Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just here with my thoughts. Tonight I started wondering if I sometimes use BPD as an excuse of sorts to justify my behavior. I noticed things turning downhill quickly after I was diagnosed. I somehow wonder how things would be if I never knew. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that at times, I do indeed use it as an excuse, but there are plenty of moments when I feel like I don't have any control over it. When I don't have control, I can feel a physical change in my body. My pulse slows down and I feel woozy, like I just got punched in the face.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.
My daily struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder.
3 comments:
This was a very important insight.
Sometimes it takes trial and error, but there is a grounded therapist out there whose style fits your goals. Try one who focuses more on behavioral modification rather than just analysis. Not all the meds are bad. Lexapro is one of the more gentle seratonin reuptake inhibitors, if you can get your insurance to cover it.
You're obviously doing the hard work it takes to improve. That's commendable.
Discussing any mental issues, from a personal level, is not easy. More people to need to know about these things though, and it's encouraging to see so many opening up on the WWW to tell their stories. I wish you all the best and I hope your grandfather is doing well.
Ya OK? Where ya been?
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