The uncle

So I'm in the kitchen this morning, making my breakfast, when my uncle came in. We made small talk for a bit and then he mentioned how he was moving out on the first. It took everything I had not to bust out with a big grin. I'm sure that sounds mean, but it totally made my day. Not only will I not have to deal with his constant negative attitude about everything and his horrible personal hygiene, but there will be an extra bedroom free so I can finally move some of the kids stuff out of my room and be able to see the floor again. The rest of the day went well..I had 3 side jobs so I was going nonstop from 7-5, but I didn't mind. My tuition is due this Friday so I'm trying to work as much as I can so I can pay it. I'm really not sure what all is going to happen though. I should talk to the lady from the spinal cord clinic this week and depending on that will decide which classes I take.

Everything is still going well with Sybil and I. I told my ex wife about the engagement and it was interesting to say the least. She said that she felt bad for her because Sybil didn't know what she was getting herself into. I told her that actually(and unfortunately) she did. She mentioned how I crushed her while we were together and hoped I didn't do the same to Sybil. I like to think that I am a different person now then I was when I was married. I mean I still have my moments, but at least now I know why I have them.

The test

First real test happened a little over an hour ago. Sybil was getting a phone line and DSL. She wasn't able to get a dial tone, but if you called the number it would ring and not give you the error message. I assumed that the line was active and maybe it was just a problem with her phone. I told her that I could come by and look at it and she said that would be cool. Just about this time it started pouring down rain so I told her I was going to wait until the rain slowed down and then head over. About a half hour later I was heading out the door in a pretty good mood. As I get ready to turn into her apartment, she calls and says that her dad just came home and that I couldn't come over because he would think we were having sex or something. My mood flipped and I could feel a borderline moment coming on. She said her and her son were leaving out the door and that we could meet up somewhere. I did my best to remain cool on the phone but inside I wanted to scream.

We met up at McDonalds and I tried my best to get over it but it was hard. I didn't storm off or anything, I just kept quiet for the most part. After dinner we left and I returned home. I guess I have a hard time understanding her relationship with her father because I haven't lived with mine for so long. Even then my relationship with my parents is completely different. Hers is like a teenager/parent relationship and mine is more of a acquaintance relationship. I guess I'm not used to parents or anybody for that matter having any control over me. I'm doing my best to deal with it and trying to understand it though. I love her and thats all that matters.

The new approach

Still engaged, still happy. I decided that to resist any sort of temptation, I'm going to go through my phone, delete the numbers of girls that are not just friends and then change my phone number. Now I know you are probably thinking that I should be able to control myself, but honestly its not always that easy. In the past, if there was an argument with my girlfriend, I would go through my list and call someone up. This made me feel a little better initially, but then the guilt would set in and I'd be miserable.

I'm also trying a new approach to how I look at her. Instead of putting her so high on a pedestal and making her unreasonably perfect, I have realized that she is human, she has faults, she is not perfect, just like me. Hopefully this will prevent me from devaluing her the minute she says or does the wrong thing.

If there is one area that I think could potentially cause problems it will be with our children. By our children, I mean my kids and her son. We both have very different way of raising them. For example, I make sure my kids are in bed by 9pm at the latest. With her, their are times when she will call me at 11pm and they are at the grocery store. I think most of this is due to the fact that she is a single mom and since she works full time, its just not that easy to do what she needs to do alone. I'm sure we will work out some sort of compromise later on down the road.

The engagement

Let's see..just what have i been up to lately...I've had the kids this weekend and had a good time. Took them to chuck e cheese, the zoo and six flags. I bought clear taillights,corner lights and side lights for my car, making it just about the way i want it. This made me very happy..I think I actually smiled when it was all said and done.




Oh yeah, I also proposed to Sybil and she accepted. I have no doubt that she loves me. She goes out of her way at times just to make me happy. Like when I was diagnosed with bpd, she went out and bought a book on it so that she could learn more about it.I spent a long time looking for that perfect someone when all along she was right in front of me. Its all still a long ways off, we don't plan to get married until a year or so. In the meantime, just going to take it one day at a time. I haven't told my family yet. We first met nearly a year ago and dated off and on during that time. In all that time, she never met my family, for reasons I'm not sure of. It sucks because they met married girl on 4th of July, so I can't just out of the blue say"oh yeah, this is sybil, we are engaged." I'll wait a few weeks and then bring her around and go from there.
I did sit down and talk with my daughter last night though and told her. She is my number one priority. Honestly if she told me daddy, i don't want you to get married or I don't like her, then I wouldn't do it. I just explained that she(my daughter) is the most important girl in my life and always will be. She said she was okay with it and I tried to reinforce the point that things won't change by taking her to six flags today..just the two of us. I think thats the important thing..to not get caught up in everything that I don't make time for her. With all of her own mental issues, that is the last thing she needs. Sybil has a son of her own and I've decided than I'm not going to all of a sudden rush into doing stuff together all of the time. I figure we can do it gradually.

