So I get a call from a good friend of mine yesterday. I don't have too many friends, but this guy I consider one of my best ones. Worked with him for 3 1/2 years. Anyhow, the conversation started out normal enough, I said whats up and he said its been a rough week. I asked him why and he said his son. His oldest son had gotten into trouble a few times over the years so I asked him "is he getting into trouble again?" His response was no, he committed suicide. I was speechless..i mumbled something along the lines of "what the fuck?" He told me his sons doctor put him on prozac 6 weeks ago and he thinks it was a factor. I have to say I agree. When I was on it, I never felt so depressed or suicidal. He told me how the memorial was going to be that night and I told him that I would be there. I came home and that was all I could think about. I'm not sure if this upset me so much because he is a close friend or because I have kids and would never want to experience that. Probably a combination of both. I was sleepy so I tried laying down but I just couldn't. My heart was raising and I had a hard time breathing. I just couldn't get it out of my head. This really affected me in ways that words just don't describe. I decided to get out of bed, pick up my kids and we spend the rest of the afternoon together. The first thing I did was give them both a big hug and tell them how much I love them. I thought back on the times that I got after them for silly things and felt terrible. I thought of the times when I myself wanted to end it all. If I felt this bad when this happened to my friend, how would my kids feel if this happened to daddy?
Talk about a wake up call.
Showing posts with label prozac. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prozac. Show all posts
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Saturday, June 2, 2007
The decision
I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.
I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.
I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.
Monday, May 28, 2007
The children
The whole situation with my dad has really got me thinking the last few days. While I do my best to be the best dad I can be, I still will catch myself being lazy. Today I was determined not to let that happened. I still have the kids for the weekend and they were with me all day because of the holiday. I took them to the park for a while, we threw the football around quite a bit and we spent a few hours at my uncles house. I think there is a difference between being there for your kids and "being there" for your kids. I try to spend every day with them as if it was the last, as cliche as it may sound. Too many parents take their kids for granted. The old adage that "they grow up so fast" is so damn true.
I'm not sure if it is the Prozac or the Trileptal, but I have been getting incredibly tired during the day. I have been sleeping great at night, getting a good 8-9 hours. I wake up and am fine for a few hours, but by lunchtime I'm exhausted and usually end up falling asleep for an hour or 2. I'm not sure what all I can do. I do feel like the meds are helping though, so a little drowsiness is more than a fair trade off.
I'm not sure if it is the Prozac or the Trileptal, but I have been getting incredibly tired during the day. I have been sleeping great at night, getting a good 8-9 hours. I wake up and am fine for a few hours, but by lunchtime I'm exhausted and usually end up falling asleep for an hour or 2. I'm not sure what all I can do. I do feel like the meds are helping though, so a little drowsiness is more than a fair trade off.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The estimate
Today was pretty good overall. I was really tired though. I try to take my Trileptal around 8 or so, but didn't take it until close to 10pm last night. I ended up taking 3 naps as a result. Oh well, its nice to not have school for a few weeks. Speaking of school, I got my grades for this last semester and got a B in math and an A in English. I have no idea how that happened but I was happy. I was thinking I would get 2 C's.
I had planned to go with my uncle today to get an estimate from the body shop on his car. I woke up and remembered I had a side job and also needed to take my daughter to her therapist appointment, so I figured I would go with him on Wednesday. I get out of bed and the first thing my grandma says is "are you going to be able to see about the car today?" I know my grandma means well, but it really annoyed me for some reason. Instead of blowing up, I was calm about it. I called my ex wife and arranged for her to take my daughter to her appointment and my uncle and I went to get an estimate after my job. I was expecting the damage to only be a few hundred dollars, but I was wrong. They ranged from $550 to $835. I knew there was no way I could pay this out of pocket.
It's funny just how fast my mind works. Once I heard what the estimates were, my brain started racing. Instead of analyzing the situation, I immediately went extreme. I though, great I'm going to have to quit school for the summer, quit my job and get a full time job. All this happened within a few seconds. Anyway, I came back down to earth and I let my ex know the damage. She finally told me it was okay to use the insurance to cover it, but she would be dropping the insurance afterwards. Thats a huge weight off my shoulders.
