The decision

Thanks in part to some great advice from my readers, I made the decision not to continue things with married girl. It was a mutual decision actually so it wasn't too bad. I'll be honest i really really really hope she doesn't get pregnant...i have no clue what the hell i would do or what she would do...it still pisses me me off..i mean what the hell was i thinking? I did bring that up when we talked and she said that she would be sure to tell me if in fact that happen. One more week of class left and then I will do what i have always done and erase her from my life completely.

The deep thought

Been doing some thinking about what happened the other night with married girl. I realized that its all about having control and power. With the married girl, I know that all it would take to ruin her life would for me to tell her husband that his wife is cheating on him. With Sybil, I had power because I knew that all I would have to do to ruin her life would be to call immigration and have her deported. With Her, I had power because I knew all i would have to do to ruin her life would be to tell her parents and husband that we had been dating for the last year.

This part I get. The reasoning behind it escapes me. Why do i crave th is so much? I feel like I am trying to punish people but i don't know why. I need to see a therapist that works with bpd but until i get insurance I'm afraid it just isn't going to happen.I really don't know what its going to take..wish there was a support group here in town..but i guess i can't change until i actually want to change. Its like I'm not happy unless there is some sort of drama in my life. I sit here and say how i want to change and i want to be happy but i know i really don't. i'm comfortable with being fucked up.

The women

So I'm sitting at my computer getting ready to write this post. I had yahoo open and all of a sudden i get the notification that She was on. As soon as I saw her name, it was as if my heart stopped. Its been a few weeks since I last talked to her but there hasn't been a day that goes by when I don't think of her in some way or another. Seeing her name today was sort of a wake up call though. A wake up call saying that she was no longer in my life.

I also heard from Sybil today. I got a text saying "are you ok?" I replied back saying that she didn't care, but yes I was fine. We talked for a minute or two and she told me that she couldn't be my friend, that maybe sometime later on we could but not anytime soon. Immediately the borderline kicked in, the switched turned on and instead of my thinking that I really hurt this girl and understanding, my thoughts turned into ones that she was abandoning me so screw her. I said something to the effect of see ya and then hung up on her.

Finally the married girl came over last night to do some homework. After awhile it was like I had no control of myself. I took her to my room and we ended up having sex..this time however I finished but left it in. What the fuck was I thinking? What would happen if she got pregnant? Of course during the act these things didn't cross my mind. Afterwards however, I was flooded by them. I felt guilty,shamed and just bad.

The breakup

Yesterday, I asked the rhetorical question when is it going to end? Well in regards to the married woman, it ended last night. I did some serious soul searching and came to the conclusion that I just can't do this anymore. I actually felt bad for her husband. From what she told me he is a good guy, gives her freedom(maybe too much) and supports her so she can go to school without working.I actually felt like I have a conscious(sp)...something I haven't felt in years if ever. Anyhow, she came by last night to pick up her math book and I told her it was over. I'll be honest I do miss her but I know deep down its for the best.

Kid weekend continues. My ex wife and I took them to Six Flags for awhile today. It was kind of weird, but fun. I also heard back from the lady with the spinal cord injury clinic that has been emailing me. We spent a good 20 minutes on the phone and I don't want to get my hopes up but it looks good so far. I am at least one of the top candidates according to her. If selected I would attend a month long course in either colorado or new jersey to get trained on training patients with spinal cord injuries. Hopefully Ill know something in the next few weeks or so.

The married girl

Spent most of yesterday with the married girl. Its easy to pretend that her husband does not exist when it is just her and I. Of course when it gets to be after 9pm and she isn't home yet and he calls, reality starts to sink in. After she left, the plan was for her to go home, change and then go out again later that night. As soon as she left home, what did I do? I called another girl and hung out with her and her friends until married girl called me to say she was ready. When is it ever going to be enough for me? What am I trying to prove? When is it ever going to end?

The gym

Lets see...whats been going on in my world as of late...I went by the gym to see what my balance was so I could work out again. you have no idea how much of a role fitness has played in my life the last 7 years or so. I haven't been to the gym since April because I thought I owed them a bunch of money. Turns out it was only $43, so I paid it up and went back again yesterday. I'm sore as hell today, but its a good thing. In addition to being good for your body and mind, the gym gives me back the hobby that i have been missing for awhile..just what i need.
She works out at the same gym as me and since I don't want to accidentally run into her, I'm going to another one. Speaking of Her, I've been thinking about her quite a bit lately...wondering what shes doing, how school is going,etc. I haven't spoken to her since our last conversation and honestly I don't expect to anytime soon or ever for that matter. I've learned to accept the fact that I made alot of mistakes that contributed to things not working out, which is a big step for me. In the past, I 've always wanted to blame everyone else but myself.
I spoke with Sybil yesterday as well. She is an amazing woman, always seems to be in a good mood and can always make me laugh, which doesn't happen that easily. We agreed to try and be friends but today she told me that she just couldn't do it because she couldn't get over how I hurt her in the past.
I am the master at burning bridges.

