The lyrics

Nothing left to say
And all Ive left to do
Is run away
From you

And she led me up, down
With secrets I cant keep
Close your eyes and sleep
Dont wait up for me
Hush now dont you speak
To me

Wrap my hurt in you
And took my shelter in that pain
The opiate of blame
Is you broken heart, your heart

So now Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
Ill betray my tears
To anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss for me...yeah
One last kiss good night

Didnt want to lose you once again
Didnt want to be your friend
Fulfill a promise made of tears
And crawled back to you

Now Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
And Ill betray myself
To anyone, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again
On that you can depend on me
Until the bitter, bitter end
When good sleeps in bliss

And Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
And Ill betray myself
To anyone

The children

The whole situation with my dad has really got me thinking the last few days. While I do my best to be the best dad I can be, I still will catch myself being lazy. Today I was determined not to let that happened. I still have the kids for the weekend and they were with me all day because of the holiday. I took them to the park for a while, we threw the football around quite a bit and we spent a few hours at my uncles house. I think there is a difference between being there for your kids and "being there" for your kids. I try to spend every day with them as if it was the last, as cliche as it may sound. Too many parents take their kids for granted. The old adage that "they grow up so fast" is so damn true.

I'm not sure if it is the Prozac or the Trileptal, but I have been getting incredibly tired during the day. I have been sleeping great at night, getting a good 8-9 hours. I wake up and am fine for a few hours, but by lunchtime I'm exhausted and usually end up falling asleep for an hour or 2. I'm not sure what all I can do. I do feel like the meds are helping though, so a little drowsiness is more than a fair trade off.

The spill

A less dramatic day today. My father replied to my email, but to be honest I haven't read it yet. I'm not really sure why, but I suppose I will...some day. I'm just not ready right now. I've noticed that the borderline switch can occur with anyone and not just a women I am in a relationship with. I was having a fun time at dinner tonight when a glass of water accidentally spilled on the table and some ended up on my shorts. You would have thought it was the end of the world. Luckily I didn't made a big scene, but my initial reaction was one of anger and I wanted to just get up and leave the restaurant. Seems pretty silly looking back on it. Accidents happen and I'm glad that I'm finally able to recognize trigger points and so far have been able to control them.

The letter

Here is a copy of the letter I wrote my father and emailed to him yesterday. I felt strange as I was writing it, almost light headed, but by the time I was done I felt peaceful. I haven't heard back from him or from anyone in the family yet, but I'm sure he's read it by now. Without further ado:



I'm writing this letter to tell you that I am cutting off all ties to you. You have

failed me as a father for as long as I can remember. I am convinced that one of the biggest

reasons I am suffering from mental illness is due to the effect you had on me. When I say

suffer, I mean I literally suffer, you have no idea. Your actions never cease to amaze me. I

don't understand how someone can be so selfish and inconsiderate their whole life. You are

going to die a lonely old man. You can only burn so many bridges before there are none left.

Do you remember when i was around 6 years old and you made me touch you? How about when I was

10 and you would shower with me? There is not a fucking day that goes by that I don't think

about that. You really need psychiatric help. Here is my theory on why you are so fucked up.

You realized you were gay or a cross dresser when you were young. Because you didn't want to

dissapoint grandma, you got married and have basically spent your whole life living a lie to

appease her. This must have frustrated you, so you took it out on your family. Now before you

start saying I'm not gay or whatever, don't waste your breathe, I'm not stupid, I've seen the

physical evidence. You are only kidding yourself.

I have never forgotten the time when I was getting divorced and needed somewhere to

stay. I asked you and instead of saying "of course" like most parents would, you suggested I

stay at my uncles. Of course I knew the reason behind this, you were selfish and didn't want me

to be a cock blocker, for lack of a better term. You also put way too much importance on

money and material possesions. You do know that when you die they don't go with you right?

