Here is a copy of the letter I wrote my father and emailed to him yesterday. I felt strange as I was writing it, almost light headed, but by the time I was done I felt peaceful. I haven't heard back from him or from anyone in the family yet, but I'm sure he's read it by now. Without further ado:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I am cutting off all ties to you. You have
failed me as a father for as long as I can remember. I am convinced that one of the biggest
reasons I am suffering from mental illness is due to the effect you had on me. When I say
suffer, I mean I literally suffer, you have no idea. Your actions never cease to amaze me. I
don't understand how someone can be so selfish and inconsiderate their whole life. You are
going to die a lonely old man. You can only burn so many bridges before there are none left.
Do you remember when i was around 6 years old and you made me touch you? How about when I was
10 and you would shower with me? There is not a fucking day that goes by that I don't think
about that. You really need psychiatric help. Here is my theory on why you are so fucked up.
You realized you were gay or a cross dresser when you were young. Because you didn't want to
dissapoint grandma, you got married and have basically spent your whole life living a lie to
appease her. This must have frustrated you, so you took it out on your family. Now before you
start saying I'm not gay or whatever, don't waste your breathe, I'm not stupid, I've seen the
physical evidence. You are only kidding yourself.
I have never forgotten the time when I was getting divorced and needed somewhere to
stay. I asked you and instead of saying "of course" like most parents would, you suggested I
stay at my uncles. Of course I knew the reason behind this, you were selfish and didn't want me
to be a cock blocker, for lack of a better term. You also put way too much importance on
money and material possesions. You do know that when you die they don't go with you right?
You always bitch about not having money or make sure I pay you back, yet you have a whole
house full of crap. Here I am barely getting by and you make it a point of letting me know
that you expect me to pay you back for the books you bought for me. I honestly had no
intention of paying your sorry ass back. I figure its the least you could do. A parent should
be willing to help out their children and be there for them no matter what. You have taught
me how to be a good father by showing me how a bad father should act. I cannot ever imagine
treating my kids the way you have treated me. It just blows my mind. You wonder why my
sister doesn't have much contact with you? Its probably because she realized a long time ago how worthless you are.
As far as I'm concerned you have lost a son and two grandchildren, so enjoy your life
of selfishness. I'm writing you this letter instead of telling you in person for your own
safety. There is no doubt in my mind that if I was face to face with you I would destroy you.
and frankly, you aren't worth going to jail for.
Don't bother calling, writing or trying to get in contact with me. I'm washing my hands of
you. I hope you look back on your life and think of all that you wasted and all of the people
you have fucked over and I hope it makes you feel like shit.
6 comments:
Oh my! That is a really good letter. the one you write to let some steam out. I feel your hate toward your father in every line. I feel that you are also avoiding something important: YOU. In your letter there 's accusation, there's probably facts. But I don't feel how you feel. I don't feel how all of your father's action have affected you. I feel "the point finger at" and the "blaming game". But I don't feel any emotion from you except HATE! I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just trying to be a good friend. And a good friend is honest and want only the best for their freind. Try to re-write this letter and put you inside of it. I know it is hard. But face your deepest emotions. the ones hidding under the hate. I'm right beside you. I'm holding your hand. You are not alone naymore. You don't need to be afraid. I believe in you. HUGS and KISSES
Most people would say this letter represents the result of a good exercise in "letting off steam" or some sort of catharsis, but should not be sent. I wholly disagree. I think it takes courage not to be able to write something like this, something that obviously reflects your feelings for some time now, but to send it. It takes balls to actually act, and writing a letter expressing how you truly feel and not sending it is not acting; it's like emotional masturbation. I commend you for breaking out of fear and convention and expresses how you really felt. Hang in there.
Nadesca
Interesting point you bring up. You are right, hate is the number one emotion I feel when thinking of my father. I'm sure he is not totally to blame, mental illness does run on both sides of my family after all. I'm not sure what my deepest emotions are to be honest. I always have felt like a scared kid around him even after I had long grown up. For years I tried to take the high road and basically ignore his actions, but I just couldn't do it any longer. I do realize that in the end, I am the one who controls my own actions, I just felt I had to do this in order to really start the healing process. He is like a cancer and I had to get rid of it.
heraclitus
Emotional masturbation...that is awesome and my new favorite phrase,lol. I have to admit, I really thought about not sending it. I had it saved for a good hour wrestling with the decision, but I just knew that it had to be done. I have supressed my feelings towards him for so many years and by not sending it, the pattern would repeat.
Thank you both for your support btw, makes me feel like I'm not alone anymore.
Sending that letter was very courageous of you! I have a few letters that I would love to write and send myself, but I have to set aside emotion to do it. You did very good for yourself, but I do agree with Nadcesca...it should be about YOU! Remember that! YOU are the most important part of this matter...take care of YOU! Let YOU be heard! Although I was VERY unfocused in church yesterday, I did learn this..If you don't forgive, it ties you to their sins against you. In other words, you were correct by informing him of HIS SIN/WRONG DOING but have you forgiven him. If you don't, you will be bound to him. Let go...and forgive him...FOR YOU & YOUR HEALTH! Let him be the one to pay for his sins...NOT YOU! I know it's easier said than done. I'm still working on mine's, but I know that I will get there. AND SO WILL YOU!
Amber,
The forgiveness part is one of the biggest things I am struggling with. I know I "should" forgive him, but these emotions have been bottled up for so long that it seems impossible right now to tell him that. In a twisted way its almost like he wins, like I want to punish him for making me feel this way. Only time will tell I suppose...time and therapy,lol.
I can totally understand that. Work on YOU first, it'll come.
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