Friday, May 6, 2011

A Thank You

It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for the next 18 years of their life (assuming they don't move out before that)."


I read this before I went to bed the other day and I just couldn't get it out of mine. I was furious and took it way too personal. What's interesting is that I feel I am a great parent, just a shitty spouse/boyfriend. When I have my kids or am with the baby, I am able to tone down my bpd for the most part. They are basically oblivious to the fact that their father is a little off.

OK, now that's that out of the way, time to update as to whats been going on. I moved back into the house after a week or so. I really really could not take being away from the baby and financially, I wasn't in a position to be out on my own. We went to see a marriage counselor shortly afterward and I'm not sure how productive it really was. I was brutally honest during the session. I didn't do my normal move of saying what they/she wanted to hear. He pretty much laid the majority of the blame on me, which was expected. I feel that marriage counseling only works if both people actually want to fix their marriage. For me, it was more a matter or appeasing her.

I feel like I'm smothering...in limbo if you will. There are times when I buy into the whole "family" idea and times when I just want to run away. The biggest issue is the baby. I feel like I've missed out on so much with my first two kids. I feel like I'm running out of time to experience a "normal" life.

20 comments:

Blackbird said...

It's funny that you quoted what someone said about your post...I hadn't read this post yet, but I JUST commented on the fact that they said that to you. I feel for you. I know how hard it is to reach out for help and have people (basically) tell us we're monsters. We're not. We have BPD because it helped us survive some tough times...at some point in our lives, it was a coping mechanism that saved us. But now we're adults and we don't need those coping methods anymore.
You're doing great =)

Catherine Taylor said...

It sounds like you're going through a rough time. I know it must be hard because a Borderlines first instinct is to run, so kudos to you for sticking with it. I hope marriage counseling gives you the help you two need. You being completely honest gives this a better chance of happening.
Please don't let what people post affect you. Some people are just jerks and don't deserve the effort it takes to wonder about what they said. For some reason people think that just because we have Borderline, we can't be good parents. But they're wrong. I hope you enjoy proving just how wrong they are! Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

I think you are amazing, beeing honest about your struggle. I struggle with Bipolar and I know how it is to get insensitive comments that keep going around and around in the head. From Norway so there might be some grammar mistakes.....Stay strong!!

Heather H said...

I feel like an empty shell most of the time. 32 yrs old mother of 3 and in a relationship for 5+ years. I need help really bad but have very limited resources.Don't know where to go or who to talk to.

Shiloh said...

I don't believe I'm as old as you are, but living with BPD is hard. My biggest difficulty right now is my parents. Also my fiance just cheated on me and was constantly trying to change me. It's so hard because I go through the same thing. Wanting to be around people so desperately and be comforted, but then once I get around them, I hate them all, and want to yell at them and tell them to fuck off and I just want to be alone. It doesn't make any sense. Are you on any medication? I'm wishing the best for you.

Shiloh said...

I have no idea if that worked or not, it says comment has been saved and is waiting for approval. I hope it did because I can't remember everything I typed other than I too have BPD and it is so so so hard to live with. I feel your pain. I too go through phases of wanting to be close to people and then once around them just wanting to be alone. I'm wishing you the best. If you ever want to talk from one BPD patient to another feel free to send me an email.

Anonymous said...

you don't have bpd. you are just an asshole.

BPD Girl said...

Your are not the only one who suffers through this, that I can promise you. However from all of the things I have found there are not a lot of adults who deal with it.

torchwoodfan said...

hi ive been trying to find a blog with people like me on it {BPD] imglad ive finally found someone i cant control my life it controls me the depression the empiness and the self harm which is rapidly getting out of control. at 45 i should have the "normal" family life shouldnt i.yes im married yes i have now grown up children but that it were it all ends my life is like living in a parrellell world the thing is i dont want to change it im going to blog so i will be around

Algea said...

I have bpd too. I just ran across ur blog. I don't even really know what to say, but I kno how you feel. It hurts to think of missing out on your kids lives or affecting them because of bpd. I destroyed my marriage and emotionally hurt my 3 kids really bad a short time back. Now I am living in the same house as my ex, and my kids, out of necessity only, and it hurts so much. I am so happy to b with my kids, I couldn't breathe wn I wasn't with them. But it hurts so much to see my ex every day and to remember how I hurt him so much. I told him tht I loved him but not in the way a wife should love a husband. I know tht it was the sickness talking now. I destroyed an 11 yr relationship with the most caring person I ever met. The one person tht I trusted in all of my 34 years. Now I sleep in the laundry room and pray that he will forgive me enough one day to let me be his wife again.
How does one with this disorder know when an emotion is 'normal' or overblown because of bpd? That is my big problem. Where does a person w bpd go wn they need to talk, but can't have friends, and don't trust a therapist because of a lot of BAD ones? I write a lot. But it just isn't enough I don't think...

I hope you can work through your bpd better thn I am. You seem to have the thing tht I crave, and tht is hope. I wish u love and luck.

tiffanyLORRAINE said...