You always bitch about not having money or make sure I pay you back, yet you have a whole

house full of crap. Here I am barely getting by and you make it a point of letting me know

that you expect me to pay you back for the books you bought for me. I honestly had no

intention of paying your sorry ass back. I figure its the least you could do. A parent should

be willing to help out their children and be there for them no matter what. You have taught

me how to be a good father by showing me how a bad father should act. I cannot ever imagine

treating my kids the way you have treated me. It just blows my mind. You wonder why my

sister doesn't have much contact with you? Its probably because she realized a long time ago how worthless you are.

As far as I'm concerned you have lost a son and two grandchildren, so enjoy your life

of selfishness. I'm writing you this letter instead of telling you in person for your own

safety. There is no doubt in my mind that if I was face to face with you I would destroy you.

and frankly, you aren't worth going to jail for.

Don't bother calling, writing or trying to get in contact with me. I'm washing my hands of

you. I hope you look back on your life and think of all that you wasted and all of the people

you have fucked over and I hope it makes you feel like shit.

The father

Like I mentioned earlier, yesterday was dad's birthday. It came and went without a phone call from me and I did not attend the get together. I spoke with my mom today and she told me how my sister called him to wish him a happy birthday. She said he went off on her, saying something along the lines of fuck this, you kids don't care, etc. He is a real piece of work. I have no doubt that he has some sort of mental illness as well, dude is just not right in the head. On a positive note, he has made me a better father by showing me how a father should NOT act. If I'm ever going to get better, I think I need to confront him and let go of all of my feelings. I will probably have to write a letter instead of face to face. I could see myself being out of control and don't feel like going to jail for his sorry ass. The way I see it, he'll get his one of these days.

The end

Well, well, well...yesterday was quite the test for me. Things started out ok, dropped the kids off at school, went to work and came home. I was "up" most of the day and it felt really great. Anyhow, I went to my uncles house to watch the Spurs game and thats where the fun began. She sent me a text saying how she was going to watch her friends son baseball game. I responded saying that she was invited to come over and watch the game when she was done. No response. I figured, no big deal and had a good time watching the game and having a few beers. A little later I sent her a (drunk) message saying"i have to admit I'm a little disappointed, but oh well, I'm used to it". Still no response. I figured, what the hell, so I picked up the phone and called her. It rang twice, the phone picked up and then I got hung up on without a word. I thought, there is no way she would hang up on me, maybe it was an accident. So I waited a minute and called back. Her phone was turned off and it went straight to voice mail. I was stunned, I could feel the anger building up in me. My breathing sped up and my skin turned red. I took several deep breathes and stepped outside for a minute to get some fresh air. When I came back in the house, I felt a sense of peace come over me. It was as if things made sense now. I realized that it is over with us.

The party

Long day today. My ex wife hired me to help her move stuff from her old house to her new one. I was exhausted by the time I was done, but it worked out great because now i have enough money to cover tuition for the summer I session.

An tough situation has come up. This week is both my uncle and my dad's birthday and there is a get together for them on Thursday. I really really don't want to be there around my father but on the other hand, I hate to not be there because of my uncle. My uncle has even told me thats its probably best for me to cut off all ties to my dad and that he would understand if I didn't go, but its not that easy. Their mother, my grandmother is 90 years old as is basically the queen of the family. You don't ever want to piss her off because she can hold a grudge like no other. Obviously if I skip the party, she will disown me. I know it seems kind of extreme, but you really don't know her. At this point I have no idea what I'm going to do. The thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I have a few more days to figure it out at least, so only time will tell.

The drunk dial

Went to my uncles house to watch the Spurs game last night. I had to drive past Her house on the way home and to my surprise, her car was not there. I was immediately pissed off because she had told me she couldn't drive her car anywhere since it was wrecked. I tried calling her and it went straight to voicemail. In my drunken state I left her a mean message. She called this morning wondering what the hell? She said she had to take her sister to run some errands and her phone battery died. I believe her, but it still lead to a long conversation which ended up with me still feeling like shit because I am a secret. She told me the other day that if we were officially together(whatever that means) then she would tell her family. I'm not buying that, I think its just an excuse. I'm not sure what I want at this point. I think the worst part is that we may never know what could have been since we never really had a fair shot. Guess thats life sometimes.

