To catch you up to date real quick, I am still living with Gwen. Some days are good, some not so good, but overall I am happy. I realized something last weekend. I have a serious drinking problem. Ever since I started drinking when I was 20 or so, it has always been all or nothing. By that, I mean, I have never been able to just have a beer or two with a meal or at a party. I drink until I am near passing out. It got to the point where I could have 15-20 beers and be fine. I was going through a 750ml bottle of tequila in a weekend. Early on, it was fun, I had a good time and nothing bad ever came from it. The last few years have been progressively worse. I would find myself drinking alone more then with others. If I was alone, I would usually end up really depressed by the end of the night. If I was with a girl, I would turn into a monster. I reached the breaking point last weekend. I was at the house and had finished a bottle of tequila over a few hours. I then moved to vodka and I don't recall what set me off, but I started to get very angry at gwen. I had already broken her phone in a drunken rage several weeks back and threatened to do the same again. I took a screwdriver and stabbed the phone screen, poked a hole through the bedroom door and ripped up her bed sheets that she had just purchased a month before. I then took my anger out on gwen. I pushed her off the bed and she began to fall to the floor. As she did so, I grabbed her hair and ripped some out in the process. At this point, she told me that she wanted nothing more to do with me and wanted me out of her house and out of her life. This was the first time she had told me anything like that. I had always taken her for granted up until this point. I then felt the lowest I have ever felt. I felt like my father.
The next day after I woke up, bits and pieces of the previous night began to come back to me. After Gwen and I talked for a few hours, I was given one final chance and this time, I knew she meant it. I spent a good part of the day in self reflection and realized that drinking has caused nothing but problems for me. Being borderline poses its own problems for me, but when you throw alcohol in the mix, the problems intensify 1000%. I decided then and there that if I ever was going to get better, taking alcohol out of my life for good was the first step. I asked Gwen if she could find an alcoholics anonymous meeting for me to attend and she found a beginners meeting that is held on Wednesday nights. I went to my first meeting several days ago. I listened to the fellow members and realized that we all had so much in common and I was very encouraged by those who had been sober for years. Alcoholism isn't a sickness that you can cure, but a lifelong struggle. So far I have been sober for 6 days and counting. My name is Me and I'm an alcoholic.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The revelation
My, how so many things have changed since my last post. I am here typing this from the house I've been living at for the past month. Gwen's house. Kind of a shocker,huh? Let me try to backtrack a bit. In mid August, I felt like I was finally financially able to afford to move out of Grandma's and into my own place. During this time, Gwen and I had been casually chatting on an almost daily basis. One day she offered me a room in her house until I could find an apartment. No strings, no expectations on either one of our parts. I thought about it awhile and decided to accept her invitation. I moved in around the third week of August.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
The first few days were pretty non-eventful. She gave me my space and it was like a "normal" roommate situation. Later that week, one thing led to another(probably alcohol initially) and we slept together and continued to do so. Around the middle of the 2nd week or so, I began a period of intense self reflection. I realized that our relationship up to this point had been completely one sided. It was all about what I wanted or felt I deserved. In the times that we were a "couple" I had never once given her an honest chance. It was always along the lines of "I'm just passing time until I meet someone better."
One day, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she happily accepted. For once, I was finally going to give her a fair shot and put 100% commitment,love and effort into it. I neglected to let HER know my intentions,however. Maybe 2 or 3 days into the "relationship" I noticed she got a text from someone with only a question mark for the message. I asked her about it and she said, it must have been a wrong number. I said ok, but was immediately suspicious. The possibilities of who the text was from and what it meant consumed me. I just could not let it go. I ended up taking the phone and text the number back, posing as her. I determined that it was someone who in fact knew her and someone who she had some sort of cyber relationship with. Of course I called her out on it and she denied it. I knew she was lying and told her that I was leaving and began to pack my things. She finally admitted that she had sent a text to this guy just saying "hey" and he didn't recognize the number so he responded with just the question mark. I was furious, but felt more hurt than anything. I felt hurt because I thought for once I was being totally faithful, hadn't talked or pursued any girls whatsoever and she was still being shady. Instead of turning violent, I calmly sat down and poured my heart out to her. I told her what I mentioned earlier, about never giving her an honest chance and how this time I was doing so. She was stunned. She admitted that she didn't know and that she assumed I would do what I always do. Stay for awhile and then disappear. We talked for hours and got everything out in the open. We went through our phones and deleted numbers of old flames or current "standbys". I even brought up the whole "wake up call" incident. I told her that I had always made myself out to be the victim in the situation, but when in reality, I was no better. The night before I walked in on her, I had been at another girls house. It was like I had blocked that part out of my mind and began to believe my own lie. When I finally realized that, it was such a relief. Sure it still hurt because I saw it, but for once I felt like I could move past that.
