The decision

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.

I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.