Had a good day overall though, took my daughter to her soccer game and then took her to see Shrek the Third, which was hilarious. Things have been okay here at my house lately, but that may be due to the fact that I am rarely ever home. Aside from the stuff with Her, things have been on the up and up lately...its about time.

The diet

My diet has really really sucked the last month or so. Its really strange, because for the last 6 years I have followed a super strict regimen of perfect diet and intense workouts, almost to the point of becoming obsessive. I mean, I even had a spreadsheet where I logged all my meals to the gram. Lately, I've really slacked off and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I just got burned out on it or if its stress/depression related or what. I would say I eat poorly maybe 40% of the time as opposed to maybe 5% the last few years. The worst part is, when I eat bad, I eat really bad. I just finished a Big Mac, Double Cheeseburger and fries a little while ago actually. I know I'm disciplined and frankly vain enough not to let myself go completely, but its starting to piss me off.

I talked to Her a few times today. Earlier this evening, she told me she was going to go hang out at her sisters house for a while. Just a few weeks ago, her doing this caused me to flip out, but today it wasn't a big deal for some reason. I don't know if the medication is working or if I've just become indifferent.

The side job

Interesting day today. Even though I "retired" from the I.T. world, I still work as an independent contractor doing jobs on the side. It sucks, but it pays well. Anyhow, I had a job this morning to replace a display on a laptop. I printed out the instructions on how to replace it and headed out to the job. I get out there, follow the steps to replace it and then I power it up to test it. To my dismay, their was nothing at all on the display. All of a sudden I felt an episode coming on. I started to sweat, but I got the chills at the same time. My heart rate sped up and I began to breathe heavily. The only thing I could think about was getting the hell out of there. Of course I knew it wouldn't be that easy because if I just got up and left, I would be more than likely be suspended or terminated by the company that routes the jobs to me. I ended up telling the customer that the part was defective and we would have to have a new one ordered. I am the type that hates confrontation. I really didn't feel like calling the company whom I was doing the job for and explaining to them, so I just updated the work order saying that it didn't work and and the part must have been defective. I requested that they route the work order to another tech as I would be out of town for the next week. At this point I have no idea if everything will be cool or if I will get termed by the company. I'm hoping it will work out as I really depend on these jobs to make ends meet. Its always something...

I also spoke with Her today. She wanted to get out of the house and suggested we go to the park for a hike. I didn't have anything else going on so I accepted. I felt kind of strange for some reason, I didn't feel like myself...felt really mellow. We hiked a few miles then rested and talked for awhile. We didn't talk about us much, just about random things. Later she suggested grabbing a few margaritas, so we went and had a few. I started to loosen up a bit and we had a really good time. Its like her heart wants to be with me, but her brain tells her no. Not much I can do at this point but wait it out, but for each day that goes by, I feel we are growing further and further apart.

?

Got a few texts from her today, met her for a few drinks, she left mad, I left confused. Other than that, a great day

