A new year, same old me.

2011 already. My how quickly time goes by. I am determined to keep posting more frequently, in an effort to provide "therapy" for myself, as well as hopefully help others borderlines. For some reason, my posts from 2009 and 2010 are gone. I am honestly don't remember why I deleted them, but I imagine it was in an alcohol fueled moment. Anyhow, it looks like my nearly 2 1/2 year marriage to Gwen is coming to an end. She kicked me out and changed the locks to the house this past weekend. I knew it was a matter of time and things were pretty bad for the last few months, but I wanted to end it on my terms,but she beat me to it. I realized that even though I knew I would leave, I was using her to avoid having to be responsible and take control of my own situation(finding a place to live,etc).

I saw the therapist who helped me back in 2006 a few times over the last few months and he was pretty helpful. He listened to my account of the marriage and how unhappy I was and basically told me that it sounds like it will not work and that I need to come up with a plan to leave. Of course, the fact that we have a child together now further complicates things. I have such a strong desire to have a "normal" family and once again, I have failed. I know I can "fake it" and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I don't love her like a husband should love a wife. I don't think I fear that she will abandon me any longer, I just don't feel anything. I'm a shell.

For once in my life however, I actually have a desire to change. I want to break this cycle that has ruled me for the past 17 years. My therapist and I agreed that after everything is said and done, I will not date for at least 6 months. This will not be easy, as the longest I have ever been single,has been maybe 6 weeks tops. That is why I will need to continue to see him. I'm also going to look into different medications. I have still been taking 50mg of Lamictal, but that is basically self prescribed. I'm sure it will take a combination of drugs, in addition to the ongoing therapy.

As of right now though, I need to figure out where I am going to live. I have been staying at my work for the past few days, but that is only temporary. I want to see about moving back to my grandmothers,but am afraid to ask, for fear of rejection. I know it must be done though. The road ahead is going to be extremely difficult and I just hope I make it.

The update

I can't believe its been so long since I've updated this. I've received comments from other people with BPD saying how they read it and wish I would write more. I'll try to keep it more updated more frequently. I guess I stopped because I got a few comments along the lines of "kill yourself", "you are an ass", etc. I took these personal and stop posting.

So to recap since my last post, there has been a lot of life changing events. Gwen and I got married in December 2008. Hard to believe,huh? If that is not surprising enough, our son was born in November of 2009. I have been taking 50mg of Lamictal daily for the past year I guess and it's really seemed to help take some of the edginess off me. We go to counseling at the church on a monthly basis and it also helps. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments, especially with a new baby, but they aren't nearly as severe and violent as they were in the past. Suicidal thoughts still pop into my head occasionally, but they don't last more than a few seconds. Just taking things day by day.