To catch you up to date real quick, I am still living with Gwen. Some days are good, some not so good, but overall I am happy. I realized something last weekend. I have a serious drinking problem. Ever since I started drinking when I was 20 or so, it has always been all or nothing. By that, I mean, I have never been able to just have a beer or two with a meal or at a party. I drink until I am near passing out. It got to the point where I could have 15-20 beers and be fine. I was going through a 750ml bottle of tequila in a weekend. Early on, it was fun, I had a good time and nothing bad ever came from it. The last few years have been progressively worse. I would find myself drinking alone more then with others. If I was alone, I would usually end up really depressed by the end of the night. If I was with a girl, I would turn into a monster. I reached the breaking point last weekend. I was at the house and had finished a bottle of tequila over a few hours. I then moved to vodka and I don't recall what set me off, but I started to get very angry at gwen. I had already broken her phone in a drunken rage several weeks back and threatened to do the same again. I took a screwdriver and stabbed the phone screen, poked a hole through the bedroom door and ripped up her bed sheets that she had just purchased a month before. I then took my anger out on gwen. I pushed her off the bed and she began to fall to the floor. As she did so, I grabbed her hair and ripped some out in the process. At this point, she told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me and wanted me out of her house and out of her life. This was the first time she had told me anything like that. I had always taken her for granted up until this point. I then felt the lowest I have ever felt. I felt like my father.
The next day after I woke up, bits and pieces of the previous night began to come back to me. After Gwen and I talked for a few hours, I was given one final chance and this time, I knew she meant it. I spent a good part of the day in self reflection and realized that drinking has caused nothing but problems for me. Being borderline poses its own problems for me, but when you throw alcohol in the mix, the problems intensify 1000%. I decided then and there that if I ever was going to get better, taking alcohol out of my life for good was the first step. I asked Gwen if she could find an alcoholics anonymous meeting for me to attend and she found a beginners meeting that is held on Wednesday nights. I went to my first meeting several days ago. I listened to the fellow members and realized that we all had so much in common and I was very encouraged by those who had been sober for years. Alcoholism isn't a sickness that you can cure, but a lifelong struggle. So far I have been sober for 6 days and counting. My name is Me and I'm an alcoholic.
5 comments:
you sound like a fucking twit
I came across your blog and started reading it. Interesting stuff. Look forward to reading more.
Hi there, I am a new reader of your blog. What you wrote in here is almost identical to what I do to my boyfriend :( I am subscribing to your blog, I have one too if you would ever want to see it.
I wish you would post more!!!
Hello there. I'm a 27 year-old male nursing student. I just ended a 4-year relationship with a truly amazing girl because she stopped trusting me and began to think I was going to cheat on her with my female classmates. I hadn't, but our fights in that last month pushed me to the edge. I started hanging out with the girl she was most suspicious of, just drinking and flirting and such, and after about two weeks of not seeing my girlfriend, I told her the truth about my classmate. After that, I spent a month bouncing between the classmate and a girl I've wanted since I was a freshman in high school...and yeah, both these relationships became sexual. I'm writing here because two days ago, in my third week of the Psychiatric portion of my nursing program, I realized that I have BPD. Self-diagnosed. I don't need to see a shrink because everything the textbook said, everything I've dug up on the Internet reaffirmed my belief. And your blog has COMPLETELY confirmed my diagnosis. Now, it wasn't just nine broad symptoms...your experiences, and I mean ALL of them, feel like remixed versions of my own. I spent the last hour and a half or so reading every post and listening to "Siamese Dream" on YouTube (since you posted the lyrics to "Soma" I got nostalgic for the first CD I ever owned.) I'm only two days into this realization and I'm electing not to seek a shrink or use any meds. But now I'm wondering...your last post was made almost a year ago. I know you were blogging less often than you were in 2007, but it's still oft-putting. Are you okay? I'll be following your blog from now on...your posts sometimes give me hope and sometimes take it away (your last post especially), but at this point you're the only one I know right now who knows exactly what I'm going through. Thanks for sharing, brother.
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