The estimate

Today was pretty good overall. I was really tired though. I try to take my Trileptal around 8 or so, but didn't take it until close to 10pm last night. I ended up taking 3 naps as a result. Oh well, its nice to not have school for a few weeks. Speaking of school, I got my grades for this last semester and got a B in math and an A in English. I have no idea how that happened but I was happy. I was thinking I would get 2 C's.
I had planned to go with my uncle today to get an estimate from the body shop on his car. I woke up and remembered I had a side job and also needed to take my daughter to her therapist appointment, so I figured I would go with him on Wednesday. I get out of bed and the first thing my grandma says is "are you going to be able to see about the car today?" I know my grandma means well, but it really annoyed me for some reason. Instead of blowing up, I was calm about it. I called my ex wife and arranged for her to take my daughter to her appointment and my uncle and I went to get an estimate after my job. I was expecting the damage to only be a few hundred dollars, but I was wrong. They ranged from $550 to $835. I knew there was no way I could pay this out of pocket.
It's funny just how fast my mind works. Once I heard what the estimates were, my brain started racing. Instead of analyzing the situation, I immediately went extreme. I though, great I'm going to have to quit school for the summer, quit my job and get a full time job. All this happened within a few seconds. Anyway, I came back down to earth and I let my ex know the damage. She finally told me it was okay to use the insurance to cover it, but she would be dropping the insurance afterwards. Thats a huge weight off my shoulders.

Put to the test

Had an eventful day today. Started off fairly normal, went to church then to lunch with the family for mother's day. On our way home from lunch, I'm driving and I hear POP coming from my car and I knew I had a blowout. I was a good 4-5 miles from home, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot. I could feel an episode starting to come on. Hard to explain, but its just a feeling i had inside me. I knew I had no spare and figured most tire shops would be closed on a Sunday. My first instinct was to want to yell and hit something. Surprisingly, I was very calm. I analyzed the situation and placed a call to my mom of all people. She was able to make some calls and find a shop that was still open. She came by, picked up my tire and had them put a new one on. I was quite pleased how I handled myself. Baby steps...

Didn't hear from Her at all yesterday, but sent her a text while i was stranded and "chatted" with her for a bit. It was funny because she gave me the same advice I had given her just last week...sometimes you have to ask people for help.

In the real world

Strange day yesterday in regards to Her. I talked to her a few times throughout the day and things once again seemed normal. I guess something is wrong with my phone because she sent me several texts and I didn't receive them until hours later. By that time I had already gone to the bar. I didnt completely overdo it, but I stayed there quite a long time. I didn't notice any weird side effects combining the prozac with alcohol, but I know I shouldn't be mixing them just to be safe. I got up early to take my daughter to her soccer game and then we came back to the house for the start of my kid weekend. My mood today is slightly up than down, which is nice. My energy level seems good and I feel like doing things besides just laying in bed.

In the real world

In dreams we do so many things
We set aside the rules we know
And fly the world so high
In great and shining rings

If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems

But in the real world
We must say our goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die

In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

When we were dreaming heart to heart
I wish that we had stayed right there
For when the dreamers do awake
The dreams do disappear

In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

Four things

Four things happened yesterday that really put me to the test.

1. Moving in with my sister is not going to happen after all. Turns out her landlord has already rented out her house to his assistant. So it looks like I'm stuck here indefinitely.

2. The other day I had my car started, put it in neutral with the emergency brake on and I went in the backseat to look for something. The car started rolling down the hill in front of my house and ended up running into my uncles car. Put a good size dent in the bumper. Initially he was cool and said "its just a car" I figured I could save up money over time and then pay for the damage. My insurance deductible is $500 and I think the damage is less than that. Anyhow, yesterday my grandma asked me twice who my insurance was with. I'm guessing he wants it fixed soon which sucks. I could pay for it sooner, but thats my tuition money. Normal people would probably just be like, lets work out something, but as a borderline, i went to the extreme and starting thinking, great, i'm going to have to quit school to pay for this.

3. I lost my drivers license and have no idea where it is. I need that license to pick up the parts for my side jobs at fedex. no side jobs=no extra money.

4. I heard from Her yesterday. We exchanged emails throughout the day...small talk mostly. After everything else that had happened yesterday, I was feeling really down and I really needed someone to talk to. I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She said she wasn't able too because she had wrecked her car the other day and wasn't sure if it would make it. She lives a few blocks away, but said she couldn't walk because there was a flash flood warning. This really made me feel like shit. I could have easily just gone to her house to pick her up, but I couldn't because I'm a secret to her family. I may have my flaws, but I think I deserve better than that...i know i deserve to be treated better than that.


