The break up

Don't know how else to but it, but the wedding is off. I guess it was bound to happen. What really started things off was when her ex husband came into town this past Thursday. I called her just to see how she was doing and I got her voicemail. No big deal, left her a message. An hour had gone by and I hadn't heard from her, so I called again and got the voicemail. Sent a text..no response. More time passed and I called one last time...voicemail. I was pretty pissed off at this point since I now had trust issues because of the whole "my friend" incident. I finally got a text from her saying how her and her ex were talking about their son and that she would call me in a bit. This really set me off. I didn't think I was asking for much, I would have been happy if she just would have answered and said, hey we are talking about the baby, so I'll call you later. There is nothing I hate more than being purposely ignored. Later that night she called and I was obviously upset and let her know it. She tried to turn it around on me and said how she didn't trust me because of stuff I did in the past. Then it hit me...she doesn't trust me, I didn't trust her...thats kind of important if not everything in a marriage. I told her that I would be by tomorrow to pick up the ring and she said that she would meet me that night to give it to me. We met at a gas station a few minutes later, no words were spoken and we left just as fast as we arrived.

I spent just about all of Friday in bed. I wasn't sleepy, I was just worn out,depressed and bored. I felt totally alone and it was driving me crazy, so I went by my kids house that night and hung out for a few hours watching dvd's. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until around 11. I killed some time on the computer for awhile and then spent the rest of the day at a friends bbq. There was plenty of alcohol so by the time I left I was pretty trashed and I made the drunk dial to her. She didn't answer after a few calls and when she finally did, she said her ex and her were watching a movie. I went off on her, calling her whore,slut,bad mom...everything I could think of. Of course I didn't really mean it but it felt good to get it out of my system. She called me and alcoholic and that actually made me think. I have drank every day for the last week. Not until I'm passed out or anything, but just a 6 pack, mostly out of boredom I guess.

I feel like I'm in out of control mode,especially when it comes to driving. There are some curvy roads near my house and I love to just floor it and see how far I can push it. When I do this, a weird feeling comes over me. My heart rate slows,I feel numb and almost like I'm in a trance. Its like I'm daring God in a way. When I let off the gas I return to normal and its as if I blacked out for a few seconds.

I met with the spinal cord clinic people last week. It went well and basically the job is mine as long as I pass the background/drug test, which I will. They are trying to get it open in mid September. I got denied financial aid and I screwed off all the money I had set aside for tuition, so I got dropped from the classes I was registered for. I try not to think about all that but I know I need to. I kinda feel like I'm just here taking up space and I have no sense of direction.

I feel alone.