"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
I made it through all day yesterday and (so far) all day today without calling/texting her. That's not to say I haven't wanted to, but I knew it was for the best. Of course I still hope to hear from her soon, but I know this is a big decision for her, so if she needs time, she needs time. I feel like the longer she takes, the more likely it is that she will choose not to be with me. Maybe I'm wrong...who knows. I can't stress about things that are out of my control. I guess part of me is afraid that she will get used to not talking to me and realize that she can be happy without me. I know one thing for sure though, if she chooses to break up with me, I am not going to jump into a relationship anytime soon. I was thinking about this last night and the longest I have not been in a relationship is a month at most. Always seemed to be floating from one to another, with no real sense of direction or purpose. I am curious and honestly a little scared about tomorrow.
My weekend with my kids officially ends tomorrow morning, so
it won't
be quite as easy for me to
occupy myself. I am going to try my best to stay out of the bar. I'm
already
down, so why do
something that will cause me to sink even further.
I have a quiz I should be working on right now, but I just can't seem to
motivate myself to do it. She is constantly running through my mind and I can't stop it even if I tried. I need a vacation. When school gets out for the semester,
I would love to spend it lying alone
on a beach somewhere, me and my thoughts....or admitted
into a hospital.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
I need some time alone
"I need some time alone". The phrase that a borderline never wants to hear. Unfortunately, I heard these today. I woke up and it felt like it was going to be a good day. I took my kids to church and when we got out, I sent her a text message. It said, I'm taking the kids hiking at the park this afternoon and that I'd like her to come. Her response was simply "no thanks". I sensed something just wasn't in right in that reply, so I called her. From the sound of her voice, I could tell she wasn't too happy. I asked what was wrong and in a nutshell, she told me she was burned out and needed to take a break. Burned out on me? I asked. She replied burned out on everything. School, me, life, etc. I asked if it was something I did or said and she couldn't point to anything specific. It caught me off guard as I thought yesterday went well. We went to my daughters soccer game and then had lunch and chatted occasionally throughout the day. I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she couldn't give me a clear answer. She just said how she needed to take some time off and for me not to harass her by calling/texting every five minutes. Whats funny is that she didn't even have to tell me not to do this. The fact that she came out and said she needed to take a break made it clear to me that she needed to take a break. When I called every five minutes in the past it was because I didn't know what was going on, today I did. Also, in the past I would have called another girl the minute we got off the phone, today I didn't. I ended the conversation calmly, said I wouldn't bother her and that I hope when she was done sorting things out in her head, she would still want to be with me.
I felt strange on the way home. A sense of calm came over me. My initial reaction was that I wanted to go to the bar and drink myself into oblivion, but since I had my kids, I knew this wasn't an option. Although a tear or two fell, I wasn't a basket case. Nothing was going through my head, I was just on auto pilot. I got home, grabbed a knife and went into my room. I carved a 2 inch cut across my wrist and for some reason this relaxed me as it always does.
I took a nap for an hour, woke up, had lunch and took the kids to the park for some hiking. I purposely left my phone in the car because I knew if I had it, I would keep checking it to see if she called. Despite everything, I do have glimpses of what it must be like to be normal. While I was walking with the kids, I wasn't fighting a battle in my mind thinking of her, I wasn't thinking that there was some hidden agenda in her wanting time to think, I wasn't thinking damn, I need to be with somebody, who can I call? I was just enjoying spending time with my kids. I know without a doubt that without them I would not be alive. I know I need help and am working on getting better. I also know that I love her and want to be with her more than anything. I just hope she doesn't give up on me, cut her losses and move on just when I'm starting my recovery.
I felt strange on the way home. A sense of calm came over me. My initial reaction was that I wanted to go to the bar and drink myself into oblivion, but since I had my kids, I knew this wasn't an option. Although a tear or two fell, I wasn't a basket case. Nothing was going through my head, I was just on auto pilot. I got home, grabbed a knife and went into my room. I carved a 2 inch cut across my wrist and for some reason this relaxed me as it always does.
I took a nap for an hour, woke up, had lunch and took the kids to the park for some hiking. I purposely left my phone in the car because I knew if I had it, I would keep checking it to see if she called. Despite everything, I do have glimpses of what it must be like to be normal. While I was walking with the kids, I wasn't fighting a battle in my mind thinking of her, I wasn't thinking that there was some hidden agenda in her wanting time to think, I wasn't thinking damn, I need to be with somebody, who can I call? I was just enjoying spending time with my kids. I know without a doubt that without them I would not be alive. I know I need help and am working on getting better. I also know that I love her and want to be with her more than anything. I just hope she doesn't give up on me, cut her losses and move on just when I'm starting my recovery.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Not so good day
Today was a day I would like to forget for the most part. As I mentioned yesterday, I started freaking out when my girlfriend(I think I can call her that) went over to her sisters house to eat/drink. These elaborate scenarios kept playing out in my head of what she really must have been doing. I tossed and turned for a good part of the night, had my phone right next to me in case she called or sent me a text...nothing. To say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed would be a complete understatement. I woke up extremely irritable and angry. Where was she? What was she doing? Who was she with? Why didn't she call/text? I ended up calling her around 9am...and called her..and called her. I must have called 10 times and sent a half dozen texts. I knew I should just wait for her to call and that it wasn't right for me to be basically harassing her, but it was like there was a short in my brain somewhere that caused me not to stop. I felt like an idiot every single time but it was like I was on auto pilot and had no control. I started to feel the onset of a panic attack but was able to control it before it got out of hand. Finally around 11, she sent me a text. I called her right then and there and started giving her a hard time. I told her that I needed to see her in person and after a few minutes of pleading, she agreed. I'm sure she later wished she never did. We got in my car and drove. I was fuming...I wanted to punch something out of anger/frustration. I calmed down after awhile and told her that I just need reassurance...reassurance that she loves me and wants to be with me. Her response was that she felt she didn't have to keep reassuring me that most people just know that the other person loves and wants to be with them. I'm sure to most people this is common knowledge but it was something I never have considered. So thats how "normal" people act. A feeling of calm came over me and the rest of the day turned out to be good. She even agreed to have dinner with my kids and I. We didn't say much at dinner but it was still really nice to just be with her. I decided on a new mantra to repeat throughout the day. "She loves you, she wants to be with you, always trust her". I must have said this a dozen times today. Hopefully this will sink in after time. I often wonder why she even bothers to still talk to me after all I have put her through. I almost feel like I don't deserve her. I know that the happy times we have shared are the happiest in my life. I can only hope she feels the same and that is why she is still around.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
causes of borderline personality disorder
"emotional hemophilia; [a borderline] lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate his spurts of feeling. Stimulate a passion, and the borderline emotionally bleeds to death"
Been over a month since my last post and what an interesting month it's been. Down times have been so much more frequent than up times. I ran out of my meds about two weeks ago, but I'm not convinced that is related. Most of my issues have dealt with my living situation and my love life. Lemme explain...