I took my trileptal last night for the first time again. It kicked my butt, I slept in till 9am which is really late for me. Trileptal, along with Lexapro is what I overdosed on last year, so I made sure to give my pills to my grandparents to dispense. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Restricted

I got my meds yesterday morning. The doc started me out on 600mg of Trileptal and 20mg of Prozac. Usually they tell to take a certain dosage for a week or so, then they bump it up, but he didn't mention anything about that, seems like a pretty low dose, but we'll see. It's better than nothing.
Got a phone call yesterday morning, my caller ID said "Restricted" I answered it and it was Her. I asked her why she blocked her number and she replied that she was calling from home. This really made me feel like shit. To give some background, she lives with her parents. She is still legally married even though her and her husband have been separated for over a year. Because her parents are supposedly these hardcore Catholics and loved her husband, they never knew that her and I were dating. It was almost like I was having an affair...with my own girlfriend. I always hated this and the fact that she had to block her number reminded me of how shitty it felt. I still don't know why she blocked it. I'm guessing she blocked it because she didn't want me to go all crazy and call her house or something. Maybe she was afraid I would call and tell her parents how we dated off and on for over a year. I never did get an explanation, but I knew that I would never do that out of respect for her family. Anyway, that set the tone for the whole conversation, it felt really awkward. I am happy though that I didn't go all crazy and do something stupid like hang up on her. I wouldn't want things to end like that. I'm still waiting to find out what her decision is,but she has a ton of other things going on in her life, so understandable, I am kind of on the back burner. So I wait.

a visit to the doctor

I get up super early this morning, there is excitement in the air. It's the day of my much awaited psych eval. My appointment was at 8am and I was told before that I should be seen right away since I was the first appointment of the day. Didn't quite happen that way. I finally was called around 8:45, so I had a good hour to do nothing but sit in the waiting room and people watch. I must say, I felt pretty damn normal, compared with some of these cats. There was miss talkingtohearselfthewholetime lady, seated next to mr. haventseenashowerinmonths man, to name a few.
Anyhow, I get in to see the doctor and after getting asked the routine questions he tells me, I agree with your previous diagnosis of borderline, but I will have to put you down as Bipolar II because its easier to get funding that way. This really showed me how uncommon bpd must be. I just want the best treatment I can get and since I don't have insurance through a big company and have to depend on the county poor people coverage, my hands are pretty much tied. Anyhow, he gave me a script for Trileptal, which is what I took last year and felt it really helped, and he was also going to give me one for Celexa. I asked him what his thoughts on Prozac where instead. After reading this article
a while back, I really wanted to give it a shot and he agreed. Its going to be delivered tomorrow morning, so I can't wait to see the results. I'm looking forward to getting the placebo effect from taking it the first day or two, those are always great.
Aside from that, I just went to work, came home, slept for 3 hours and now am getting ready to go watch some basketball...not a bad day or not a great day today, but somewhere in between I guess. I heard from Her earlier in the day through texts, but nothing major. It's weird, the longer time goes by with her making the decision, the more i've started to accept it.

Up and down

Today was full of ups and downs. It started off down as I failed my math final with a 60. It was all my fault though as I hardly studied for it. It's like I know I need to but when it comes down to it, I don't feel motivated to do so. I've got to get myself together if I want to succeed in school. I need to get my priorities in better order. I need to take care of the things that I can control and let the others things take care of themselves. Anyhow, I did okay on my English final, not as well as I know I could have, but probably ended up with a B on it. After that I went to get my kids which lifted my spirits as it always does. I also got to talk with Her for a few minutes. Nothing about us really, but it was still nice to hear her voice. I'm hoping that once she is done with her finals, she will have some time to really think about what she wants. I've given up on pushing the issue with her, i figure i'll let it take its course. I do miss the hell out of her though. I go to my psych eval tomorrow morning, which I'm looking forward too. I'm really going to push for Prozac and Trileptal, but of course in the end its his call. I don't really feel much like writing tonight, don't really feel like doing much of anything..just want to be normal...and happy.