The last few weeks have had their share of ups and down, but for the most part, it has been very positive and I am optimistic. It is such a strange feeling for me to be in a relationship and to actually FEEL like I am in a relationship.
For once in my life, I no longer feel like borderline personality disorder controls me. Ultimately, I am responsible for my actions and choose my path in life. The future is looking mighty bright.
Friday, July 4, 2008
The mexican and the mexican't
So when I last left you, I promised to tell you the story of the girl I met. Well that didn't last too long, so I'll paraphrase. I met a girl from mexico. She was pretty,smart,never married no kids. She was also here on a tourist visa and had to leave in May. Now I have a problem having a relationship in the same city,much less different countries. For the first few weeks after she went back, I actually really missed her. It was an odd feeling for me. Then over time, I started wondering about "what else was out there" and eventually I told her things just weren't going to work out. I had already cheated on her at this point, with Gwen of all people. The difference was that I actually felt bad about it. She genuinely loved me and meant no harm, but I knew I couldn't deal with the separation.
Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.
Speaking of Gwen...I'll get right to the point. Turns out she got pregnant, sometime in march or april. I knew she had missed a period or two and one day i randomly sent her an IM asking her if in fact she was. She said yes and showed me the tests as proof. I was floored. I didn't know how to feel. I found this out maybe in late May,early July. Then on fathers day, I got the call that she had miscarried. I was really upset about this, but tried to come across nonchalant. Deep down though, I was devastated. Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks later. I was in California for a conference and I sent her a drunk text.I told her much I loved her, wanted to be with her, marry her, all that stuff. Anyhow, I come back into town, we hang out a bit and of course after awhile it hit me. I was reminded of that night back in December..the wake up call. It's a fucking shame because she was my best friend and I miss that. I started to become a little distant and avoided things. After awhile I think she started to realize things weren't cool, so we had a chat and I told her I still wanted to be friends, but she just couldn't do that, so that was the end of that. Again.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Hey there
Just figured I would check in. I'm still alive and haven't gone off the deep end,lol. My last post was in January and all in all, things have been ok. I ended the relationship with Gwen for good a long time ago. We still talk from time to time, but its strictly as friends. I noticed I received quite a few comments from my "wake up call" post, mostly negative, but it's cool, its just others opinions and they are entitled to them.
My grandfather is in the nursing home still and I'm sure will be there until it is his time. We had a close call about a month or 2 ago and basically everybody went and said their goodbyes, but he pulled through. I do worry about my grandmother though and how she will deal with the inevitable. I have a feeling she still thinks he will miraculously get 100% and return home, but I'm afraid its just not gonna happen. I need to go visit him more, but its really hard for me to see him in the state he is in. Maybe I'm in denial of my own. Anyhow, I'm still living at their house and overall its not too bad. I still plan on getting my own place sometime this summer though.
Relationship wise...I took 2 months off from dating after the gwen thing ended and it felt great. That was the longest I have gone without being in a relationship in as long as i can remember. I admit, it wasn't always easy, but it was necessary.Then sometime in March, I met a girl. I'll write more on that tomorrow...
My grandfather is in the nursing home still and I'm sure will be there until it is his time. We had a close call about a month or 2 ago and basically everybody went and said their goodbyes, but he pulled through. I do worry about my grandmother though and how she will deal with the inevitable. I have a feeling she still thinks he will miraculously get 100% and return home, but I'm afraid its just not gonna happen. I need to go visit him more, but its really hard for me to see him in the state he is in. Maybe I'm in denial of my own. Anyhow, I'm still living at their house and overall its not too bad. I still plan on getting my own place sometime this summer though.
Relationship wise...I took 2 months off from dating after the gwen thing ended and it felt great. That was the longest I have gone without being in a relationship in as long as i can remember. I admit, it wasn't always easy, but it was necessary.Then sometime in March, I met a girl. I'll write more on that tomorrow...
Monday, January 7, 2008
The Wake Up Call
Alright, so maybe I didn't follow through on my plan to post more frequently. Today I'll try to recap what has been going on in the past month.