I had planned to go with my uncle today to get an estimate from the body shop on his car. I woke up and remembered I had a side job and also needed to take my daughter to her therapist appointment, so I figured I would go with him on Wednesday. I get out of bed and the first thing my grandma says is "are you going to be able to see about the car today?" I know my grandma means well, but it really annoyed me for some reason. Instead of blowing up, I was calm about it. I called my ex wife and arranged for her to take my daughter to her appointment and my uncle and I went to get an estimate after my job. I was expecting the damage to only be a few hundred dollars, but I was wrong. They ranged from $550 to $835. I knew there was no way I could pay this out of pocket.
It's funny just how fast my mind works. Once I heard what the estimates were, my brain started racing. Instead of analyzing the situation, I immediately went extreme. I though, great I'm going to have to quit school for the summer, quit my job and get a full time job. All this happened within a few seconds. Anyway, I came back down to earth and I let my ex know the damage. She finally told me it was okay to use the insurance to cover it, but she would be dropping the insurance afterwards. Thats a huge weight off my shoulders.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Put to the test
Had an eventful day today. Started off fairly normal, went to church then to lunch with the family for mother's day. On our way home from lunch, I'm driving and I hear POP coming from my car and I knew I had a blowout. I was a good 4-5 miles from home, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot. I could feel an episode starting to come on. Hard to explain, but its just a feeling i had inside me. I knew I had no spare and figured most tire shops would be closed on a Sunday. My first instinct was to want to yell and hit something. Surprisingly, I was very calm. I analyzed the situation and placed a call to my mom of all people. She was able to make some calls and find a shop that was still open. She came by, picked up my tire and had them put a new one on. I was quite pleased how I handled myself. Baby steps...
Didn't hear from Her at all yesterday, but sent her a text while i was stranded and "chatted" with her for a bit. It was funny because she gave me the same advice I had given her just last week...sometimes you have to ask people for help.
Didn't hear from Her at all yesterday, but sent her a text while i was stranded and "chatted" with her for a bit. It was funny because she gave me the same advice I had given her just last week...sometimes you have to ask people for help.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
In the real world
Strange day yesterday in regards to Her. I talked to her a few times throughout the day and things once again seemed normal. I guess something is wrong with my phone because she sent me several texts and I didn't receive them until hours later. By that time I had already gone to the bar. I didnt completely overdo it, but I stayed there quite a long time. I didn't notice any weird side effects combining the prozac with alcohol, but I know I shouldn't be mixing them just to be safe. I got up early to take my daughter to her soccer game and then we came back to the house for the start of my kid weekend. My mood today is slightly up than down, which is nice. My energy level seems good and I feel like doing things besides just laying in bed.
In the real world
In dreams we do so many things
We set aside the rules we know
And fly the world so high
In great and shining rings
If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems
But in the real world
We must say our goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die
In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange
I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world
When we were dreaming heart to heart
I wish that we had stayed right there
For when the dreamers do awake
The dreams do disappear
In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange
I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world
In the real world
In dreams we do so many things
We set aside the rules we know
And fly the world so high
In great and shining rings
If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems
But in the real world
We must say our goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die
In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange
I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world
When we were dreaming heart to heart
I wish that we had stayed right there
For when the dreamers do awake
The dreams do disappear
In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange
I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world
Friday, May 11, 2007
Four things
Four things happened yesterday that really put me to the test.
1. Moving in with my sister is not going to happen after all. Turns out her landlord has already rented out her house to his assistant. So it looks like I'm stuck here indefinitely.
2. The other day I had my car started, put it in neutral with the emergency brake on and I went in the backseat to look for something. The car started rolling down the hill in front of my house and ended up running into my uncles car. Put a good size dent in the bumper. Initially he was cool and said "its just a car" I figured I could save up money over time and then pay for the damage. My insurance deductible is $500 and I think the damage is less than that. Anyhow, yesterday my grandma asked me twice who my insurance was with. I'm guessing he wants it fixed soon which sucks. I could pay for it sooner, but thats my tuition money. Normal people would probably just be like, lets work out something, but as a borderline, i went to the extreme and starting thinking, great, i'm going to have to quit school to pay for this.
3. I lost my drivers license and have no idea where it is. I need that license to pick up the parts for my side jobs at fedex. no side jobs=no extra money.
4. I heard from Her yesterday. We exchanged emails throughout the day...small talk mostly. After everything else that had happened yesterday, I was feeling really down and I really needed someone to talk to. I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She said she wasn't able too because she had wrecked her car the other day and wasn't sure if it would make it. She lives a few blocks away, but said she couldn't walk because there was a flash flood warning. This really made me feel like shit. I could have easily just gone to her house to pick her up, but I couldn't because I'm a secret to her family. I may have my flaws, but I think I deserve better than that...i know i deserve to be treated better than that.