The great manipulator

If Reagan was the great communicator, I'm the great manipulator and I'm not proud of it. I look back over the years at how I've treated people and I'm embarrassed. I treated people as if they had no feelings of their own, as if they were disposable. It was almost like a game to me. Lets see how I can manipulate this person into doing what I want them to. When I finally succeeded, I considered them weak or below me and I threw thew away like garbage. I always had to be the one in control and I think I subconsciously chose to date women who I thought would be submissive. Aside from my marriage, the longest relationship I was in was a year and a half. Looking back, I think the reason it lasted so long wasn't because our love was so great for one another. It was people she was a strong willed woman and didn't cave in to my demands. In fact, it was as if the roles were reversed and she was the one controlling me. It took me 31 years to realize that a relationship should not be like this. Both of us should be at the same level. I used to almost feel proud of how heartless I was..now I feel ashamed.

I screwed up last night. I went to my friends to watch the fight and had way too many beers. I picked up my phone and sent her 3 texts over a 20 minute time frame.

1. Let me know if you want to watch the fight.

2. Please

3. Guess you are on a date or something, I'll leave you alone.

I woke up this morning, vaguely remembering sending them. When I checked my sent messages I felt like a complete idiot. She called me earlier today and before I even said hello, I told her I was sorry for sending those message. Her response was "there's always something with you" We talked for another few minutes, but didn't mention anything about us really. Her closing words were "I'll talk to you later" I've got to quit drinking if I really want to get better. I've been drunk for the past five nights in a row. I've got to stop.

Here are a few select lyrics from the song "Creatures" by 311. I think it could be my theme song, or any borderlines for that matter.

I'm not used to it, you'd think I'd be by now
The ins the outs the ups and the downs
I wanna make a mess
I wanna blow off stress
I wanna stoke the fire
Just creatures for a while
It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes I go a little crazy
It's something one won't understand
Unless there in it with me hand and hand
Don't buy the fear don't buy that my dear
The things you love you must keep near and
Carry on and you won't feel withdrawn
Even if you're coming down
It comes and goes and comes and goes
Sometimes
Sometimes I get a little out there
Sometimes I go off
Sometimes just like you
I go a little crazy

At peace

Had lunch with her yesterday, exchanged emails throughout the day and things seemed somewhat normal. I don't have my kids this weekend, so I wanted to do something friday night. I asked if she wanted to do something, but she said that since she doesn't know what she wants, that she didn't think it would be a good idea. I'm glad she was honest and didn't say something like she was studying or not feeling well. She ended up going to a club with friends and I ended up going out alone. She called me today to see how I was doing and we chatted for awhile. A few minutes later I called her. I asked if she had come to some conclusion yet and she said she still didn't know. The whole seeing each other/talking and then going back to nothing has really taken its toll on me. I told her to really think about what she wants and then call me when she's decided. As each day passes, I'm starting to accept that she doesn't want me. If she does it would be a shock, but such is life.

I found out some really good news yesterday. My sister rents a 3 bedroom house and her roommate is moving out at the end of this month. As long as her landlord is cool with it, I'm going to be moving out of my grandparents and in with her. I hope it all works out as I really feel getting out of my grandparents will be the best thing for me and my road to recovery.

Today was a strange day overall. I woke up early to take my daughter to her soccer game, then came home and spent most of the day in bed. Slept a little, looked at the ceiling alot. Finally got enough energy to go out and walk for a few miles. Overall it wasn't an up day or a down day, just somewhere in between I guess. Felt numb for the most part. I hate that.

