A Thank You

It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for the next 18 years of their life (assuming they don't move out before that)."


I read this before I went to bed the other day and I just couldn't get it out of mine. I was furious and took it way too personal. What's interesting is that I feel I am a great parent, just a shitty spouse/boyfriend. When I have my kids or am with the baby, I am able to tone down my bpd for the most part. They are basically oblivious to the fact that their father is a little off.

OK, now that's that out of the way, time to update as to whats been going on. I moved back into the house after a week or so. I really really could not take being away from the baby and financially, I wasn't in a position to be out on my own. We went to see a marriage counselor shortly afterward and I'm not sure how productive it really was. I was brutally honest during the session. I didn't do my normal move of saying what they/she wanted to hear. He pretty much laid the majority of the blame on me, which was expected. I feel that marriage counseling only works if both people actually want to fix their marriage. For me, it was more a matter or appeasing her.

I feel like I'm smothering...in limbo if you will. There are times when I buy into the whole "family" idea and times when I just want to run away. The biggest issue is the baby. I feel like I've missed out on so much with my first two kids. I feel like I'm running out of time to experience a "normal" life.

Up and down

Today was full of ups and downs. It started off down as I failed my math final with a 60. It was all my fault though as I hardly studied for it. It's like I know I need to but when it comes down to it, I don't feel motivated to do so. I've got to get myself together if I want to succeed in school. I need to get my priorities in better order. I need to take care of the things that I can control and let the others things take care of themselves. Anyhow, I did okay on my English final, not as well as I know I could have, but probably ended up with a B on it. After that I went to get my kids which lifted my spirits as it always does. I also got to talk with Her for a few minutes. Nothing about us really, but it was still nice to hear her voice. I'm hoping that once she is done with her finals, she will have some time to really think about what she wants. I've given up on pushing the issue with her, i figure i'll let it take its course. I do miss the hell out of her though. I go to my psych eval tomorrow morning, which I'm looking forward too. I'm really going to push for Prozac and Trileptal, but of course in the end its his call. I don't really feel much like writing tonight, don't really feel like doing much of anything..just want to be normal...and happy.

At peace

Had lunch with her yesterday, exchanged emails throughout the day and things seemed somewhat normal. I don't have my kids this weekend, so I wanted to do something friday night. I asked if she wanted to do something, but she said that since she doesn't know what she wants, that she didn't think it would be a good idea. I'm glad she was honest and didn't say something like she was studying or not feeling well. She ended up going to a club with friends and I ended up going out alone. She called me today to see how I was doing and we chatted for awhile. A few minutes later I called her. I asked if she had come to some conclusion yet and she said she still didn't know. The whole seeing each other/talking and then going back to nothing has really taken its toll on me. I told her to really think about what she wants and then call me when she's decided. As each day passes, I'm starting to accept that she doesn't want me. If she does it would be a shock, but such is life.

I found out some really good news yesterday. My sister rents a 3 bedroom house and her roommate is moving out at the end of this month. As long as her landlord is cool with it, I'm going to be moving out of my grandparents and in with her. I hope it all works out as I really feel getting out of my grandparents will be the best thing for me and my road to recovery.

Today was a strange day overall. I woke up early to take my daughter to her soccer game, then came home and spent most of the day in bed. Slept a little, looked at the ceiling alot. Finally got enough energy to go out and walk for a few miles. Overall it wasn't an up day or a down day, just somewhere in between I guess. Felt numb for the most part. I hate that.

Mad World

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

I made it through all day yesterday and (so far) all day today without calling/texting her. That's not to say I haven't wanted to, but I knew it was for the best. Of course I still hope to hear from her soon, but I know this is a big decision for her, so if she needs time, she needs time. I feel like the longer she takes, the more likely it is that she will choose not to be with me. Maybe I'm wrong...who knows. I can't stress about things that are out of my control. I guess part of me is afraid that she will get used to not talking to me and realize that she can be happy without me. I know one thing for sure though, if she chooses to break up with me, I am not going to jump into a relationship anytime soon. I was thinking about this last night and the longest I have not been in a relationship is a month at most. Always seemed to be floating from one to another, with no real sense of direction or purpose. I am curious and honestly a little scared about tomorrow. 
My weekend with my kids officially ends tomorrow morning, so
 it won't
 be quite as easy for me to 
occupy myself. I am going to try my best to stay out of the bar. I'm 
already 
down, so why do
 something that will cause me to sink even further. 
I have a quiz I should be working on right now, but I just can't seem to
motivate myself to do it. She is constantly running through my mind and I can't stop it even if I tried. I need a vacation. When school gets out for the semester, 
I would love to spend it lying alone
 on a beach somewhere, me and my thoughts....or admitted 
into a hospital.