I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.
I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.
3 comments:
First, find a diversion. Quickly. Become obsessed with it (as long as it's a healthy diversion). Change your self-talk. Don't say mean things to yourself. You may do things to disappoint yourself, but in the end, you're all you've got, so stop abusing yourself. Concentrate on behaviors that elevate your self-respect. Break the cycles that hurt. Above all, exercise your ass off. Boost your serotonin levels as often as possible, but at least for 30 minutes a day. It's more important than you think in combatting this stuff.
Hey Adrian, just saw this comment... I completely agree with you about exercise. That is something that has been so important to me over the last 5 years or so,almost borderlining on obsessing. Whats weird is that in the last month, i'm only worked out maybe 3 or 4 times. Maybe you're on to something.
As far as finding something to be obsessed about..thats another good point. Seems like all I've been obsessing about lately is Her. Whats frustrating is that I know what I need to do..its just a matter of actually making myself do it
Amen to that. It's hard not to allow ourselves to indulge in thinking about and interacting with people who are never going to be healthy for us or we for them. It's a daily battle - just like alcoholism or other substance abuse. Day by day, hour by hour, etc. Just know that you aren't alone.
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