I took my trileptal last night for the first time again. It kicked my butt, I slept in till 9am which is really late for me. Trileptal, along with Lexapro is what I overdosed on last year, so I made sure to give my pills to my grandparents to dispense. I don't ever want to go through that again.
1. Moving in with my sister is not going to happen after all. Turns out her landlord has already rented out her house to his assistant. So it looks like I'm stuck here indefinitely.
2. The other day I had my car started, put it in neutral with the emergency brake on and I went in the backseat to look for something. The car started rolling down the hill in front of my house and ended up running into my uncles car. Put a good size dent in the bumper. Initially he was cool and said "its just a car" I figured I could save up money over time and then pay for the damage. My insurance deductible is $500 and I think the damage is less than that. Anyhow, yesterday my grandma asked me twice who my insurance was with. I'm guessing he wants it fixed soon which sucks. I could pay for it sooner, but thats my tuition money. Normal people would probably just be like, lets work out something, but as a borderline, i went to the extreme and starting thinking, great, i'm going to have to quit school to pay for this.
3. I lost my drivers license and have no idea where it is. I need that license to pick up the parts for my side jobs at fedex. no side jobs=no extra money.
4. I heard from Her yesterday. We exchanged emails throughout the day...small talk mostly. After everything else that had happened yesterday, I was feeling really down and I really needed someone to talk to. I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She said she wasn't able too because she had wrecked her car the other day and wasn't sure if it would make it. She lives a few blocks away, but said she couldn't walk because there was a flash flood warning. This really made me feel like shit. I could have easily just gone to her house to pick her up, but I couldn't because I'm a secret to her family. I may have my flaws, but I think I deserve better than that...i know i deserve to be treated better than that.
I took my trileptal last night for the first time again. It kicked my butt, I slept in till 9am which is really late for me. Trileptal, along with Lexapro is what I overdosed on last year, so I made sure to give my pills to my grandparents to dispense. I don't ever want to go through that again.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Restricted
I got my meds yesterday morning. The doc started me out on 600mg of Trileptal and 20mg of Prozac. Usually they tell to take a certain dosage for a week or so, then they bump it up, but he didn't mention anything about that, seems like a pretty low dose, but we'll see. It's better than nothing.
Got a phone call yesterday morning, my caller ID said "Restricted" I answered it and it was Her. I asked her why she blocked her number and she replied that she was calling from home. This really made me feel like shit. To give some background, she lives with her parents. She is still legally married even though her and her husband have been separated for over a year. Because her parents are supposedly these hardcore Catholics and loved her husband, they never knew that her and I were dating. It was almost like I was having an affair...with my own girlfriend. I always hated this and the fact that she had to block her number reminded me of how shitty it felt. I still don't know why she blocked it. I'm guessing she blocked it because she didn't want me to go all crazy and call her house or something. Maybe she was afraid I would call and tell her parents how we dated off and on for over a year. I never did get an explanation, but I knew that I would never do that out of respect for her family. Anyway, that set the tone for the whole conversation, it felt really awkward. I am happy though that I didn't go all crazy and do something stupid like hang up on her. I wouldn't want things to end like that. I'm still waiting to find out what her decision is,but she has a ton of other things going on in her life, so understandable, I am kind of on the back burner. So I wait.
Got a phone call yesterday morning, my caller ID said "Restricted" I answered it and it was Her. I asked her why she blocked her number and she replied that she was calling from home. This really made me feel like shit. To give some background, she lives with her parents. She is still legally married even though her and her husband have been separated for over a year. Because her parents are supposedly these hardcore Catholics and loved her husband, they never knew that her and I were dating. It was almost like I was having an affair...with my own girlfriend. I always hated this and the fact that she had to block her number reminded me of how shitty it felt. I still don't know why she blocked it. I'm guessing she blocked it because she didn't want me to go all crazy and call her house or something. Maybe she was afraid I would call and tell her parents how we dated off and on for over a year. I never did get an explanation, but I knew that I would never do that out of respect for her family. Anyway, that set the tone for the whole conversation, it felt really awkward. I am happy though that I didn't go all crazy and do something stupid like hang up on her. I wouldn't want things to end like that. I'm still waiting to find out what her decision is,but she has a ton of other things going on in her life, so understandable, I am kind of on the back burner. So I wait.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
a visit to the doctor
I get up super early this morning, there is excitement in the air. It's the day of my much awaited psych eval. My appointment was at 8am and I was told before that I should be seen right away since I was the first appointment of the day. Didn't quite happen that way. I finally was called around 8:45, so I had a good hour to do nothing but sit in the waiting room and people watch. I must say, I felt pretty damn normal, compared with some of these cats. There was miss talkingtohearselfthewholetime lady, seated next to mr. haventseenashowerinmonths man, to name a few.
