Sunday, March 27, 2011

A new year, same old me.

2011 already. My how quickly time goes by. I am determined to keep posting more frequently, in an effort to provide "therapy" for myself, as well as hopefully help others borderlines. For some reason, my posts from 2009 and 2010 are gone. I am honestly don't remember why I deleted them, but I imagine it was in an alcohol fueled moment. Anyhow, it looks like my nearly 2 1/2 year marriage to Gwen is coming to an end. She kicked me out and changed the locks to the house this past weekend. I knew it was a matter of time and things were pretty bad for the last few months, but I wanted to end it on my terms,but she beat me to it. I realized that even though I knew I would leave, I was using her to avoid having to be responsible and take control of my own situation(finding a place to live,etc).

I saw the therapist who helped me back in 2006 a few times over the last few months and he was pretty helpful. He listened to my account of the marriage and how unhappy I was and basically told me that it sounds like it will not work and that I need to come up with a plan to leave. Of course, the fact that we have a child together now further complicates things. I have such a strong desire to have a "normal" family and once again, I have failed. I know I can "fake it" and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I don't love her like a husband should love a wife. I don't think I fear that she will abandon me any longer, I just don't feel anything. I'm a shell.

For once in my life however, I actually have a desire to change. I want to break this cycle that has ruled me for the past 17 years. My therapist and I agreed that after everything is said and done, I will not date for at least 6 months. This will not be easy, as the longest I have ever been single,has been maybe 6 weeks tops. That is why I will need to continue to see him. I'm also going to look into different medications. I have still been taking 50mg of Lamictal, but that is basically self prescribed. I'm sure it will take a combination of drugs, in addition to the ongoing therapy.

As of right now though, I need to figure out where I am going to live. I have been staying at my work for the past few days, but that is only temporary. I want to see about moving back to my grandmothers,but am afraid to ask, for fear of rejection. I know it must be done though. The road ahead is going to be extremely difficult and I just hope I make it.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Take a deep breath because this is going to be refreshing. I don't care what anyone else tells you because you have to listen to this and this only: YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION. I was diagnosed with BPD about 7 years ago. Having a mental illness is a challenge in itself but reaching out to others is where you have taken it to the next level. I can tell from reading that the comments you receive like 'kill yourself' and 'you are a jackass' bother you more than people might realize. For someone who probably suffers from fear of rejection (us BPD'S are a lot more sensitive than we appear) you are handling yourself SO WELL. I would have given up along time ago if I was you, but you didn't and you should be SO PROUD of yourself. Every day is a struggle, the world can go from black to white back to black within minutes. I know every mistake you have ever made haunts you, I can tell. I want you to take a moment and just realize how much you've touched me. Your honesty and courage are just so wonderful. I just hope one day you will be able to find some good support (medical and emotional). Don't give up, keep on writing. I want you to know that if there is a day that you think no one cares, you can write a blog and count on the fact that I will be reading it. I just bookmarked you, so don't disappoint! I will be checking up on you daily.
Your BPD sister from QC :)

kevin blumer said...

sda thigs are coming to the end for you hugs i know pretty mutch how it feels but i split back half a year ago and i didnt think i could do it but i did still sad about it like but life goes on bpd and relationships never the best subject

Anonymous said...

I just found this site but I saw that you weren't posting often and decided to start again. I strongly encourage you to do so. Not only could it be therapeutic for you, but for other people out there with BPD, sites like this are needed. There isn't much out there. Thanks for what you do :)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I stumbled across your blog while reading a lot about bpd. I recently dated a guy who I suspect has bpd. He displays all the classic symptoms. I read that abuse is common at an early age for a lot of bpd sufferers. He was badly sexually abused when he was a young boy by his step brother. He mentioned this to me twice, the second time he seemed to have forgotten he said it to me the first, he just kept saying, 'I want you to understand me' , even though he had told me about the abuse the week before. I thought this was weird. We had a whirlwind romance when we first met, but I thought he was very over the top, it was like he worshiped me and thought about me all day and night until he saw me next. He looked at me all starry eyed, like he was high. I was flattered, but thinking back it was weird. I liked him but didn't like that he was so needy and clingy so quickly.. Literally within a day.. Anyhow, he told me he was very depressed until he met me, and it was like he was a child around me, even his speech was like a child in bed.. and the guy is 44! .. I then started to notice things. He would get very jealous and paranoid when I talked to his house-mate, he even said this to me. And he was always putting himself down. I tried to comfort him about this but it was like nothing I said was going in. He also binged on alcohol and really bad food all the time. I'm very diet conscious so this was an issue, although I was willing to put up with it because I really liked him, despite his weirdness. He Didn't cook at all but was obsessed with cleanlines. Anyhow, to cut a long story short. A few days ago, he asked me for a loan of money, some of it for gambling on cards. ( he is unemployed and always borrowing off people)I told him I wouldn't give him money for that and I didn't feel comfortable with it. Anyhow, he then had a tantrum, reacted like a teenager, and hung up on me. Then an hour later he called round with stuff in a bag I had left at his place. He said , there's your stuff, good luck with your exams and he literally ran away and up the road. I was stunned, shocked and a little scared. He seemed to just change in a second, like he didn't even like me anymore. I then texted him asking what the hell was going on. He won't speak to me or answe, and I have deleted his number. I feel for him but I can't fix him. It's very distressing as I really feel he has bpd. There's much more he did that makes me think he has bpd but wanted to keep this short, Do you think he will eventually call or text me? Very distressed here.. :(

Anonymous said...

I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. Probably would have been sooner if I actually went to a doctor years ago. I was put on two different kinds of medication. It actually helped my mood but not my thinking nor my ability to understand the "grey area" of everything. BPD is untreatable. It can be liveable but never treated, so I hear.

Forevertes said...

Have you looked into getting disability? It is common for people with bpd to get it and they give you very nice housing that you can afford. thank you for blogging! As being "freshly diagnosed with bpd" its nice to know these struggles are common

Forevertes said...

Also to Anonymous who asked about the boyfriend she was seeing.... he most likely will call again one of the issues with bpd is we see in black and white so you can only be all good or all bad....and at that moment you were all bad.... wait until his moods shift... he'll call

torchwoodfan said...

hi just discovered you all thought i was alone BPD stole my life if i ever had one i feel maybe it was always with me i want to think of something possitive to say to you but im just glad to find you i know its hard to live i know we dont always want too but maybe theres someone waiting for you maybe in a year or five years.i have a family but i cant look after myself never mind anyone else i try to stop all the self harm but it makes me feel alive the more it hurts the better it feels please dont hate me for saying that i cant help it ive had all the medication going but it dosent seem to help or maybe it does and im just so bad i dont know it i might try one day but coming of it is hell ive tried it before sorry its not very possitive but take care of yourself and i will try to figure out how to blog

Susie said...

I hope you do find time to start blogging again. I've just started (once more, after a year's break), and am convinced I'm going to continue. Right, OK. Yes, therapy. Yes, can help others. Yes, can make others laugh with my random madness...! Yes, it's also enjoyable! But...!
I am so damned random that I forget about things. Well, not quite forget - I put them off until such a time has passed that I realise it's useless trying to go on with it, once more. But, for the moment, I'm in writing mode! lol!

Beatrice Amador said...

As a bpd sufferer, I understand what you are going through. Relationships have always been a struggle for me as well. After a few failed relationships, I decided that I needed to do more to treat my bpd symptoms. I found a lot of great advice at http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-tdp. I hope others struggling with bpd find this helpful.