2011 Update

Still Married to Gwen and our child is 2 years old now. I have been on 100mg of Lamictal for a year at least? I imagine that has a big role in my BPD episodes being far less frequent. Don't get me wrong, it still is a daily struggle, but it almost seems somewhat manageable. Since my last post, I would say that I have had maybe 1 violent moment, but the rest of the time has been relatively calm. I logged into my blog and noticed 20+ comments that needed to be moderated. Quite a few had a negative tone to them, but for once, I didn't take it super personal. I realized that they truly do not know what it is like to deal with this on a daily basis. It is something that is beyond my control without proper medication and counseling. That does not excuse my behavior, it's just the way I am wired. That being said, there are still issues that I need to work on, but all I can do is tackle them one problem at a time, one day at a time.

A Thank You

It was very nice to see some comments come in after my last post. It's always refreshing to know that I am the only one going through life like this. Of course, as a borderline, I tend to focus on the negative. Specifically, the one from "Anonymous" saying "As a child of a mother who has borderline personality disorder I feel the utmost empathy for what you will be putting your child through for the next 18 years of their life (assuming they don't move out before that)."


I read this before I went to bed the other day and I just couldn't get it out of mine. I was furious and took it way too personal. What's interesting is that I feel I am a great parent, just a shitty spouse/boyfriend. When I have my kids or am with the baby, I am able to tone down my bpd for the most part. They are basically oblivious to the fact that their father is a little off.

OK, now that's that out of the way, time to update as to whats been going on. I moved back into the house after a week or so. I really really could not take being away from the baby and financially, I wasn't in a position to be out on my own. We went to see a marriage counselor shortly afterward and I'm not sure how productive it really was. I was brutally honest during the session. I didn't do my normal move of saying what they/she wanted to hear. He pretty much laid the majority of the blame on me, which was expected. I feel that marriage counseling only works if both people actually want to fix their marriage. For me, it was more a matter or appeasing her.

I feel like I'm smothering...in limbo if you will. There are times when I buy into the whole "family" idea and times when I just want to run away. The biggest issue is the baby. I feel like I've missed out on so much with my first two kids. I feel like I'm running out of time to experience a "normal" life.

A new year, same old me.

2011 already. My how quickly time goes by. I am determined to keep posting more frequently, in an effort to provide "therapy" for myself, as well as hopefully help others borderlines. For some reason, my posts from 2009 and 2010 are gone. I am honestly don't remember why I deleted them, but I imagine it was in an alcohol fueled moment. Anyhow, it looks like my nearly 2 1/2 year marriage to Gwen is coming to an end. She kicked me out and changed the locks to the house this past weekend. I knew it was a matter of time and things were pretty bad for the last few months, but I wanted to end it on my terms,but she beat me to it. I realized that even though I knew I would leave, I was using her to avoid having to be responsible and take control of my own situation(finding a place to live,etc).

I saw the therapist who helped me back in 2006 a few times over the last few months and he was pretty helpful. He listened to my account of the marriage and how unhappy I was and basically told me that it sounds like it will not work and that I need to come up with a plan to leave. Of course, the fact that we have a child together now further complicates things. I have such a strong desire to have a "normal" family and once again, I have failed. I know I can "fake it" and go through the motions, but deep down, I know I don't love her like a husband should love a wife. I don't think I fear that she will abandon me any longer, I just don't feel anything. I'm a shell.

For once in my life however, I actually have a desire to change. I want to break this cycle that has ruled me for the past 17 years. My therapist and I agreed that after everything is said and done, I will not date for at least 6 months. This will not be easy, as the longest I have ever been single,has been maybe 6 weeks tops. That is why I will need to continue to see him. I'm also going to look into different medications. I have still been taking 50mg of Lamictal, but that is basically self prescribed. I'm sure it will take a combination of drugs, in addition to the ongoing therapy.

As of right now though, I need to figure out where I am going to live. I have been staying at my work for the past few days, but that is only temporary. I want to see about moving back to my grandmothers,but am afraid to ask, for fear of rejection. I know it must be done though. The road ahead is going to be extremely difficult and I just hope I make it.