Anyhow, I get in to see the doctor and after getting asked the routine questions he tells me, I agree with your previous diagnosis of borderline, but I will have to put you down as Bipolar II because its easier to get funding that way. This really showed me how uncommon bpd must be. I just want the best treatment I can get and since I don't have insurance through a big company and have to depend on the county poor people coverage, my hands are pretty much tied. Anyhow, he gave me a script for Trileptal, which is what I took last year and felt it really helped, and he was also going to give me one for Celexa. I asked him what his thoughts on Prozac where instead. After reading this article
a while back, I really wanted to give it a shot and he agreed. Its going to be delivered tomorrow morning, so I can't wait to see the results. I'm looking forward to getting the placebo effect from taking it the first day or two, those are always great.
Aside from that, I just went to work, came home, slept for 3 hours and now am getting ready to go watch some basketball...not a bad day or not a great day today, but somewhere in between I guess. I heard from Her earlier in the day through texts, but nothing major. It's weird, the longer time goes by with her making the decision, the more i've started to accept it.
Anyhow, I get in to see the doctor and after getting asked the routine questions he tells me, I agree with your previous diagnosis of borderline, but I will have to put you down as Bipolar II because its easier to get funding that way. This really showed me how uncommon bpd must be. I just want the best treatment I can get and since I don't have insurance through a big company and have to depend on the county poor people coverage, my hands are pretty much tied. Anyhow, he gave me a script for Trileptal, which is what I took last year and felt it really helped, and he was also going to give me one for Celexa. I asked him what his thoughts on Prozac where instead. After reading this article
a while back, I really wanted to give it a shot and he agreed. Its going to be delivered tomorrow morning, so I can't wait to see the results. I'm looking forward to getting the placebo effect from taking it the first day or two, those are always great.
Aside from that, I just went to work, came home, slept for 3 hours and now am getting ready to go watch some basketball...not a bad day or not a great day today, but somewhere in between I guess. I heard from Her earlier in the day through texts, but nothing major. It's weird, the longer time goes by with her making the decision, the more i've started to accept it.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Up and down
Today was full of ups and downs. It started off down as I failed my math final with a 60. It was all my fault though as I hardly studied for it. It's like I know I need to but when it comes down to it, I don't feel motivated to do so. I've got to get myself together if I want to succeed in school. I need to get my priorities in better order. I need to take care of the things that I can control and let the others things take care of themselves. Anyhow, I did okay on my English final, not as well as I know I could have, but probably ended up with a B on it. After that I went to get my kids which lifted my spirits as it always does. I also got to talk with Her for a few minutes. Nothing about us really, but it was still nice to hear her voice. I'm hoping that once she is done with her finals, she will have some time to really think about what she wants. I've given up on pushing the issue with her, i figure i'll let it take its course. I do miss the hell out of her though. I go to my psych eval tomorrow morning, which I'm looking forward too. I'm really going to push for Prozac and Trileptal, but of course in the end its his call. I don't really feel much like writing tonight, don't really feel like doing much of anything..just want to be normal...and happy.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Comfortably Numb
"All is caprice. They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason."
Didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so I'm doing it first thing in the morning today. To recap the last few days, I finally heard from her on Tuesday. We exchanged texts for awhile and she was still unsure, but wanted to meet up with me for a little bit. I suggested we meet up after work for a few drinks, which we did. It was kind of awkward at first, but after we had a few beers down, we loosened up. She seemed to mostly talk about the bad stuff that happened between us in the past year and I tried to focus on the good stuff. I'll be the first to admit, I didn't always treat her to nice and hurt her emotionally quite a bit. I took her for granted I guess, thinking she would always be there, but I guess a person can only take so much.
