Here is a copy of the letter I wrote my father and emailed to him yesterday. I felt strange as I was writing it, almost light headed, but by the time I was done I felt peaceful. I haven't heard back from him or from anyone in the family yet, but I'm sure he's read it by now. Without further ado:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I am cutting off all ties to you. You have
failed me as a father for as long as I can remember. I am convinced that one of the biggest
reasons I am suffering from mental illness is due to the effect you had on me. When I say
suffer, I mean I literally suffer, you have no idea. Your actions never cease to amaze me. I
don't understand how someone can be so selfish and inconsiderate their whole life. You are
going to die a lonely old man. You can only burn so many bridges before there are none left.
Do you remember when i was around 6 years old and you made me touch you? How about when I was
10 and you would shower with me? There is not a fucking day that goes by that I don't think
about that. You really need psychiatric help. Here is my theory on why you are so fucked up.
You realized you were gay or a cross dresser when you were young. Because you didn't want to
dissapoint grandma, you got married and have basically spent your whole life living a lie to
appease her. This must have frustrated you, so you took it out on your family. Now before you
start saying I'm not gay or whatever, don't waste your breathe, I'm not stupid, I've seen the
physical evidence. You are only kidding yourself.
I have never forgotten the time when I was getting divorced and needed somewhere to
stay. I asked you and instead of saying "of course" like most parents would, you suggested I
stay at my uncles. Of course I knew the reason behind this, you were selfish and didn't want me
to be a cock blocker, for lack of a better term. You also put way too much importance on
money and material possesions. You do know that when you die they don't go with you right?
You always bitch about not having money or make sure I pay you back, yet you have a whole
house full of crap. Here I am barely getting by and you make it a point of letting me know
that you expect me to pay you back for the books you bought for me. I honestly had no
intention of paying your sorry ass back. I figure its the least you could do. A parent should
be willing to help out their children and be there for them no matter what. You have taught
me how to be a good father by showing me how a bad father should act. I cannot ever imagine
treating my kids the way you have treated me. It just blows my mind. You wonder why my
sister doesn't have much contact with you? Its probably because she realized a long time ago how worthless you are.
As far as I'm concerned you have lost a son and two grandchildren, so enjoy your life
of selfishness. I'm writing you this letter instead of telling you in person for your own
safety. There is no doubt in my mind that if I was face to face with you I would destroy you.
and frankly, you aren't worth going to jail for.
Don't bother calling, writing or trying to get in contact with me. I'm washing my hands of
you. I hope you look back on your life and think of all that you wasted and all of the people
you have fucked over and I hope it makes you feel like shit.
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
causes of borderline personality disorder
"emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death"
Been over a month since my last post and what an interesting month it's been. Down times have been so much more frequent than up times. I ran out of my meds about two weeks ago, but I'm not convinced that is related. Most of my issues have dealt with my living situation and my love life. Lemme explain...
Living Situation
Last year i decide to quit my nearly 10 year career in the computer field (coincidentally the same day of my suicide attempt) . I enrolled in school and picked up a very part time job in the field in which I'm studying. I went from making $45k a year to $550 a month. Obviously I could not afford to live with my own, so I had to move in with my grandparents and uncle. Don't get me wrong, living rent free is great and since they go to bed by 7pm, the house is quiet to study in, but there are other issues. I live in a 12x10 room and it gets even smaller when I have my 2 kids over for the weekend. Thats not what I'm used to, but it's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is the fact that I feel like I'm a teenager again. Sure they don't tell me I can't stay out till hours of the night, but I always come home at a reasonable hour out of respect. This causes me to have periods of incredible frustration, anger and depression. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. This has led to an increase in alcohol consumption. Last week I drank 5 days in a row, which often made matters worth. At this point I have no other choice other than quit school and go back to work full time, but thats just not going to happen. Living here has obviously affected my love life.
Love(less) Life
BPD has affected my love life more than anything. Quite often, I'm at the grocery store for example and I notice a seemingly happy couple. I feel jealous and angry at the sight of this. Why can't I just be normal like them? Why can't I just be happy and not flip a switch when they say or do something I don't agree with or that's critical? Why can't I trust? If she tells me she is going out with sister to dinner, why can't I just accept and believe that? Instead I play out this scenario in my head that she is really meeting up with a guy for a late night rendezvous. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I think of things I have done in the past, of cheating and lying and figure if I did that, she must have been doing that as well? Another reason I think is due to the fact that I was sexually molested by my father as a child. I must have been 5 or 6. I can vividly remember him calling me into the living room and him lying naked on the floor telling me to play with him. I can remember the time when my parents separated for a year when I was 10. He would have me shower with him. No touching or anything and for some reason, at the time, I didn't think anything was weird about it. There is not a single day that has gone by in the last 15 years that I have not thought about this. Not one day. I think about this and I think about how my life might have been different if these events would have never taken place. If they didn't, maybe I would have turned out "normal".
Been over a month since my last post and what an interesting month it's been. Down times have been so much more frequent than up times. I ran out of my meds about two weeks ago, but I'm not convinced that is related. Most of my issues have dealt with my living situation and my love life. Lemme explain...
Living Situation
Last year i decide to quit my nearly 10 year career in the computer field (coincidentally the same day of my suicide attempt) . I enrolled in school and picked up a very part time job in the field in which I'm studying. I went from making $45k a year to $550 a month. Obviously I could not afford to live with my own, so I had to move in with my grandparents and uncle. Don't get me wrong, living rent free is great and since they go to bed by 7pm, the house is quiet to study in, but there are other issues. I live in a 12x10 room and it gets even smaller when I have my 2 kids over for the weekend. Thats not what I'm used to, but it's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is the fact that I feel like I'm a teenager again. Sure they don't tell me I can't stay out till hours of the night, but I always come home at a reasonable hour out of respect. This causes me to have periods of incredible frustration, anger and depression. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. This has led to an increase in alcohol consumption. Last week I drank 5 days in a row, which often made matters worth. At this point I have no other choice other than quit school and go back to work full time, but thats just not going to happen. Living here has obviously affected my love life.
Love(less) Life
BPD has affected my love life more than anything. Quite often, I'm at the grocery store for example and I notice a seemingly happy couple. I feel jealous and angry at the sight of this. Why can't I just be normal like them? Why can't I just be happy and not flip a switch when they say or do something I don't agree with or that's critical? Why can't I trust? If she tells me she is going out with sister to dinner, why can't I just accept and believe that? Instead I play out this scenario in my head that she is really meeting up with a guy for a late night rendezvous. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I think of things I have done in the past, of cheating and lying and figure if I did that, she must have been doing that as well? Another reason I think is due to the fact that I was sexually molested by my father as a child. I must have been 5 or 6. I can vividly remember him calling me into the living room and him lying naked on the floor telling me to play with him. I can remember the time when my parents separated for a year when I was 10. He would have me shower with him. No touching or anything and for some reason, at the time, I didn't think anything was weird about it. There is not a single day that has gone by in the last 15 years that I have not thought about this. Not one day. I think about this and I think about how my life might have been different if these events would have never taken place. If they didn't, maybe I would have turned out "normal".
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