Day 3 of no meds and I guess so far, so good. I spent a majority of yesterday with Her on my mind. I wasn't necessarily depressed or anxious or anything, just had her subconsciously on my mind. She called me this morning to see if I made it through the weekend alive. While I admittedly considered swallowing my whole baggie of emergency pills a time or two, I told her I was fine.
School starts up again at noon today. I don't even have my book yet. College textbooks is the biggest scam ever. The book I need is $90 used and $135 new. I found it online for $15, so I think thats the route I'm going to try and go...just hope it doesn't take forever to receive it. I don't want to get behind from the get go. Hell, maybe I'll just drop the class and take it during the summer II session....I don't know.
Its amazing how having or not having money directly affects my happiness. I just want to run away. I wish I had someone to talk to who knew how I felt. Sure I can talk to my uncle and maybe my best friend, but they are "normal" so they don't understand just how I think. Its like I want someone to smack me upside the head and tell me what I need to do...like I can't figure it out on my own. I think structure is so critical for me and right now I feel like I am just floating through space haphazardly with no real direction.
4 comments:
nice in-put
You can make your own structure. Write that shit down. Seriously. Make a schedule for yourself, even if it's scheduling your thoughts (as weird as that sounds). I recently advised a friend to end an unhealthy, dead-end relationship much like he would morun the death of a loved one. We'd all like the opportunity to tell someone we love all the things we need to say to them before we lose them. Tell this person all the things you need them to know (as long as they aren't hurtful, of course). Explain that you are making a clean break, for your own sake. You have to look out for yourself now. Tell them how much you care about them and that you'll only think good thoughts when you think of them. Unfortunately, this nice neat approach is hard to achieve with the push-pull patterns of a controlling relationship, but if you're resolved to separate yourself from it, you will do it. Take a step back and consider how much of the relationship is about need and ego and how much is selfless, mature love. I do think you have to approach it like a death and allow yourself to mourn.
I agree with Adrian: make yourself a schedule. Make notes, write down what you have to do every morning and congrats yourself for what you have done. Be proud of yourself for any little things. As for what you didn't do see if there as reason why you've avoid them or wait to do them.
As for "her" try thinking about your kids. I know it is really hard to do, but look at pictures, drawing they made. Force your mind to focus on the good in your life. I know I'm not the one who should tell you that since I can't hardly do it myself. So let hang in holding hands. xx
Adrian-
You made some very interesting points and ironically I covered a few of them in todays entry before I read this. The part that really has made me think is when you said to "consider how much of the relationship is about need and ego and how much is selfless,mature love." As luck would have it, I feel it is a combination of both when it comes to Her. I tried the clean break thing when I thought it was what I wanted last year. I did okay for a month or so but then I realized she was all I could think about and all I wanted. I think here is the deal with her. If her and I had an honest shot at a relationship, no secrets,etc and it failed, then it would be easier to say, we tried and it didn't work out. The fact that this has never happened is probably the biggest reason why I am hanging on. I don't want to go through life wondering what might have been and I know thats where I would end up.
Nadesca-
I've actually just started making a schedule today actually. It was kind of fun. I do focus on my kids quite a bit. When I have them its easier to keep my mind busy, but the times when I don't have them are when its tough. I try and think of the good in my life and aside from my kids, I have a hard time thinking of anything.
Thanks for the words both of you, much appreciated.
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