After a few hours, we hadn't really reached any real conclusion, but it was getting late, so it was time to go. I walked her out to her car and we both got in the front seat. Next thing you know we start making out and for a brief moment, things seemed to be "back to normal" Then she threw a curve ball. She said "You know we aren't going to talk tomorrow, right?" To say I was caught off guard would be the understatement of the year. My brain, already numb due to the alcohol was struggling to process this information. I don't really remember what my response was, but I think it was something along the lines of "oh". Naturally things got awkward again and I looked her in the eyes and said goodbye. It was a strange goodbye, almost felt like it was the final goodbye.
I went back to my car still stunned. I tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail. All of a sudden a rage built up and consumed me. My mom happened to call as I was leaving and I went off on her. For a good 10 minutes, I yelled at her, mostly about how much I hate my life and asking her why she would beat my sister and I as kids. I ended up hanging up on her and started to drive to my dad's house. I was like a man possessed. I wanted to really lay into him, like I did my mom. I parked outside his house, but at the last minute I changed my mind. I knew if I was actually face to face with him and was in the current mood, I would assault him and destroy everything I could find in his house. Since I didn't really feel like being arrested, I went ahead and went home and passed out.
On Wednesday, I didn't hear from her(my girlfriend or whatever she is now). I had school and I went with a renewed energy. I went to a restaurant to watch some basketball and have a few beers, but this time I left peacefully. I'm glad I got to talk to her/see her on Tuesday. At this point, I'd say the odds of her completely ending the relationship are 99%. I think the hardest part in dealing with this is that she was also my best friend. This was something I never really had in previous relationships, they were just my girlfriend/wife. If she chooses to leave me, I'm going to miss her friendship the most. My kids also adore her and their faces light up every time they see her. If she chooses to end it, I hope that she will talk to them and hopefully make it a little easier for them to deal with.
I have a psych eval with a doctor this coming tuesday, which should be interesting. I have heard some good things about Prozac and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm going to push for that. I'm also hoping he can refer me to a therapist that specializes in BPD. The road to recovery begins now.
Didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so I'm doing it first thing in the morning today. To recap the last few days, I finally heard from her on Tuesday. We exchanged texts for awhile and she was still unsure, but wanted to meet up with me for a little bit. I suggested we meet up after work for a few drinks, which we did. It was kind of awkward at first, but after we had a few beers down, we loosened up. She seemed to mostly talk about the bad stuff that happened between us in the past year and I tried to focus on the good stuff. I'll be the first to admit, I didn't always treat her to nice and hurt her emotionally quite a bit. I took her for granted I guess, thinking she would always be there, but I guess a person can only take so much.
After a few hours, we hadn't really reached any real conclusion, but it was getting late, so it was time to go. I walked her out to her car and we both got in the front seat. Next thing you know we start making out and for a brief moment, things seemed to be "back to normal" Then she threw a curve ball. She said "You know we aren't going to talk tomorrow, right?" To say I was caught off guard would be the understatement of the year. My brain, already numb due to the alcohol was struggling to process this information. I don't really remember what my response was, but I think it was something along the lines of "oh". Naturally things got awkward again and I looked her in the eyes and said goodbye. It was a strange goodbye, almost felt like it was the final goodbye.
I went back to my car still stunned. I tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail. All of a sudden a rage built up and consumed me. My mom happened to call as I was leaving and I went off on her. For a good 10 minutes, I yelled at her, mostly about how much I hate my life and asking her why she would beat my sister and I as kids. I ended up hanging up on her and started to drive to my dad's house. I was like a man possessed. I wanted to really lay into him, like I did my mom. I parked outside his house, but at the last minute I changed my mind. I knew if I was actually face to face with him and was in the current mood, I would assault him and destroy everything I could find in his house. Since I didn't really feel like being arrested, I went ahead and went home and passed out.
On Wednesday, I didn't hear from her(my girlfriend or whatever she is now). I had school and I went with a renewed energy. I went to a restaurant to watch some basketball and have a few beers, but this time I left peacefully. I'm glad I got to talk to her/see her on Tuesday. At this point, I'd say the odds of her completely ending the relationship are 99%. I think the hardest part in dealing with this is that she was also my best friend. This was something I never really had in previous relationships, they were just my girlfriend/wife. If she chooses to leave me, I'm going to miss her friendship the most. My kids also adore her and their faces light up every time they see her. If she chooses to end it, I hope that she will talk to them and hopefully make it a little easier for them to deal with.
I have a psych eval with a doctor this coming tuesday, which should be interesting. I have heard some good things about Prozac and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm going to push for that. I'm also hoping he can refer me to a therapist that specializes in BPD. The road to recovery begins now.
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