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is tough. Have you tried reading books to better aquaint yourself with it? I read "I hate you don't leave me" but there's also an up to date book called "Sometimes I act crazy" by the same author. It's just for borderline personality disorder. There's also this other book that was recommended by someone in my borderline support group on facebook... Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living with Someone Who Has Borderline http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Workbook-ebook/dp/B0054M1OD6/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1314402857&sr=8-4
I hope that it gets easier for you. But you're not in this alone there are plenty of us out here suffering through the same thing.

Persistence said...

I just stumbled on your blog and am in a tailspin of doubt about raising my children as a borderline. Some people just don't get it. BPD is a challenge. Here is my new blog. http://alwayspersistent.blogspot.com

Jenn said...

The, uh, turd that left that comment is a piece of...turd (I'll put it nicely). Apparently he/she needs to read that book again, take serious notes, and stop blaming his/her mother for being a bitter mess. At some point we all must take responsibility for who we are, despite our pasts, or else we are no better than what we came from.

I am a fellow sufferer of BPD, perusing the 'net for some insight into why another relationship is leaving me unfulfilled. Alas, I was diagnosed 13 years ago but really didn't fully appreciate or attempt to understand what the diagnosis meant until 5 years ago after a really horrendously stormy relationship and divorce. I've dealt with suicide attempts, hospitalizations--the gamut of emotional rollarcoasters and irrational thinking that we all seem to be "blessed" with.

I have been off medication now for most of those 5 years and while I think sometimes that I'm out-growing the diagnosis just by virtue of being sick and tired of all the crying and pain and whatnot and choosing to handle things differently, sometimes its just out of my control. I feel bad for anyone in my life who attempts to care about me or get close in any way. But the last thing that will help is shutting yourself off so that you only have your own misgivings to listen to. We will only learn how to deal with this by living--although I have to stress that you have to be willing to see yourself for who you ARE and what you contribute to the situation honestly--HONESTLY--no beating yourself down. Learn. And carry on.

As for raising your children--screw that asshat commenteer, my friend. I understand how you say you try to keep it under wraps around them (my son is 19 and didn't know til 2-3 years ago), and yes, you need to be aware that there may be unintended consequences, but so there are to any personality, or disease, or family dynamic. Who knows how the disorder manifested itself in that person's parent. Could have been so many factors. I would just suggest trying to be as open as you can once the children reach a decent age.

Unfortunately, people such as us are sensitive to criticism and other perceived slights of our worth as human beings. Don't assume that people who would say such things to you are any better or are raising their children to be magnificent contributors to society. If he/she was so heinously damaged from their parentage, I'd say that's even less reason to give a crap what they say. You should make friends with more of "us" who understand you. You don't need naysayers in your life. In fact, no one does--regardless of degree of apparent defect.

I have toyed with the idea of blogging because writing helps me. If this helps you, say everything you mean and damned be the audience. This is not about them. And if you help a few of us brothers or sisters, all the better. If it helps you, keep doing it and do it often.

Best of luck, life and learning to you...

Lunatic said...

I'd like you to keep writing.

Anonymous said...

I feel there is really no hope for people like you. You can't love because you don't love yourself. What your father did to you, you are basically taking it out on your mate and society. You people are disliked and sometime hated. I really feel sorry for your children. How can you really love them? When you are filled with hate and negativity. I have a husband that I am no longer living with. He has made my life s living bell. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but he has the classic bpd symptoms also. I believe that those 2 disorder are linked to each other. I feel that he is evil, hateful, demonic, jealous, and just plain crude. I really don't care for him. I still pray for him because I know he has a problem and every relationship he enters he will self destroy. Wish you well, hope you can keep a job, a meaningful relationship with friends and family and b happy. I doubt its going to happen.

Anonymous said...

The fact that they are oblivious is because they are probably not older enouhh or mature enough to pick up on it. But you can not hide it forever. And when they do see u being and abusive spouse, they will never take your side.

Alana Whiter said...

I have BPD and I completely understand where you are coming from. Because of the negative focus of BPD, I have a lot of trouble dealing with my family and friends. There are so many great resources out there if you are looking for help like http://onlineceucredit.com/social-work-ceus-tdp. This offers great ways to help control your BPD symptoms. Hope this helps.

Lesllie Young said...

I have BPD and also am a mother. I understand how important it is to get my BPD in check because of my children. There are many resources like http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-bpic which offer information on way to help yourself treat your BPD. Hope this is helpful to other BPD patients out there.

Amy said...

I agree with you that it is comforting to know that others are going through the same struggles I am going through. I have borderline as well and it is so stressful to feel that I cannot control myself. But I have received a lot of great advice from http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-tf. The techniques were really helpful for me so I hope that you find them helpful too.

torchwoodfan said...

thanks for the comments i feel so alone some time its hard to explain to people without BPD how hard living is im so tired today but hearing from the three of you makes me feel a little less on my own ive been put on weekly prescriptions since i took an overdose i just wanted a break from life but got a day in a and e boring thankyou for your comments though id forgotten about this blog claire