So yeah..thats what I've been up to-

The future

Kid weekend ended this morning. Had a good time overall. The weather was actually nice for a change so we weren't stuck inside the whole time. My daughter had her birthday party on Sunday and it went well.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't have work,school or side jobs so it was nice to not do a damn thing. Speaking of jobs, I have a few updates. I heard from the lady who is opening the spinal cord injury clinic yesterday. She just wanted to touch base and she mentioned how both her and her business partner have considered me as the top candidate for the spinal cord injury trainer position. They will be in town the first week of September and would like to meet me. I hope to hear something soon so I can finalize my school schedule. If I was offered and accepted the position, I'm sure I would have to take my classes online as she mentioned how I would be out of town for a month to get certified. I also heard from the computer job people. They are holding off on the hiring until August but mentioned I am still in the running. The more I think about it the more I don't want to do it, but I'll make that decision when and if the time comes.

The international

Been a busy last few days. As I mentioned previously, I do jobs on the side, computers and tv's. I have done 13 jobs in the last 3 days which has kept me more than occupied. More importantly, it has filled my bank account which is a great thing. I really realize just how happy money makes me. Money may not buy you love but it definitely buys me happiness. I have been able to set money aside for my fall tuition just in case the student loans don't go through in time. My energy level has been amazing, I'm all motivated and what not.
Something pretty cool happened today. I have a friend who is a flight attendant. I talked to her today and she wants me to go on some flights with her. She works strictly international so i'm really excited. Once I get my passport i can travel with her for 20 bucks. She is headed off to england and then rome and then who knows where else. I think this is an opportunity I just can't pass up.
Other that, pretty much the same old same old..i have the kids this weekend, so i'm going to head out for the evening..who knows where the night will end up.

The Birthday

It was 9 years ago today that my daughter was born. I will never forget how it felt to hold her for the first time. I have it on video and the look on my face is pure joy...brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. Normally I tend to write about the negative things in my life, but I just can't do that today. My daughter is my world and I am convinced that she is the reason why I am still alive today. Anytime I think about ending it all, I think of her and my son and I just can't go through with it.

Don't worry, I'll return to my usual bitch and moan session tomorrow, but for now, all I can say is happy birthday baby.

The final

I had my Algebra final today. I have a really hard time when it comes to taking tests. I know the subject and concepts, but when it comes down to it, my mind goes blank. Anyhow, I bombed the final. I'm not sure what I made on it, but my average for the class turned out to be a C, which really sucks. As soon as I saw my grade, the borderline kicked in. The whole black and white thing was in effect and my mind immediately turned to thoughts of how I'm never going to get into physical therapy school because of this one grade. I guess I got over it after a while once I realized that I really have no one to blame but myself. I really didn't apply myself and distractions seemed to really screw me. Speaking of school, I was supposed to take English for the Summer II session, but didn't have the money for tuition..so unless they let me pay late, i'm off until the Fall.

I was contacted by a recruiting company last week. They wanted me to come in for an interview so i went in this past Friday. It went well and they are going to recommend that I have an interview with the actual company. I'm really torn about this. On one hand I would be making enough money to be able to move out of my grandparents and get back on my feet. On the other hand, the job is in IT and I really hate to have to go back to that. I swore I never would when I "retired" from it last fall, but I guess life is always full of surprises. Going back to working in IT is like admitting defeat in my eyes. If I got the job I still would continue with school of course, there is no doubt in my mind about that. Who knows maybe they would offer insurance that would cover therapy? I'll keep you updated.

The small world

Today started out typical enough. Did some homework for a few hours and then headed off to Six Flags. As my date and I are in line for one of the coasters, a tall thin Caucasian male catches my eye. I knew I had seen him before, but couldn't recall where. I rapidly scanned the database in my brain and then I realized who it was. It was Her husband. When I say Her husband, I don't mean married girls husband, but HER husband. As he walked past I looked to see if She was anywhere nearby but I did not spot her. I thought to myself "small world" and then proceeded to board the ride. A little while later, the "small world" got microscopic.

We were in line for my favorite coaster when I notice Her and her husband in the exact same line. I avoided eye contact with her out of awkwardness I guess, but my heart beat began to speed up and my mind began to race. Part of me looked at her husband and thought, bro, if you only knew the things your wife and I have done together. I smiled smugly to myself and continued to move through the line. A little while later I realized that I knew this would happen. By that I mean, I knew that eventually her and her husband would get back together. Of course this is only pure speculation as they could have just gone together as friends, but I'm sure its just a matter of time.

I figured it would happen because she is going through a tough time right now. She doesn't have a job and as a full time student is struggling to make ends meet. What do people do when the going gets tough? They go back to what they know and to what they are used to. If thats the case, I'm kind of disappointed in her as I didn't think she would be that weak. Like I said, I could be completely off on this, but if not, good luck to her. Although in my mind that would make her a whore.

Lets see, what else has been going on...a week or so ago, Sybil called me saying that she hated to admit it but she really missed me. She said she went out on a few dates but felt weird because the guys weren't like me. I met up with her and after awhile we started talking about getting back together and giving it another shot. This ended a few days later however. We were talking on the phone when she gets another call. Turns out that it is none other than Her. I didn't get all the details of what was said but she did tell me that she was asked if she still talked to me. Sybil replied no. The borderline kicked in and I immediately got pissed off. In my mind, I was being kept a secret again. This is the same reason that I ended things with Her and with my girlfriend prior to that. In Sybil's eyes, the friendship with Her seemed more important than a relationship with me, so things ended once again, just as quickly as they started back up.

Just another week in my crazy life.