The decision

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.

I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.

The children

The whole situation with my dad has really got me thinking the last few days. While I do my best to be the best dad I can be, I still will catch myself being lazy. Today I was determined not to let that happened. I still have the kids for the weekend and they were with me all day because of the holiday. I took them to the park for a while, we threw the football around quite a bit and we spent a few hours at my uncles house. I think there is a difference between being there for your kids and "being there" for your kids. I try to spend every day with them as if it was the last, as cliche as it may sound. Too many parents take their kids for granted. The old adage that "they grow up so fast" is so damn true.

I'm not sure if it is the Prozac or the Trileptal, but I have been getting incredibly tired during the day. I have been sleeping great at night, getting a good 8-9 hours. I wake up and am fine for a few hours, but by lunchtime I'm exhausted and usually end up falling asleep for an hour or 2. I'm not sure what all I can do. I do feel like the meds are helping though, so a little drowsiness is more than a fair trade off.

The estimate

Today was pretty good overall. I was really tired though. I try to take my Trileptal around 8 or so, but didn't take it until close to 10pm last night. I ended up taking 3 naps as a result. Oh well, its nice to not have school for a few weeks. Speaking of school, I got my grades for this last semester and got a B in math and an A in English. I have no idea how that happened but I was happy. I was thinking I would get 2 C's.
I had planned to go with my uncle today to get an estimate from the body shop on his car. I woke up and remembered I had a side job and also needed to take my daughter to her therapist appointment, so I figured I would go with him on Wednesday. I get out of bed and the first thing my grandma says is "are you going to be able to see about the car today?" I know my grandma means well, but it really annoyed me for some reason. Instead of blowing up, I was calm about it. I called my ex wife and arranged for her to take my daughter to her appointment and my uncle and I went to get an estimate after my job. I was expecting the damage to only be a few hundred dollars, but I was wrong. They ranged from $550 to $835. I knew there was no way I could pay this out of pocket.
It's funny just how fast my mind works. Once I heard what the estimates were, my brain started racing. Instead of analyzing the situation, I immediately went extreme. I though, great I'm going to have to quit school for the summer, quit my job and get a full time job. All this happened within a few seconds. Anyway, I came back down to earth and I let my ex know the damage. She finally told me it was okay to use the insurance to cover it, but she would be dropping the insurance afterwards. Thats a huge weight off my shoulders.

Put to the test

Had an eventful day today. Started off fairly normal, went to church then to lunch with the family for mother's day. On our way home from lunch, I'm driving and I hear POP coming from my car and I knew I had a blowout. I was a good 4-5 miles from home, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot. I could feel an episode starting to come on. Hard to explain, but its just a feeling i had inside me. I knew I had no spare and figured most tire shops would be closed on a Sunday. My first instinct was to want to yell and hit something. Surprisingly, I was very calm. I analyzed the situation and placed a call to my mom of all people. She was able to make some calls and find a shop that was still open. She came by, picked up my tire and had them put a new one on. I was quite pleased how I handled myself. Baby steps...

Didn't hear from Her at all yesterday, but sent her a text while i was stranded and "chatted" with her for a bit. It was funny because she gave me the same advice I had given her just last week...sometimes you have to ask people for help.

In the real world

Strange day yesterday in regards to Her. I talked to her a few times throughout the day and things once again seemed normal. I guess something is wrong with my phone because she sent me several texts and I didn't receive them until hours later. By that time I had already gone to the bar. I didnt completely overdo it, but I stayed there quite a long time. I didn't notice any weird side effects combining the prozac with alcohol, but I know I shouldn't be mixing them just to be safe. I got up early to take my daughter to her soccer game and then we came back to the house for the start of my kid weekend. My mood today is slightly up than down, which is nice. My energy level seems good and I feel like doing things besides just laying in bed.

In the real world

In dreams we do so many things
We set aside the rules we know
And fly the world so high
In great and shining rings

If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems

But in the real world
We must say our goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die

In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

When we were dreaming heart to heart
I wish that we had stayed right there
For when the dreamers do awake
The dreams do disappear

In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

Four things

Four things happened yesterday that really put me to the test.

1. Moving in with my sister is not going to happen after all. Turns out her landlord has already rented out her house to his assistant. So it looks like I'm stuck here indefinitely.

2. The other day I had my car started, put it in neutral with the emergency brake on and I went in the backseat to look for something. The car started rolling down the hill in front of my house and ended up running into my uncles car. Put a good size dent in the bumper. Initially he was cool and said "its just a car" I figured I could save up money over time and then pay for the damage. My insurance deductible is $500 and I think the damage is less than that. Anyhow, yesterday my grandma asked me twice who my insurance was with. I'm guessing he wants it fixed soon which sucks. I could pay for it sooner, but thats my tuition money. Normal people would probably just be like, lets work out something, but as a borderline, i went to the extreme and starting thinking, great, i'm going to have to quit school to pay for this.

