Comfortably Numb

"All is caprice. They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason."

Didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so I'm doing it first thing in the morning today. To recap the last few days, I finally heard from her on Tuesday. We exchanged texts for awhile and she was still unsure, but wanted to meet up with me for a little bit. I suggested we meet up after work for a few drinks, which we did. It was kind of awkward at first, but after we had a few beers down, we loosened up. She seemed to mostly talk about the bad stuff that happened between us in the past year and I tried to focus on the good stuff. I'll be the first to admit, I didn't always treat her to nice and hurt her emotionally quite a bit. I took her for granted I guess, thinking she would always be there, but I guess a person can only take so much.

After a few hours, we hadn't really reached any real conclusion, but it was getting late, so it was time to go. I walked her out to her car and we both got in the front seat. Next thing you know we start making out and for a brief moment, things seemed to be "back to normal" Then she threw a curve ball. She said "You know we aren't going to talk tomorrow, right?" To say I was caught off guard would be the understatement of the year. My brain, already numb due to the alcohol was struggling to process this information. I don't really remember what my response was, but I think it was something along the lines of "oh". Naturally things got awkward again and I looked her in the eyes and said goodbye. It was a strange goodbye, almost felt like it was the final goodbye.

I went back to my car still stunned. I tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail. All of a sudden a rage built up and consumed me. My mom happened to call as I was leaving and I went off on her. For a good 10 minutes, I yelled at her, mostly about how much I hate my life and asking her why she would beat my sister and I as kids. I ended up hanging up on her and started to drive to my dad's house. I was like a man possessed. I wanted to really lay into him, like I did my mom. I parked outside his house, but at the last minute I changed my mind. I knew if I was actually face to face with him and was in the current mood, I would assault him and destroy everything I could find in his house. Since I didn't really feel like being arrested, I went ahead and went home and passed out.

On Wednesday, I didn't hear from her(my girlfriend or whatever she is now). I had school and I went with a renewed energy. I went to a restaurant to watch some basketball and have a few beers, but this time I left peacefully. I'm glad I got to talk to her/see her on Tuesday. At this point, I'd say the odds of her completely ending the relationship are 99%. I think the hardest part in dealing with this is that she was also my best friend. This was something I never really had in previous relationships, they were just my girlfriend/wife. If she chooses to leave me, I'm going to miss her friendship the most. My kids also adore her and their faces light up every time they see her. If she chooses to end it, I hope that she will talk to them and hopefully make it a little easier for them to deal with.

I have a psych eval with a doctor this coming tuesday, which should be interesting. I have heard some good things about Prozac and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm going to push for that. I'm also hoping he can refer me to a therapist that specializes in BPD. The road to recovery begins now.