I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely cool and fun to hang out with. It was like having a girlfriend without the commitment part. I thought to myself, what an ideal situation. Over time, I noticed that I began to have feelings for her as possibly something more than friends. I had an idea that she felt this way also, but neither one of us said anything. Around sometime in October, I had a crazy idea of wanting a threesome with Gwen and another girl. I brought this up to her and she was down with it. I told her that this was what I wanted for my birthday, so she went looking for a girl for us.
A few weeks later I met and briefly dated a woman named "Jan". I knew from the get go that things wouldn't be long term with Jan. She was 39 years old for starters(no offense to those pushing 40) so I figured it would just be something to do to pass the time. Jan fell for me hard and fast. I knew I could ask her to do just about anything and she would say yes. One night, I went to a friends housewarming party and after way too many drinks, I made a call to Jan and asked her if she wanted to have a threesome. She said yes, so I called up Gwen and we set it up for that night.
We all got together, did what we did and then that was it...so I thought. This event would later turn into one of the biggest mistakes ever. As I mentioned earlier, I had a feeling that Gwen was interested in me as more than a friend and it turns out I was right. Seeing me with Jan really pissed her off inside, but she made it seem like no big deal, so I thought everything was cool. Of course I eventually got bored with Jan and broke it off shortly after.
As I mentioned earlier, Gwen had been looking for a girl for us and she had found one. She gave me her myspace to check out and the girl and I exchanged messages for awhile. One thing led to another and the next thing I know, this girl was taking me out on a date. She was a young, gorgeous,successful and smart girl in the military. If you read my last post, this girl may sound familiar. After a few dates, we decided that Gwen should know about us. As usual, Gwen played it off cool. Gwen is alot like me. I'm not sure if she is borderline or anything, but she does have really good manipulation skills and after a few weeks she began to slowly put ideas in my head. Ideas that the military girl was going to be moving away, so the odds of things working out would be slim. Of course I already knew this in my head, but she just reinforced it.
I don't remember who brought it up first but basically Gwen and I admitted to each other that we had feelings and wanted to be together as more than friends. I ended things with the military girl and in mid December, Gwen and I officially became an item.
Fast forward to December 15th. This is a day that I will never forget as long as I live. Gwen and I had been a couple for 2 days. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied. I'm guessing the kid realized the crazy look in my eye because he yelled "I'm so sorry sir". It was kind of funny actually. Even though I am anonymous on my blog, I'm going to leave out what happened immediately after this as I really don't feel like getting arrested.
I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I titled this post "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.
More than anything, I wanted to know why she did this to me. Just a few days earlier she had admitted how she wanted to be with me for months but didn't tell me. Then 2 days into the relationship she does this. She told me that she hadn't planned on it, but after 6 shots of tequila, she began to replay the night with Jan in her head and she got really pissed and wanted to get back at me. Is that just an excuse? Only she knows, but I guess you could say she did get her revenge. I mean she knew I was coming over and the door was unlocked so if she was trying to be sneaky then she was going about it all wrong. I don't know what to think, but I really believe she is remorseful and wouldn't do it again. So yes, I am still talking to her...should I? I have no idea. I'm sure people get second chances all the time when this happens, I guess it just normally doesnt happen after a few days together. I've talked to a few friends about it. Some have said, leave her, you can do alot better. I even talked to Sybil about it and she reminded me of the second chances she gave me. I really want to believe her and have things work, but I'm afraid of what I will do to her if she ever does that again.
Any input would be appreciated, but for now I'm just taking one day at a time.
I guess I need to preface this post by explaining something. Last summer, I met a girl, whom I'll refer to as Gwen. She quickly became one of my closest friends, but it wasn't your typical friendship. She was a "friend with benefits" but also extremely cool and fun to hang out with. It was like having a girlfriend without the commitment part. I thought to myself, what an ideal situation. Over time, I noticed that I began to have feelings for her as possibly something more than friends. I had an idea that she felt this way also, but neither one of us said anything. Around sometime in October, I had a crazy idea of wanting a threesome with Gwen and another girl. I brought this up to her and she was down with it. I told her that this was what I wanted for my birthday, so she went looking for a girl for us.
