Four things happened yesterday that really put me to the test.
1. Moving in with my sister is not going to happen after all. Turns out her landlord has already rented out her house to his assistant. So it looks like I'm stuck here indefinitely.
2. The other day I had my car started, put it in neutral with the emergency brake on and I went in the backseat to look for something. The car started rolling down the hill in front of my house and ended up running into my uncles car. Put a good size dent in the bumper. Initially he was cool and said "its just a car" I figured I could save up money over time and then pay for the damage. My insurance deductible is $500 and I think the damage is less than that. Anyhow, yesterday my grandma asked me twice who my insurance was with. I'm guessing he wants it fixed soon which sucks. I could pay for it sooner, but thats my tuition money. Normal people would probably just be like, lets work out something, but as a borderline, i went to the extreme and starting thinking, great, i'm going to have to quit school to pay for this.
3. I lost my drivers license and have no idea where it is. I need that license to pick up the parts for my side jobs at fedex. no side jobs=no extra money.
4. I heard from Her yesterday. We exchanged emails throughout the day...small talk mostly. After everything else that had happened yesterday, I was feeling really down and I really needed someone to talk to. I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She said she wasn't able too because she had wrecked her car the other day and wasn't sure if it would make it. She lives a few blocks away, but said she couldn't walk because there was a flash flood warning. This really made me feel like shit. I could have easily just gone to her house to pick her up, but I couldn't because I'm a secret to her family. I may have my flaws, but I think I deserve better than that...i know i deserve to be treated better than that.
I took my trileptal last night for the first time again. It kicked my butt, I slept in till 9am which is really late for me. Trileptal, along with Lexapro is what I overdosed on last year, so I made sure to give my pills to my grandparents to dispense. I don't ever want to go through that again.
2 comments:
It may not be of business but how old is the girl? You may be bpd but she also not being honest with herself. And I agree I think you deserve better, don't settle for something less just cause you think you aren't worthy of something better.
I'm sorry the move is canceled. I'm sure something else will come up soon. If not, there must be a reason why and you will find out soon. When I started to accept my BPD and stop feeling sorry for myself and also stop being jalous of every one else happiness, I decided to took my bpd as a gift. I have BPD cause I have to learn something in this life. I great lesson I'm sure. Keep your shin up! Hugs and kisses to help you through the day.
Hey there. She is 25. It's a complicated situation. She has put up with ALOT of stuff over the last year or so. I guess a person can only take so much. You know how it is, the other person is great until they do one thing you don't like then they are the ones who seem unworthy.
That is great advice about being jealous about everyone elses happiness. I've noticed myself doing that more and more lately. I know I need to take care of myself first and foremost, but its tough to do it alone, especially when the fear of being alone is the main problem.
Thanks for the motivation :)
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