3. I lost my drivers license and have no idea where it is. I need that license to pick up the parts for my side jobs at fedex. no side jobs=no extra money.

4. I heard from Her yesterday. We exchanged emails throughout the day...small talk mostly. After everything else that had happened yesterday, I was feeling really down and I really needed someone to talk to. I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She said she wasn't able too because she had wrecked her car the other day and wasn't sure if it would make it. She lives a few blocks away, but said she couldn't walk because there was a flash flood warning. This really made me feel like shit. I could have easily just gone to her house to pick her up, but I couldn't because I'm a secret to her family. I may have my flaws, but I think I deserve better than that...i know i deserve to be treated better than that.


I took my trileptal last night for the first time again. It kicked my butt, I slept in till 9am which is really late for me. Trileptal, along with Lexapro is what I overdosed on last year, so I made sure to give my pills to my grandparents to dispense. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Restricted

I got my meds yesterday morning. The doc started me out on 600mg of Trileptal and 20mg of Prozac. Usually they tell to take a certain dosage for a week or so, then they bump it up, but he didn't mention anything about that, seems like a pretty low dose, but we'll see. It's better than nothing.
Got a phone call yesterday morning, my caller ID said "Restricted" I answered it and it was Her. I asked her why she blocked her number and she replied that she was calling from home. This really made me feel like shit. To give some background, she lives with her parents. She is still legally married even though her and her husband have been separated for over a year. Because her parents are supposedly these hardcore Catholics and loved her husband, they never knew that her and I were dating. It was almost like I was having an affair...with my own girlfriend. I always hated this and the fact that she had to block her number reminded me of how shitty it felt. I still don't know why she blocked it. I'm guessing she blocked it because she didn't want me to go all crazy and call her house or something. Maybe she was afraid I would call and tell her parents how we dated off and on for over a year. I never did get an explanation, but I knew that I would never do that out of respect for her family. Anyway, that set the tone for the whole conversation, it felt really awkward. I am happy though that I didn't go all crazy and do something stupid like hang up on her. I wouldn't want things to end like that. I'm still waiting to find out what her decision is,but she has a ton of other things going on in her life, so understandable, I am kind of on the back burner. So I wait.

a visit to the doctor

I get up super early this morning, there is excitement in the air. It's the day of my much awaited psych eval. My appointment was at 8am and I was told before that I should be seen right away since I was the first appointment of the day. Didn't quite happen that way. I finally was called around 8:45, so I had a good hour to do nothing but sit in the waiting room and people watch. I must say, I felt pretty damn normal, compared with some of these cats. There was miss talkingtohearselfthewholetime lady, seated next to mr. haventseenashowerinmonths man, to name a few.
Anyhow, I get in to see the doctor and after getting asked the routine questions he tells me, I agree with your previous diagnosis of borderline, but I will have to put you down as Bipolar II because its easier to get funding that way. This really showed me how uncommon bpd must be. I just want the best treatment I can get and since I don't have insurance through a big company and have to depend on the county poor people coverage, my hands are pretty much tied. Anyhow, he gave me a script for Trileptal, which is what I took last year and felt it really helped, and he was also going to give me one for Celexa. I asked him what his thoughts on Prozac where instead. After reading this article
a while back, I really wanted to give it a shot and he agreed. Its going to be delivered tomorrow morning, so I can't wait to see the results. I'm looking forward to getting the placebo effect from taking it the first day or two, those are always great.
Aside from that, I just went to work, came home, slept for 3 hours and now am getting ready to go watch some basketball...not a bad day or not a great day today, but somewhere in between I guess. I heard from Her earlier in the day through texts, but nothing major. It's weird, the longer time goes by with her making the decision, the more i've started to accept it.

Up and down

Today was full of ups and downs. It started off down as I failed my math final with a 60. It was all my fault though as I hardly studied for it. It's like I know I need to but when it comes down to it, I don't feel motivated to do so. I've got to get myself together if I want to succeed in school. I need to get my priorities in better order. I need to take care of the things that I can control and let the others things take care of themselves. Anyhow, I did okay on my English final, not as well as I know I could have, but probably ended up with a B on it. After that I went to get my kids which lifted my spirits as it always does. I also got to talk with Her for a few minutes. Nothing about us really, but it was still nice to hear her voice. I'm hoping that once she is done with her finals, she will have some time to really think about what she wants. I've given up on pushing the issue with her, i figure i'll let it take its course. I do miss the hell out of her though. I go to my psych eval tomorrow morning, which I'm looking forward too. I'm really going to push for Prozac and Trileptal, but of course in the end its his call. I don't really feel much like writing tonight, don't really feel like doing much of anything..just want to be normal...and happy.