It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for the next 18 years of their life (assuming they don't move out before that)."
I read this before I went to bed the other day and I just couldn't get it out of mine. I was furious and took it way too personal. What's interesting is that I feel I am a great parent, just a shitty spouse/boyfriend. When I have my kids or am with the baby, I am able to tone down my bpd for the most part. They are basically oblivious to the fact that their father is a little off.
OK, now that's that out of the way, time to update as to whats been going on. I moved back into the house after a week or so. I really really could not take being away from the baby and financially, I wasn't in a position to be out on my own. We went to see a marriage counselor shortly afterward and I'm not sure how productive it really was. I was brutally honest during the session. I didn't do my normal move of saying what they/she wanted to hear. He pretty much laid the majority of the blame on me, which was expected. I feel that marriage counseling only works if both people actually want to fix their marriage. For me, it was more a matter or appeasing her.
I feel like I'm smothering...in limbo if you will. There are times when I buy into the whole "family" idea and times when I just want to run away. The biggest issue is the baby. I feel like I've missed out on so much with my first two kids. I feel like I'm running out of time to experience a "normal" life.