So I'm sitting at my computer getting ready to write this post. I had yahoo open and all of a sudden i get the notification that She was on. As soon as I saw her name, it was as if my heart stopped. Its been a few weeks since I last talked to her but there hasn't been a day that goes by when I don't think of her in some way or another. Seeing her name today was sort of a wake up call though. A wake up call saying that she was no longer in my life.
I also heard from Sybil today. I got a text saying "are you ok?" I replied back saying that she didn't care, but yes I was fine. We talked for a minute or two and she told me that she couldn't be my friend, that maybe sometime later on we could but not anytime soon. Immediately the borderline kicked in, the switched turned on and instead of my thinking that I really hurt this girl and understanding, my thoughts turned into ones that she was abandoning me so screw her. I said something to the effect of see ya and then hung up on her.
Finally the married girl came over last night to do some homework. After awhile it was like I had no control of myself. I took her to my room and we ended up having sex..this time however I finished but left it in. What the fuck was I thinking? What would happen if she got pregnant? Of course during the act these things didn't cross my mind. Afterwards however, I was flooded by them. I felt guilty,shamed and just bad.
4 comments:
Not a judgment, but an honest question...are you seeing a therapist? The blog serves as a journal, which is probably helping immensely, but I wondered if you were supplementing that with therapy. Seems like these patterns imitate addiction pretty closely and they make those people go through 12 steps and even then it's a day-by-day process.
Do you read book about borderline and Addictive disorder? there is some good self help book out there. I don't have access to good therapists so I have tons of self help book on borderline and mental illness. They have help me more than no one really understand. But when there a will there is a way. email me I'm here to help you out!!
The cycle continues. I think seeing a therapist would also be best. As Adrian said above, the 12 steps would be something that you need to go through. Meaning, you would have to abstain. This is a downward spiral you are continuously in. You are not only hurting and confusing your self, you are in turn screwing with someone else's head. This is only going to lead to an episode of depression, followed by calling several women trying to have them feel bad for you.(then sleep with you to fill that void) Then when the one's you want to pay the most attention don't you will get mad and lose it, followed by another session of promiscuous or risky behavior. When are you going to attempt happiness? When you say you want to be happy, what does that entail? Try setting a goal for that happiness. Try and take charge. It almost seems as if you black out and there are never any consequences to your behavior. Make borders, recognize them, and stop before it happens. I feel for you, but you are the one who must do it for yourself. No one but you can do this.
Adrian,
I'm not seeing a therapist, can't afford one since i don't have insurance. This journal does in fact help, but i'll admit, i know both girls have read it from time to time so sometimes I say stuff because of the fact. I do feel like I am addicted now that you mention it...addicted to women and addicted to hurting them.
Nadcesca,
I sent you an email btw. Anyhow, I've read "I hate you, don't leave me" and "borderline personality disorder demystified" I could have written both of them myself..they describe me to the letter..its just hard because some days i really don't want to get better.
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