The update

I can't believe its been so long since I've updated this. I've received comments from other people with BPD saying how they read it and wish I would write more. I'll try to keep it more updated more frequently. I guess I stopped because I got a few comments along the lines of "kill yourself", "you are an ass", etc. I took these personal and stop posting.

So to recap since my last post, there has been a lot of life changing events. Gwen and I got married in December 2008. Hard to believe,huh? If that is not surprising enough, our son was born in November of 2009. I have been taking 50mg of Lamictal daily for the past year I guess and it's really seemed to help take some of the edginess off me. We go to counseling at the church on a monthly basis and it also helps. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments, especially with a new baby, but they aren't nearly as severe and violent as they were in the past. Suicidal thoughts still pop into my head occasionally, but they don't last more than a few seconds. Just taking things day by day.

The excuse

Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just here with my thoughts. Tonight I started wondering if I sometimes use BPD as an excuse of sorts to justify my behavior. I noticed things turning downhill quickly after I was diagnosed. I somehow wonder how things would be if I never knew. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that at times, I do indeed use it as an excuse, but there are plenty of moments when I feel like I don't have any control over it. When I don't have control, I can feel a physical change in my body. My pulse slows down and I feel woozy, like I just got punched in the face.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.

The suicide

So I get a call from a good friend of mine yesterday. I don't have too many friends, but this guy I consider one of my best ones. Worked with him for 3 1/2 years. Anyhow, the conversation started out normal enough, I said whats up and he said its been a rough week. I asked him why and he said his son. His oldest son had gotten into trouble a few times over the years so I asked him "is he getting into trouble again?" His response was no, he committed suicide. I was speechless..i mumbled something along the lines of "what the fuck?" He told me his sons doctor put him on prozac 6 weeks ago and he thinks it was a factor. I have to say I agree. When I was on it, I never felt so depressed or suicidal. He told me how the memorial was going to be that night and I told him that I would be there. I came home and that was all I could think about. I'm not sure if this upset me so much because he is a close friend or because I have kids and would never want to experience that. Probably a combination of both. I was sleepy so I tried laying down but I just couldn't. My heart was raising and I had a hard time breathing. I just couldn't get it out of my head. This really affected me in ways that words just don't describe. I decided to get out of bed, pick up my kids and we spend the rest of the afternoon together. The first thing I did was give them both a big hug and tell them how much I love them. I thought back on the times that I got after them for silly things and felt terrible. I thought of the times when I myself wanted to end it all. If I felt this bad when this happened to my friend, how would my kids feel if this happened to daddy?

Talk about a wake up call.

The decision

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.

I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.

Mad World

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

I made it through all day yesterday and (so far) all day today without calling/texting her. That's not to say I haven't wanted to, but I knew it was for the best. Of course I still hope to hear from her soon, but I know this is a big decision for her, so if she needs time, she needs time. I feel like the longer she takes, the more likely it is that she will choose not to be with me. Maybe I'm wrong...who knows. I can't stress about things that are out of my control. I guess part of me is afraid that she will get used to not talking to me and realize that she can be happy without me. I know one thing for sure though, if she chooses to break up with me, I am not going to jump into a relationship anytime soon. I was thinking about this last night and the longest I have not been in a relationship is a month at most. Always seemed to be floating from one to another, with no real sense of direction or purpose. I am curious and honestly a little scared about tomorrow. 
My weekend with my kids officially ends tomorrow morning, so
 it won't
 be quite as easy for me to 
occupy myself. I am going to try my best to stay out of the bar. I'm 
already 
down, so why do
 something that will cause me to sink even further. 
I have a quiz I should be working on right now, but I just can't seem to
motivate myself to do it. She is constantly running through my mind and I can't stop it even if I tried. I need a vacation. When school gets out for the semester, 
I would love to spend it lying alone
 on a beach somewhere, me and my thoughts....or admitted 
into a hospital.

I need some time alone

"I need some time alone". The phrase that a borderline never wants to hear. Unfortunately, I heard these today. I woke up and it felt like it was going to be a good day. I took my kids to church and when we got out, I sent her a text message. It said, I'm taking the kids hiking at the park this afternoon and that I'd like her to come. Her response was simply "no thanks". I sensed something just wasn't in right in that reply, so I called her. From the sound of her voice, I could tell she wasn't too happy. I asked what was wrong and in a nutshell, she told me she was burned out and needed to take a break. Burned out on me? I asked. She replied burned out on everything. School, me, life, etc. I asked if it was something I did or said and she couldn't point to anything specific. It caught me off guard as I thought yesterday went well. We went to my daughters soccer game and then had lunch and chatted occasionally throughout the day. I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she couldn't give me a clear answer. She just said how she needed to take some time off and for me not to harass her by calling/texting every five minutes. Whats funny is that she didn't even have to tell me not to do this. The fact that she came out and said she needed to take a break made it clear to me that she needed to take a break. When I called every five minutes in the past it was because I didn't know what was going on, today I did. Also, in the past I would have called another girl the minute we got off the phone, today I didn't. I ended the conversation calmly, said I wouldn't bother her and that I hope when she was done sorting things out in her head, she would still want to be with me.

