The gift

Its kind of funny how things have a way of working out. I had a few jobs yesterday and as I was driving back from one of them, I had to drive past my school. I saw students walking to and from class and it really got me down that I was not one of them. I tried to shake it off the rest of the day, but it seemed to be in the back of my mind throughout the rest of the day. I even had thoughts of pulling out my emergency bag of pills and ending it later that night. Anyhow, I was in my room that evening when my grandmother came and told me that my uncles was here. This wasn't the uncle that used to live with us, but the uncle who owns the house we live at. I thought it was kind of strange for her to tell me this, but I went out to say hello. He said he had heard about my $1 financial aid and asked if I was able to register. I told him no, and that I would have to wait until the Fall II semester to go. Both him and my aunt both have Master's degrees and their 2 kids as well, so education is obviously very important to them. He then proceeds to tell me how he and my aunt wanted to help me out and he pulled out a check for $420. My initial reaction was to say that I couldn't it. I wanted to, but pride set in and I was also ashamed at the fact that I basically blew the money I had saved up for tuition. He insisted and I reluctantly accepted it. I am just not used to people doing nice things for me. I thanked him repeatedly as I fought to hold back tears. I'm even starting to tear up just writing this. It was a very humbling experience and one that I will never forget.

The delete

It has been suggested that I have an addiction to women. What does an addict do when they try to get better? They cut off access to whatever it is they are addicted to. This is what I did today. I started by changing my phone number. Then I gave my number out only to "safe" people. This would be family, friends and girls I didn't have or won't have any history with. Finally I deleted all the number of girls that I had history with. Hopefully this will prevent ill advised drunk booty calls and stop the pattern from repeating itself.

It was kind of like therapy in a way, going through each number. As I was deleting them, I took a minute to look back and think of them. I wondered what "she" was up to..how nursing school was going. I thought about the married girl and was wondering how things were going with her husband,etc. The more time passes, the more I look back on my past relationship in a positive way. I remember the good times more than the bad. I can only hope that over time they will do the same.

The drunk

Today was what should have been my first day back to school. Since I can't go until the Fall II semester, I spent most of the day in bed, depressed. I felt like I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. I guess I was mad at myself more than anything...mad for blowing money when i should have used it for school. oh well, whats done is done and I cant do anything about it. Anyhow, I lost track of the days of being sober, but that ended this past weekend. My ex wife took the kids down to the beach for the weekend and she let me stay at her house, which was nice. On Friday night, I went to a party and ran into a girl that Sybil knew. I was chatting with her and then she started telling me how Sybil "got around" when they used to hang out. Being borderline and hearing this is bad enough but throw alcohol in the mix and its not a pretty site. I remained calm at the party but my mood immediately changed. I lef and went home after only being there an hour or so. It ruined the night. Of course once I got home I called Sybil and gave her a piece of my mind. I don't really remember much of the conversation except for calling her a whore,slut,etc. We had a long chat last night and basically I told her to pretend that I didn't exist anymore. I can't be friends with her. Even if I met another girl down the road and I found out she was dating someone, I would get pissed and try to get back with her...at least thats what has always happened in the past.

The broke

So I stopped by my kids house Saturday morning to pick them up for the weekend. Their mom opens the door and starts bawling. Saying how she can't afford daycare and how its so hard doing it alone. I immediately felt guilty. I told her that I would be right back, went to the nearest ATM, withdrew most of the money I had saved up for school and gave it to her. During this whole time, it was as if I was in a trance..kinda hard to explain, but I had a strange feeling, almost like I was floating. Anyhow I reminded her that I quit my career not because I was lazy but because I felt if I didn't, I would end up dead. She said thanks and then I left with the kids. At this point I have no idea what I'm going to do for school, but I did what I felt I had to do. She has been there for me and helped me out countless times.
The kids and I pretty much chilled out most of the day, went to the park for a bit. I noticed myself being really on edge with them early on in the day. Getting after them for small things. I told them I need to take a break for a little while. I went in my room and relaxed for a while trying to calm myself down. It worked because the rest of the day went fine. We spend a good part of today hanging out at my friends pool, which was nice. I didn't really have anything planned for today, so it worked out well.

Oh and I'm still sober..lost track of the days but I think its around 5.

