The great manipulator

If Reagan was the great communicator, I'm the great manipulator and I'm not proud of it. I look back over the years at how I've treated people and I'm embarrassed. I treated people as if they had no feelings of their own, as if they were disposable. It was almost like a game to me. Lets see how I can manipulate this person into doing what I want them to. When I finally succeeded, I considered them weak or below me and I threw thew away like garbage. I always had to be the one in control and I think I subconsciously chose to date women who I thought would be submissive. Aside from my marriage, the longest relationship I was in was a year and a half. Looking back, I think the reason it lasted so long wasn't because our love was so great for one another. It was people she was a strong willed woman and didn't cave in to my demands. In fact, it was as if the roles were reversed and she was the one controlling me. It took me 31 years to realize that a relationship should not be like this. Both of us should be at the same level. I used to almost feel proud of how heartless I was..now I feel ashamed.

I screwed up last night. I went to my friends to watch the fight and had way too many beers. I picked up my phone and sent her 3 texts over a 20 minute time frame.

1. Let me know if you want to watch the fight.

2. Please

3. Guess you are on a date or something, I'll leave you alone.

I woke up this morning, vaguely remembering sending them. When I checked my sent messages I felt like a complete idiot. She called me earlier today and before I even said hello, I told her I was sorry for sending those message. Her response was "there's always something with you" We talked for another few minutes, but didn't mention anything about us really. Her closing words were "I'll talk to you later" I've got to quit drinking if I really want to get better. I've been drunk for the past five nights in a row. I've got to stop.

Here are a few select lyrics from the song "Creatures" by 311. I think it could be my theme song, or any borderlines for that matter.

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes I go a little crazy
It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand
Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down
It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you
I go a little crazy