late or been out all night even. It's as if I'm daring them to say something to me so I have an excuse to leave. Not that I have anywhere to go of course.
I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, the gangster classic "Goodfellas". In the final scene, Henry says some words that really stuck with me.
And now it's all over.
That's the hardest part.
Today everything is different.
There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else.
Can't even get decent food.
After I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce...
...and I got egg noodles with ketchup.
I'm an average nobody.
I get to live the rest of
my life like a schnook."
I realized that this summed up my life.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying a nobody.
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3 comments:
But there is an anonymous beauty in being a nobody, a run-of-the-mill human. Isn't raw humanity what all the movies dramatize to make us laugh, cry and reflect? The same could be said for average intelligence. Brilliant people have too many fucking problems.
This is what I struggle with, whether it be in deciding on a career or meeting a girl. I have this fear of being average. I'm not sure what I'm trying to overcompensate for. I guess I could always blame the media and their shoving celebrities down our throats, but that would be too easy.When I say I don't want to die a nobody, I guess what I mean is I want to have an affect on someones life, preferably in a positive way. That was the number one reason for deciding to study physical therapy and for taking the job at the spinal cord facility. Only time will tell-
I see! Yes, I can completely get what you're saying in that respect. Making a positive impact is something we all want to do...
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