The sobriety part 2

Another sober day in the books. I have to admit, it was nice to wake up this morning and not feel like crap. The question is, how long can I keep this up? My problem is that when I do things, like drink/eat junk food, I go all out. No moderation whatsoever, all or nothing. I think the fact that school is starting soon and I basically blew my tuition on alcohol is really starting to sink in. Kind of makes it easier to resist. It was also starting to affect my appearance. I was always looking worn out,face seemed puffy, I felt like I was looking my age. Will I make it 3 days in a row? We'll have to wait and see, but its looking good so far.

I found out for sure for sure today that I got the spinal cord injury job. I had to work at the clinic today and really wanted to tell my boss. Its still a month away I imagine, but he has been really good to me and I want to give him plenty of time to find a replacement. What does suck at work is that I told my coworkers about the engagement and they keep asking me how things are going. Naturally I say, they are fine. I figure I will just wait it out and when I run into them later on I can tell them it didn't work out.

The sobriety

Good news. Today is the first time i haven't had a drink in about a week. I drank for a good 4 hours yesterday and spent most of today feeling like crap. I look back at the money I spent on alcohol the last month and I could have easily paid my tuition with it. Lets see what else is going on...I talked to Sybil a few times yesterday. I don't really remember much of what was said. Chatted with her online for a few minutes this morning and that was it. I gave the ring to my daughter, so that pretty much ended things for good. Just another day in my crazy life.

The break up

Don't know how else to but it, but the wedding is off. I guess it was bound to happen. What really started things off was when her ex husband came into town this past Thursday. I called her just to see how she was doing and I got her voicemail. No big deal, left her a message. An hour had gone by and I hadn't heard from her, so I called again and got the voicemail. Sent a text..no response. More time passed and I called one last time...voicemail. I was pretty pissed off at this point since I now had trust issues because of the whole "my friend" incident. I finally got a text from her saying how her and her ex were talking about their son and that she would call me in a bit. This really set me off. I didn't think I was asking for much, I would have been happy if she just would have answered and said, hey we are talking about the baby, so I'll call you later. There is nothing I hate more than being purposely ignored. Later that night she called and I was obviously upset and let her know it. She tried to turn it around on me and said how she didn't trust me because of stuff I did in the past. Then it hit me...she doesn't trust me, I didn't trust her...thats kind of important if not everything in a marriage. I told her that I would be by tomorrow to pick up the ring and she said that she would meet me that night to give it to me. We met at a gas station a few minutes later, no words were spoken and we left just as fast as we arrived.

I spent just about all of Friday in bed. I wasn't sleepy, I was just worn out,depressed and bored. I felt totally alone and it was driving me crazy, so I went by my kids house that night and hung out for a few hours watching dvd's. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until around 11. I killed some time on the computer for awhile and then spent the rest of the day at a friends bbq. There was plenty of alcohol so by the time I left I was pretty trashed and I made the drunk dial to her. She didn't answer after a few calls and when she finally did, she said her ex and her were watching a movie. I went off on her, calling her whore,slut,bad mom...everything I could think of. Of course I didn't really mean it but it felt good to get it out of my system. She called me and alcoholic and that actually made me think. I have drank every day for the last week. Not until I'm passed out or anything, but just a 6 pack, mostly out of boredom I guess.

I feel like I'm in out of control mode,especially when it comes to driving. There are some curvy roads near my house and I love to just floor it and see how far I can push it. When I do this, a weird feeling comes over me. My heart rate slows,I feel numb and almost like I'm in a trance. Its like I'm daring God in a way. When I let off the gas I return to normal and its as if I blacked out for a few seconds.

I met with the spinal cord clinic people last week. It went well and basically the job is mine as long as I pass the background/drug test, which I will. They are trying to get it open in mid September. I got denied financial aid and I screwed off all the money I had set aside for tuition, so I got dropped from the classes I was registered for. I try not to think about all that but I know I need to. I kinda feel like I'm just here taking up space and I have no sense of direction.

I feel alone.