A few weeks later I met and briefly dated a woman named "Jan". I knew from the get go that things wouldn't be long term with Jan. She was 39 years old for starters(no offense to those pushing 40) so I figured it would just be something to do to pass the time. Jan fell for me hard and fast. I knew I could ask her to do just about anything and she would say yes. One night, I went to a friends housewarming party and after way too many drinks, I made a call to Jan and asked her if she wanted to have a threesome. She said yes, so I called up Gwen and we set it up for that night.
We all got together, did what we did and then that was it...so I thought. This event would later turn into one of the biggest mistakes ever. As I mentioned earlier, I had a feeling that Gwen was interested in me as more than a friend and it turns out I was right. Seeing me with Jan really pissed her off inside, but she made it seem like no big deal, so I thought everything was cool. Of course I eventually got bored with Jan and broke it off shortly after.
As I mentioned earlier, Gwen had been looking for a girl for us and she had found one. She gave me her myspace to check out and the girl and I exchanged messages for awhile. One thing led to another and the next thing I know, this girl was taking me out on a date. She was a young, gorgeous,successful and smart girl in the military. If you read my last post, this girl may sound familiar. After a few dates, we decided that Gwen should know about us. As usual, Gwen played it off cool. Gwen is alot like me. I'm not sure if she is borderline or anything, but she does have really good manipulation skills and after a few weeks she began to slowly put ideas in my head. Ideas that the military girl was going to be moving away, so the odds of things working out would be slim. Of course I already knew this in my head, but she just reinforced it.
I don't remember who brought it up first but basically Gwen and I admitted to each other that we had feelings and wanted to be together as more than friends. I ended things with the military girl and in mid December, Gwen and I officially became an item.
Fast forward to December 15th. This is a day that I will never forget as long as I live. Gwen and I had been a couple for 2 days. I had previously told a friend of mine that I would go to her birthday get together for a little while that night, so Gwen made plans to go out with a guy friend of hers to a club while I was out. The guy was an awkward 21 year old kid, so I thought nothing of it. Around midnight, I'm leaving my friends party and text Gwen that I'm heading over and she replied cool and that the door will be unlocked. She also mentioned how the kid was pretty drunk so he was going to stay in one of her extra bedrooms for the night. I get to her house and go inside. I make the way up the stairs and I hear a noise...its the unmistakable sound of Gwen moaning. I'm thinking, man, she was starting without me. I get up the stairs and I realize she is not getting off alone. The kid was on top of her and they are going at it. To say I was in shock would be an understatement. I didn't say anything, I just turned around and walked down the stairs. She realizes I'm there and immediately gets up to go after me, screaming at me to wait and yelling at the kid to get the fuck out. I get in my car and race off. I got a mile away when I got extremely pissed, yet I was calm. I turn the car around and headed back to her house. I grabbed my knife and went back inside. She was telling me how she was really really drunk, which she was. The kid was getting his stuff together and was telling me how she started things, which she flatly denied. I'm guessing the kid realized the crazy look in my eye because he yelled "I'm so sorry sir". It was kind of funny actually. Even though I am anonymous on my blog, I'm going to leave out what happened immediately after this as I really don't feel like getting arrested.
I left her house, went home and tell myself that I'm done with her. I titled this post "wake up call" for two reasons. The first is that if you listen to the words to the song "wake up call" by Maroon 5, it reminds me alot of that night. Also, it WAS a wake up call for me. I have always been the one who has cheated, but never the one who was cheated on, at least the best to my knowledge. Getting betrayed and lied to was a horrible feeling and I felt a ton of guilt for doing the same to countless women in the past.
More than anything, I wanted to know why she did this to me. Just a few days earlier she had admitted how she wanted to be with me for months but didn't tell me. Then 2 days into the relationship she does this. She told me that she hadn't planned on it, but after 6 shots of tequila, she began to replay the night with Jan in her head and she got really pissed and wanted to get back at me. Is that just an excuse? Only she knows, but I guess you could say she did get her revenge. I mean she knew I was coming over and the door was unlocked so if she was trying to be sneaky then she was going about it all wrong. I don't know what to think, but I really believe she is remorseful and wouldn't do it again. So yes, I am still talking to her...should I? I have no idea. I'm sure people get second chances all the time when this happens, I guess it just normally doesnt happen after a few days together. I've talked to a few friends about it. Some have said, leave her, you can do alot better. I even talked to Sybil about it and she reminded me of the second chances she gave me. I really want to believe her and have things work, but I'm afraid of what I will do to her if she ever does that again.
Any input would be appreciated, but for now I'm just taking one day at a time.
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