Don't speak

"You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know "

Woke up yesterday and told myself, today is going to be a great day and it was for the most part. I was really energetic, had fun working with my patients and spent a good part of the day smiling. (I love up times) My hope is with the help of medication and therapy, most of my days will eventually be like this. Anyway, I came up, took a nap for a while and headed out to Applebees to watch some hoops and have a few beers. I realize that I have got to cut out alcohol or at least tone it down a bit. I think the reason I have drank the past 3 days is more out of boredom than anything. It gets me out of the house and helps take my mind off the situation with her.

Speaking of her, I had sent her a text earlier in the day letting her know my plans for the night and she surprised me by stopping by. We had a really fun time, laughed a lot and generally seemed to be enjoying each others company. By the end of the night, we ended up back at her car. No make out session this time, just talking. She said something that really made me think. She told me that she felt she left one situation(her marriage) because of the way she was poorly treated and ended up being in the exact same situation with me. It made me feel pretty bad. I can't go back in time and change things, I can only work on making them better in the future. I just hope she sticks around long enough to see this. It kind of feels like this is all some bad dream. i just want to wake up from it and have things be back to normal. It feels like a part of me is missing and I want it back.

Comfortably Numb

"All is caprice. They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason."

Didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so I'm doing it first thing in the morning today. To recap the last few days, I finally heard from her on Tuesday. We exchanged texts for awhile and she was still unsure, but wanted to meet up with me for a little bit. I suggested we meet up after work for a few drinks, which we did. It was kind of awkward at first, but after we had a few beers down, we loosened up. She seemed to mostly talk about the bad stuff that happened between us in the past year and I tried to focus on the good stuff. I'll be the first to admit, I didn't always treat her to nice and hurt her emotionally quite a bit. I took her for granted I guess, thinking she would always be there, but I guess a person can only take so much.

After a few hours, we hadn't really reached any real conclusion, but it was getting late, so it was time to go. I walked her out to her car and we both got in the front seat. Next thing you know we start making out and for a brief moment, things seemed to be "back to normal" Then she threw a curve ball. She said "You know we aren't going to talk tomorrow, right?" To say I was caught off guard would be the understatement of the year. My brain, already numb due to the alcohol was struggling to process this information. I don't really remember what my response was, but I think it was something along the lines of "oh". Naturally things got awkward again and I looked her in the eyes and said goodbye. It was a strange goodbye, almost felt like it was the final goodbye.

I went back to my car still stunned. I tried calling her but it went straight to voicemail. All of a sudden a rage built up and consumed me. My mom happened to call as I was leaving and I went off on her. For a good 10 minutes, I yelled at her, mostly about how much I hate my life and asking her why she would beat my sister and I as kids. I ended up hanging up on her and started to drive to my dad's house. I was like a man possessed. I wanted to really lay into him, like I did my mom. I parked outside his house, but at the last minute I changed my mind. I knew if I was actually face to face with him and was in the current mood, I would assault him and destroy everything I could find in his house. Since I didn't really feel like being arrested, I went ahead and went home and passed out.

On Wednesday, I didn't hear from her(my girlfriend or whatever she is now). I had school and I went with a renewed energy. I went to a restaurant to watch some basketball and have a few beers, but this time I left peacefully. I'm glad I got to talk to her/see her on Tuesday. At this point, I'd say the odds of her completely ending the relationship are 99%. I think the hardest part in dealing with this is that she was also my best friend. This was something I never really had in previous relationships, they were just my girlfriend/wife. If she chooses to leave me, I'm going to miss her friendship the most. My kids also adore her and their faces light up every time they see her. If she chooses to end it, I hope that she will talk to them and hopefully make it a little easier for them to deal with.

I have a psych eval with a doctor this coming tuesday, which should be interesting. I have heard some good things about Prozac and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm going to push for that. I'm also hoping he can refer me to a therapist that specializes in BPD. The road to recovery begins now.

wow

talked to her...saw her tonight..had a good time...night ended with " you know we aren't going to talk tomorrow, right?"

kind of lost right now...dumbfounded...don't know what else to say