I felt strange on the way home. A sense of calm came over me. My initial reaction was that I wanted to go to the bar and drink myself into oblivion, but since I had my kids, I knew this wasn't an option. Although a tear or two fell, I wasn't a basket case. Nothing was going through my head, I was just on auto pilot. I got home, grabbed a knife and went into my room. I carved a 2 inch cut across my wrist and for some reason this relaxed me as it always does.

I took a nap for an hour, woke up, had lunch and took the kids to the park for some hiking. I purposely left my phone in the car because I knew if I had it, I would keep checking it to see if she called. Despite everything, I do have glimpses of what it must be like to be normal. While I was walking with the kids, I wasn't fighting a battle in my mind thinking of her, I wasn't thinking that there was some hidden agenda in her wanting time to think, I wasn't thinking damn, I need to be with somebody, who can I call? I was just enjoying spending time with my kids. I know without a doubt that without them I would not be alive. I know I need help and am working on getting better. I also know that I love her and want to be with her more than anything. I just hope she doesn't give up on me, cut her losses and move on just when I'm starting my recovery.

Borderline Personality Disorder Criteria and me

According to the DSM IV, below are the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (in bold). Below each criteria is how if it relates to me, if at all.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't think I fit this particular criteria. After some therapy however, I realized I did. In relationships, if the other person said or did something I didn't like, no matter how small, its as if a switch would flip and I would turn into a jerk. I would ignore them or say hurtful things. My therapist pointed out that the reason for this was that I was in fact afraid of them abandoning me. By acting like this, it was a defense mechanism of sorts. I would get out of the relationship before they had a chance to, even if that wasn't even there intention.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

This was the big one for me. Aside from being (unhappily) married for 5 years, I haven't had a single relationship last more than a year and a half. Most would last a few months at best. Just as the criterion suggests, the idealization and devaluation was a vicious cycle. When I first meet a girl, I put her on a high and often unreasonable pedestal. After the smallest argument, I get disappointed, thinking that that they don't care for me, or are selfish, resulting in an abrupt change in attitude that often moves too far in the other direction. This cycle has repeated itself for as long as I can remember.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

This is another area which I have a problem with. I frequently feel that I have little self-worth and that my self concept depends mainly on the attitudes and behaviors of people close to me. If they seem loving and attentive, I feel good about myself. Criticisms however, cause anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. I also often feel unsure of who I really am, what values I believe in, even what career I should pursue. Other peoples opinions of me are much more important to me than my own.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Unfortunately, I fit this as well. Most notably excessive spending, drinking, promiscuity and binge eating. This usually occurs when I feel anxious or empty inside. Afterwards I feel a temporary "high", which is gone shortly thereafter and I'm back where I started.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Not so much in this area, thankfully. There was a suicide attempt the day I quit my job however. I took 8 Trileptals and 4 Lexapros. I knew it wasn't enough to kill me, but enough to send me to the hospital. My therapist described this as a "cry for help". The fact that I have 2 kids that love and depend on me is probably the biggest factor in why I am still alive at this point.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Check. My emotions tend to fluctuate from good to bad for reasons that are sometimes obvious, but at other times for seemingly unknown reasons. I seem to get very upset over criticisms or dissagreements that others take in stride. This triggers waves of anxiety,sadnes,anger and at times, desperation. During these "emotional storms" I often turn to alcohol or lash out in anger or rage. I'm at the point where I can often control these, but their are still times when I can't. After these periods, its like a switch is turned and I'm fine and back to "normal".

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

I often feel empty or hollow. This sometimes leads to feeling lonely or bored. I feel dissatisfied with how things in my life are going or with the people around me. When I am in a relationship and these feelings arise, they would often lead to having affairs. This would temporarily relieve the feeling of emptiness, but without a doubt, the feeling would return, along with a feeling of guilt and shame.

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I don't get to the point where physical fights occur, but am often argumentative, quick tempered and sarcastic. The slightest exchange can result in an outburst. Sometimes in the midst of my rage, I realize that I'm overreacting, but seem unable to control the feelings that are sweeping over me.

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Not so much in this area. I don't think I've ever been paranoid or had occasions when I didn't remember saying or doing something.

There you have it, BPD criteria and how it relates to me. Tomorrow, I'll discuss possible causes for this disorder.