The jealousy

Not really a whole helluva lot going on today. Its fathers day of course, but my kids are out of town with their grandma..won't be back until tonight. I'm supposed to go to my aunts house for a lunch get together thingy and then I need to study some math. Pretty exciting day. I had a job in Austin last night. My battery was running low on my phone so I turned it off in case I needed it for the ride home. Well the married girl must have called a half dozen times during this and when I finally talked to her on the way home, she was all pissed off. I had to laugh. Here she is with a husband and she is getting mad at me for not answering the phone. I was thinking last night and I actually feel bad for the guy. From what she tells me, he is a nice guy, works hard, buys her whatever she wants. I could maybe justify in my mind what I'm doing if he was a jerk or had cheated on her or something, but its not the case. At the same time, I don't want to stop. Its a vicious cycle.

The affair

I have got to stop drinking. I had an incident this past Thursday. I got drunk watching the Spurs game and ended up calling Sybil. For whatever reason, I asked her if she wanted to marry me. Naturally she said no and naturally I got upset. She is in the US illegally, so after she said no, I told her that I would call the immigration dept and report her. Now I knew that I not really do this, but I really wanted to screw with her..I wanted to make her cry...I wanted to have some sort of control. Why do I do this? I have no idea.

In the past, I have always had a problem with having affairs with married women. The last 2 girlfriends I have had were both such women. Well, history has repeated itself and I have met another girl who was married and have been seeing her the past few weeks. Its as if I enjoy playing a game where I try to break up their marriage. So far I'm 2 for 2 in this department, working on the third one.

The degrading

What a long day today. Its 8:45pm and I'm just now getting home. I had to go into work this morning, had class, study group,side job,picked up my kids and went to my uncles house for my sons birthday get together. I'm beat! Still have to do some more math and get ready for tomorrow,so figured I would update this while I have a few minutes.

I talked to Her yesterday, for what will more than likely be the last time. I called her in the morning, phone went straight to voicemail. She called me back a little later and I went off. I don't know why but I felt like hurting her. Not physically, but mentally. I felt that I would feel better if I degraded her. I called her every name in the book and told her of affairs that she had no idea about, but probably suspected. During this outburst I was like a man possessed. It was like I knew this would be the last time we talked so I wanted to come out on top. Looking back on it, I ended up coming out like a complete loser. She called me crazy...tell me something I don't know.

I heard back from the company that is opening the spinal injury clinic. They said that I sounded like the perfect candidate for the job. They said it probably wouldn't be opened until fall or winter of 2007 and if would consider relocating to their current facility in the meantime. After thinking about it awhile, I think I'm going to do it. They are located a few hundred miles away in east Texas, so some temporary housing would have to be arranged, but if they can work that out, I want to do it. I think I need the break. I figure I can still take most of my classes online and it would only be for a few months. I'm going to talk to them soon to get more details, so I'll keep you updated.

The last straw

Not too much going on the last day or two. My son turns 4 on June 13th so we celebrated his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. Despite the sounds of screaming kids and noisy video games being imprinted on my brain after 3 hours, we had a great time. I invited Her to the party, but she didn't show up. I was pretty disappointed. I thought that our differences aside, she would want to be there for his party, but I guess I was wrong. She said she didn't want to go because she was hesitant to get to involved. It's my son's birthday party for Christ's sake. I don't know, maybe I'm getting upset over nothing, I just think it was the wrong thing to do. Like I said, we still had a great time and I wasn't going to let her bring me down.

I was looking around the internet for part time jobs last night when one caught my eye. It was a post for a personal trainer for people with spinal cord injuries. I figured, what the heck, i'll email them. They wrote back wanting to talk to me. I'm curious to see how that goes. They said it would require a month long out of state training but that the facility would be located in my city. We'll see what happens.

The long day

Wednesday was one of the longest days in recent memory. Okay, technically thats not true as they are all 24 hours, but I mean I had so much going on from basically sun up to sun down that it felt that way. The day started out normal enough...slept in until 8 or so, got my kids ready and dropped them off at daycare. After that it was nonstop busyness. I had class from 12p-2p. This class is no joke. A full semester of College Algebra in 6 weeks is never fun, especially when you aren't too great at math to begin with. After class, my teacher stays for a few hours in case anyone needs extra help. I definitely needed it, so I stayed. I had a side job at 5:30 at a bank maybe 10 minutes from my school. Since I didn't want to drive 25 minutes home just to drive back in rush hour traffic for the job, I stayed at school and finished a good deal of my homework. We have our first test tomorrow, so a few of us from class agreed to meet up at IHOP later to study. Anyhow, I went to the job and as my luck always seems to go, a 1 hour job ended up turning into a 3 hour job. I guess this was okay because we had agreed to met up to study at 8, so I ended up getting here around 8:45. The good news is, I came out of the study session with a pretty good grasp on things, the bad news is that I didn't get out of there until close to 11:30.

Now during this time, I had received several texts from Her. Since I was busy studying, I didn't get much of a chance to reply with a long response and didn't hear her call me around 9:15. This let to her totally making assumptions that I was out and about with another girl. One text said "Yesterday you want to see me today you wont talk to me. Are you seeing someone? I don't know what to think right now. If you told me it might help me out." Another said "Got the hint, good luck and have a nice life. I refuse to let anyone bring me down today. "

What the hell?

