The reminiscing

I was going over some of my old posts and reminiscing, if you will. I realized that it's been about four months now since I last spoke to my father. In this time I have heard not a word from him. No attempt to contact me, nothing. I didn't expect him too try and honestly even if he did I know I would ignore it, but still. It really shows what kind of a person he is. I'm just glad that he didn't answer the door when I came over that drunk night. Who knows what would have happened.

I read through posts about "her" and I realized how much I miss her. The past is the past, I know I need to move on, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Her parents live a few blocks away from me and occasionally I have to drive past their house on the way home. I drove by recently and saw her husbands truck there and I felt like throwing up. I don't really see her car there anymore, so I can only assume she moved back in with him. Oh well, I kind of knew deep down that it would end up that way. I have dated 3 women that were married when I met them and all 3 ended up going back home. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson the first time. I guess that should be my new rule..no more married women or women in relationships.

The sex

I realized something today that I guess I never really thought of before. I realized that when it comes to sex, I'm much more interested in convincing the girl to sleep with me, then I am in the act itself. It's like I seduce a woman and it's great. Then say we start dating and it's a month down the road, I start to lose interest. Not in the girl necessarily, but in having sex with her. Is this normal? This is how it has always been with me, so it makes me wonder. I think it has to do with the whole idealization and devaluation concept that is so common in borderlines. The woman is way up there because she is not giving in to going to bed with me. Once that happens, down she goes..she is trash in my eyes. Nothing to be proud of, just reality.

The sleep

I slept a full 7.5 hours last night. Unless I was passed out drunk, I haven't slept this long in months. As obvious as it may sound, I think the key to this was keeping myself busy throughout the day so I wouldn't take naps out of boredom. Also, instead of being up on the computer right up to bedtime, I shut it off earlier and read for a good 20 minutes. Hopefully it will repeat itself tonight. I had to go into work after I dropped the kids off this morning, got out around noon, worked out and went by our other clinic to help move some things. By the time I was done, it was time to get the kids and go to my uncles for our Monday night get together. I'm rambling, but basically it comes down to keeping myself busy, having some sort of structure and not just laying in bed bored with my thoughts. That is a bad combination.

Relationship wise, I'm talking to a few girls, but so far none of them really grab my attention. They are all sweet,nice, girls in their own way, but I just don't feel the spark I guess. Maybe it's too soon anyhow. Of course, the hardest part is telling them that.I hate confrontation, thats why I usually just blow them off until they get the hint.Then again, I'm probably giving myself too much credit and maybe they are thinking of ways to tell me that they are not interested.

Speaking of confrontation, Sybil and I have been split for a month or so now I guess, but at work, they all think the wedding is still on and everything is great. I'm sure if I wasn't quitting in a few weeks, I would eventually tell them, but since I am, I just don't want to deal with all that.

Just another lie I live.

The Goodfella

It's been a pretty rough week, for no real reason. I have been feeling down, I am always tired and I spend a good amount of my free time lying in bed looking up at the ceiling in a daze. If I can get 6 hours of sleep a night, its a great thing. Since I'm always tired, I end up taking naps throughout the day. I think alot of it has to do with boredom. I think back to maybe 2 years ago. I felt so alive and full of life. Now I am just an empty shell of my former self. I mentioned boredom and I think this is a big part of it. A few years back, hell even last year, I was working full time so I always had something to do. Since I have been working only part time since January, I have way too much time on my hands. The good news is that all this will change shortly. The spinal cord facility is opening up on October 1st. I'm hoping that it all works out well as I feel its a great opportunity. Hopefully I will be able to get out on my own soon. That is another cause of my sadness I believe. As much as I appreciate my grandparents letting me stay with them for free, its really really starting to get to me. I've come home late or been out all night even. It's as if I'm daring them to say something to me so I have an excuse to leave. Not that I have anywhere to go of course.

I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, the gangster classic "Goodfellas". In the final scene, Henry says some words that really stuck with me.

And now it's all over.

That's the hardest part.

Today everything is different.

There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else.

Can't even get decent food.

After I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce...

...and I got egg noodles with ketchup.

I'm an average nobody.

I get to live the rest of
my life like a schnook."


I realized that this summed up my life.

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying a nobody.

The reflection

"There is no such thing as the perfect person." This simple piece of advice was given to me by my therapist last year and has stuck with me. The problem is, the disconnect between understanding this and actually applying it. You know what I want in a woman? The biggest thing I want is attractiveness. I could really care less what she does for a living, if she's smart, etc, I just want her to be smoking hot. I try to tell myself that other qualities are important, that nobody is perfect,etc, but I still catch myself falling into the physical beauty trap. Aside from my marriage, the longest relationship I was ever in was a little over two years. Looking back, I think that the number one reason it lasted so long was because she was gorgeous. Even after a few years together , I was still just as attracted to her as I was when I first saw her. I would look at her and think, what the hell is she she doing with me? I remember going to a bar or even the store and see guys checking her out and I liked it. It was the ultimate ego trip. I think alot of this stemmed from the fact that I was a late bloomer. I didn't even have my first date until the end of my senior year in high school. n my late teens, I started noticing that women were frequently looking at me/hitting on me. This is where things started going wrong. My ego and self confidence began to grow after each girl I slept with and or dated. Over time, if a not so attractive girl would hit on me, I would think to myself, "is she serious? Does she really think she has a chance with me?" Gone was the shy, innocent boy and in its place was a monster. It was as if I had something to prove as if I was trying to make up for lost time. I was and still am out of control. I don't see people as having feelings of their own. Its as if there are disposable. Nameless,faceless objects, here for my amusement.

Of course, I realize that this is wrong. I wish I could wear a sign or something, saying "danger! stay away!" But then I catch myself falling into the same trap and the cycle repeats itself.

I'm not sure if this post really has a point, other to give you insight into my world.

The journey

I found two things out last night. I found out that it was too soon for me to be dating anyone and I found out that I still have a long road to recovery. It all started awhile back when a girl i used to date got in touch with me again. We talked on the phone awhile and caught up on each others life. We agreed to get together Friday night. The plan was to get a few drinks and then go bowling. I went by her house to pick her up and as she was getting ready I reminded her to bring socks for bowling. I don't recall what she said exactly but basically she wanted to do something else instead. Just like that, I could feel borderline kicking in. I tried my best to control it. I went in the other room and sat down quietly. I tried telling myself that it was no big deal and to let it go, but I just couldn't do it. She asked if I had thought of anything to do and I abruptly said "no". She then said something along the lines of "are you just gonna sit their and pout?" Borderline kicked into high gear and I got up, said nevermind,walked out the door and went home. I knew I was wrong, I tried telling myself to go back and apologize but it's like my brain just wouldn't let me. That has to be one of the most frustrating parts about all this.

Anyhow, I picked my kids up this morning and had a good day with them. The one down part was when my grandmother randomly asked me "what ever happened to that pretty girl who you took to church that time?" She was referring to Her. I told her that she was back with her husband and left it at that. One thing I hate is being reminded of things from my past. Speaking of Her, I came across this poem she wrote and I can only assume it was written about me. Very well written but cut like a knife through the heart.

"Keep your hands to yourself, your senseless

I dreamt of you, disgusted, relentless

Sick almost as if I couldn't breath

I'm done with you, you make me heave

I'm not riddled with guilt

You are riddled in filth

You a dirty excuse for something

Too bad, to me you now mean nothing

I laugh, you said your done with me

No longer blinded I can see

Keep your words and I'll eat mine

Not worth it at all, not worth another line."