The last few days have been anything but ordinary. Before I explain, let me provide the back story. I'll change the names to protect the innocent, so the girl I've blogged about in the past and referred to as "Her" we'll call Christine. I started seeing Christine in January of 2006. We had lots of ups and downs and in the summer of 2006, we split up. I met another girl, I'll call Sybil and we dated for awhile. I began to miss Christine, so I broke up with Sybil and went back to her. From then until now I have flip flopped between the two of them. I realized a few months back that Christine was the one I wanted to be with and as I've written here, I waited for her to make up her mind on what she wanted. After a few weeks, I guess I got scared or impatient, I didn't want to end up alone, so I started talking to Sybil behind Christine's back. I told Sybil things that I thought she wanted to hear, like I love you and I want to be with you, get married, etc.
On Tuesday, Christine came over to my house to talk. I was tired of not knowing what she wanted and couldn't handle the uncertainty and I told her as much. She straight up asked me if I was talking to Sybil. I told her I was, she had a few choice words for me and then left.
On Wednesday, Christine and I text messaged each other throughout the day and she agreed to go with my to my uncle's house that night to watch the Spurs game. We had a good time, drank way to much and by the end of the night, we were in my front seat of my car having sex. Right in the middle of it, my phone rang. I knew it was Sybil and Christine knew as well. She got pissed off naturally and wanted to talk to her. For some reason I called her out on it and dialed Sybil's number. Both of them had quite the conversation, basically exposing me for what I was..a manipulating, heartless, selfish, liar. Since Christine rode with me to my uncles, I had to give her a ride home. I guess it was a combination of the alcohol and me realizing that I was caught, but I began to feel full of rage. As I sped home I told her that she wouldn't make it home. This obviously scared her so she jumped out of the car and called a friend to take her home.
The rage was growing more and more by the minute, so instead of just going home, I drove to my father's house. I gave his car a few hard punches and then banged on his front door. He was afraid to open the door, so he spoke with it closed asking me what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to let me in and he said no and said to just go home. I started to cool down at this point so I ended up leaving..after punching his car again and bending his antenna.
On Thursday, Christine and I text messaged each other again and we agreed that we had to meet and talk, so we made plans to meet after I got out of work. Little did I know that Sybil and Christine had exchanged numbers and had talked to each other most of the day and compared notes, if you will. Sybil also wanted to meet me after work to talk, so I met up with her first. I saw a side of her I had never seen before. Long gone was the submissive girl who would believe whatever I told her. She went off on me, telling me she never wanted to see or hear from me again. We parted ways a few minutes later and I headed to meet up with Christine at a restaurant/bar.
Christine and I talked for a while, she asked me questions and I gave her honest answers. After we had been talking for a half hour or so, she told me that she had lied and had had sex with another guy while we weren't talking earlier this year and that she was talking to people at the moment...not dating them supposedly, but just talking to them on the phone. As soon as these words left her mouth, that was all I could think about. We said our goodbyes and I left to meet up with a friend at a bar and then I came home.
So yeah, an interesting few days. Trying to hold on to both of them to avoid being alone has actually caused me to be alone. Whats going through my head now is the double standard. I mean, I think of Christine being with someone else and the thought sickens me. Then I think, wait a minute, look at me and the things I've done.
So where does that leave me now? I want to be "normal" but sometimes I don't think I'll ever change. There will always be another woman who will buy into my bullshit and the pattern will continue to repeat itself. When is it ever enough? I don't understand how or why I am emotionally hollow.
I told my dad that he would end up a lonely old man....maybe I need to look into the mirror myself.
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