Living Situation
Last year i decide to quit my nearly 10 year career in the computer field (coincidentally the same day of my suicide attempt) . I enrolled in school and picked up a very part time job in the field in which I'm studying. I went from making $45k a year to $550 a month. Obviously I could not afford to live with my own, so I had to move in with my grandparents and uncle. Don't get me wrong, living rent free is great and since they go to bed by 7pm, the house is quiet to study in, but there are other issues. I live in a 12x10 room and it gets even smaller when I have my 2 kids over for the weekend. Thats not what I'm used to, but it's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is the fact that I feel like I'm a teenager again. Sure they don't tell me I can't stay out till hours of the night, but I always come home at a reasonable hour out of respect. This causes me to have periods of incredible frustration, anger and depression. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. This has led to an increase in alcohol consumption. Last week I drank 5 days in a row, which often made matters worth. At this point I have no other choice other than quit school and go back to work full time, but thats just not going to happen. Living here has obviously affected my love life.
Love(less) Life
BPD has affected my love life more than anything. Quite often, I'm at the grocery store for example and I notice a seemingly happy couple. I feel jealous and angry at the sight of this. Why can't I just be normal like them? Why can't I just be happy and not flip a switch when they say or do something I don't agree with or that's critical? Why can't I trust? If she tells me she is going out with sister to dinner, why can't I just accept and believe that? Instead I play out this scenario in my head that she is really meeting up with a guy for a late night rendezvous. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I think of things I have done in the past, of cheating and lying and figure if I did that, she must have been doing that as well? Another reason I think is due to the fact that I was sexually molested by my father as a child. I must have been 5 or 6. I can vividly remember him calling me into the living room and him lying naked on the floor telling me to play with him. I can remember the time when my parents separated for a year when I was 10. He would have me shower with him. No touching or anything and for some reason, at the time, I didn't think anything was weird about it. There is not a single day that has gone by in the last 15 years that I have not thought about this. Not one day. I think about this and I think about how my life might have been different if these events would have never taken place. If they didn't, maybe I would have turned out "normal".
Been over a month since my last post and what an interesting month it's been. Down times have been so much more frequent than up times. I ran out of my meds about two weeks ago, but I'm not convinced that is related. Most of my issues have dealt with my living situation and my love life. Lemme explain...
Living Situation
Last year i decide to quit my nearly 10 year career in the computer field (coincidentally the same day of my suicide attempt) . I enrolled in school and picked up a very part time job in the field in which I'm studying. I went from making $45k a year to $550 a month. Obviously I could not afford to live with my own, so I had to move in with my grandparents and uncle. Don't get me wrong, living rent free is great and since they go to bed by 7pm, the house is quiet to study in, but there are other issues. I live in a 12x10 room and it gets even smaller when I have my 2 kids over for the weekend. Thats not what I'm used to, but it's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is the fact that I feel like I'm a teenager again. Sure they don't tell me I can't stay out till hours of the night, but I always come home at a reasonable hour out of respect. This causes me to have periods of incredible frustration, anger and depression. I feel like a rat trapped in a cage. This has led to an increase in alcohol consumption. Last week I drank 5 days in a row, which often made matters worth. At this point I have no other choice other than quit school and go back to work full time, but thats just not going to happen. Living here has obviously affected my love life.
Love(less) Life
BPD has affected my love life more than anything. Quite often, I'm at the grocery store for example and I notice a seemingly happy couple. I feel jealous and angry at the sight of this. Why can't I just be normal like them? Why can't I just be happy and not flip a switch when they say or do something I don't agree with or that's critical? Why can't I trust? If she tells me she is going out with sister to dinner, why can't I just accept and believe that? Instead I play out this scenario in my head that she is really meeting up with a guy for a late night rendezvous. I think part of the reason for this is the fact that I think of things I have done in the past, of cheating and lying and figure if I did that, she must have been doing that as well? Another reason I think is due to the fact that I was sexually molested by my father as a child. I must have been 5 or 6. I can vividly remember him calling me into the living room and him lying naked on the floor telling me to play with him. I can remember the time when my parents separated for a year when I was 10. He would have me shower with him. No touching or anything and for some reason, at the time, I didn't think anything was weird about it. There is not a single day that has gone by in the last 15 years that I have not thought about this. Not one day. I think about this and I think about how my life might have been different if these events would have never taken place. If they didn't, maybe I would have turned out "normal".
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