The Friend

An interesting incident happened the other day. I didn't write about it at the time since it was the same day as the memorial for my friends son, but today I want to let it all out. After the memorial, I called Sybil and she was at McDonald's for her sons birthday and she invited me over. I was bummed from the events of the day but told her I would stop by anyhow. So I get there and we hang out for a bit. She has her cell phone and wanted to show me a video of her son. She is flipping through the videos when I see one of some young guy for a brief moment. She then quickly flips to the next one. I asked who that guy was and her response was simply "my friend" I paused and said which one? Her response again was "my friend" Now I've lied and manipulated enough people in my life to know when I'm not being told the truth. I sat there for a minute and then got up and said I was leaving and I headed out the door to my car. As I was getting in, she comes out in the parking lot and asked what was wrong? Again, I asked her who that guy was and she said it was her friend. I asked if they had dated and she said no. I was pissed off, didn't believe her, so I left.

I talked to her for a little bit the next day and we agreed we needed to get together and talk about things. I have my kids this weekend so between the two of us we didn't have much time. Last night I woke up at 4am wide awake thinking about things. I sent her a text but she was asleep so I didn't hear from her until around 8 or so when she called. Once again I asked her who that guy was. I told her that I want to know the truth because it would be better to find it out now than to find out later on. She then said what I knew all along...that they had dated while we were broken up. I then hung up the phone as soon as I heard that as a natural reaction. Anyway after talking a bit more it turns out that this guy was in fact a friend of hers but one night while they were drunk, they made out. They never went out on any dates or anything..at least that what she tells me.

So that leads me to where i am now. I feel confused, betrayed and hurt. Of course she was quick to remind me of all the times I lied and screwed her over but as messed up as it sounds, its like those rules don't apply to me. there is nothing I hate more than being lied to. When I catch someone lying,and I always do, it really really pisses me off. When you lie to someone its because you think they are stupid and that you won't get caught, at least thats how I see it. I hate being played as the fool. Anyhow borderline was in full effect during this whole mess. Its weird because I could actually feel it kicking in. You know that feeling when you are going down a big drop on a roller coaster? Thats how I felt. Almost like a high of sorts. I went from thinking she was the most perfect girl in the world to thinking she was just like every other girl thats been in my life...worthless.

So where do I go from here? Well I imagine that for normal people you just get together and talk about things until you work them out, but thats just not the borderline way of doing things.

The suicide

So I get a call from a good friend of mine yesterday. I don't have too many friends, but this guy I consider one of my best ones. Worked with him for 3 1/2 years. Anyhow, the conversation started out normal enough, I said whats up and he said its been a rough week. I asked him why and he said his son. His oldest son had gotten into trouble a few times over the years so I asked him "is he getting into trouble again?" His response was no, he committed suicide. I was speechless..i mumbled something along the lines of "what the fuck?" He told me his sons doctor put him on prozac 6 weeks ago and he thinks it was a factor. I have to say I agree. When I was on it, I never felt so depressed or suicidal. He told me how the memorial was going to be that night and I told him that I would be there. I came home and that was all I could think about. I'm not sure if this upset me so much because he is a close friend or because I have kids and would never want to experience that. Probably a combination of both. I was sleepy so I tried laying down but I just couldn't. My heart was raising and I had a hard time breathing. I just couldn't get it out of my head. This really affected me in ways that words just don't describe. I decided to get out of bed, pick up my kids and we spend the rest of the afternoon together. The first thing I did was give them both a big hug and tell them how much I love them. I thought back on the times that I got after them for silly things and felt terrible. I thought of the times when I myself wanted to end it all. If I felt this bad when this happened to my friend, how would my kids feel if this happened to daddy?

Talk about a wake up call.

The decisions

There are going to be some big decisions made in the next week or so. Had my interview today for the computer job. It went fine, not sure if they will make me an offer or not and honestly not sure if I would accept it. I also heard from the spinal cord clinic..they will be in town next week to interview me. Hard to say for sure at this point, but from the sound of it, its a formality. She told me that the training would be in San Diego more than likely and that the clinic would open in mid September. Both of these opportunities have a huge impact in what classes I will be taking this fall. I really want the spinal cord job to work out as thats directly in my field of study. On the other hand, the computer job would pay well and I could easily save up money for all the wedding expenses in a month or two. I should know more next week.

My uncle moved out today, so I spend a good couple of hours helping him move his stuff in. He offered to pay me, but even though I'm not too crazy about him, he's still family so I refused.

Things are still going well with Sybil. We decided on a date, May 31. Other than that, just another typical day in my borderline life.