I guess she forgot the times when I would call or text her and not get an answer back or the time she hung up when i called and turned her phone off. At this point, the borderline kicked in and I replied something along the lines of have fun talking to and fucking your dude. Her reply was "I will"

Don't really know what to think at this point. Believe me, I woudl have much rather been out getting laid than doing math for hours. My focus is on school first and foremost. Because of the field I'm going into, it is imperative that I do well in this class. I guess she thinks school is only important to her.

The Revelation

Really was starting to stress about the fact that I don't have money to buy my Algebra book today. Instead of being calm and trying to figure out a solution, my thoughts immediately turned extreme and I was thinking oh great, I'm going to have to drop the class which is going to cause me to get behind, which is going to cause me to miss the deadline for the physical therapy program next march. Luckily I was able to bring myself back to earth and I realized that I could just photocopy pages from a classmates book. I guess that was a good example of the whole black and white way of borderline thinking.

Since being off my meds the last few days I have noticed a couple of things. First of all, my appetite has greatly decreased which is a good thing. My energy level during the day has increased where I no longer feel the need for naps in the daytime. The one kind of negative aspect is that I've been having some trouble sleeping at night. I woke up around 3am yesterday and tossed and turned until about 6. It was like I could not shut off my mind. I was thinking about school, my future, my kids and Her. During this time however, I did have a revelation of sorts. I think I realized why the whole girlfriend situation has really been eating at me. I think its due to the fact that my life is really unstructured right now. I mean I have a basic plan for school and all but nothing is concrete. This scares me and makes me feel unstable. In order to become stable I feel like I need a definite girlfriend to keep me in check and instill some sense of normalcy. Of course I could be way off on all of this, but it sounds plausible.

The school

Day 3 of no meds and I guess so far, so good. I spent a majority of yesterday with Her on my mind. I wasn't necessarily depressed or anxious or anything, just had her subconsciously on my mind. She called me this morning to see if I made it through the weekend alive. While I admittedly considered swallowing my whole baggie of emergency pills a time or two, I told her I was fine.

School starts up again at noon today. I don't even have my book yet. College textbooks is the biggest scam ever. The book I need is $90 used and $135 new. I found it online for $15, so I think thats the route I'm going to try and go...just hope it doesn't take forever to receive it. I don't want to get behind from the get go. Hell, maybe I'll just drop the class and take it during the summer II session....I don't know.

Its amazing how having or not having money directly affects my happiness. I just want to run away. I wish I had someone to talk to who knew how I felt. Sure I can talk to my uncle and maybe my best friend, but they are "normal" so they don't understand just how I think. Its like I want someone to smack me upside the head and tell me what I need to do...like I can't figure it out on my own. I think structure is so critical for me and right now I feel like I am just floating through space haphazardly with no real direction.

The reverse placebo effect

If you have ever taken crazy meds before, you may have experienced the placebo effect the first day you take them. Like if you are depressed and take an anti-depressant, you feel immediately happy. Anyhow, I experienced a similar experience yesterday but it was due to NOT taking my meds. My energy level was through the roof. I wasn't tired at all and went through the day nap free. I spoke with my mom and she told me she was babysitting my nephew. I went over picked him up and we hung out for a few hours and had a blast.

I did have a borderline moment however and strangely enough it was with someone whom I was not dating. I have an online buddy whom I'll call Mary who also is borderline. i have known her for close to a year now. She's awesome and unlike any girl I've ever known. Anyhow, somehow Sybil and her became friends on myspace. I get a text from Mary yesterday saying "guess who I'm meeting up with in a little bit?" I asked who? She replied "Sybil." I immediately got upset and felt betrayed ad like I didn't want to be her friend anymore. I got over it of course but it still sucked.

I did find a borderline community in my town on meetup.com that I signed up for. It would be nice to meet and talk to people who know how it feels.

The decision

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.

I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.

The Truth

The last few days have been anything but ordinary. Before I explain, let me provide the back story. I'll change the names to protect the innocent, so the girl I've blogged about in the past and referred to as "Her" we'll call Christine. I started seeing Christine in January of 2006. We had lots of ups and downs and in the summer of 2006, we split up. I met another girl, I'll call Sybil and we dated for awhile. I began to miss Christine, so I broke up with Sybil and went back to her. From then until now I have flip flopped between the two of them. I realized a few months back that Christine was the one I wanted to be with and as I've written here, I waited for her to make up her mind on what she wanted. After a few weeks, I guess I got scared or impatient, I didn't want to end up alone, so I started talking to Sybil behind Christine's back. I told Sybil things that I thought she wanted to hear, like I love you and I want to be with you, get married, etc.

On Tuesday, Christine came over to my house to talk. I was tired of not knowing what she wanted and couldn't handle the uncertainty and I told her as much. She straight up asked me if I was talking to Sybil. I told her I was, she had a few choice words for me and then left.

On Wednesday, Christine and I text messaged each other throughout the day and she agreed to go with my to my uncle's house that night to watch the Spurs game. We had a good time, drank way to much and by the end of the night, we were in my front seat of my car having sex. Right in the middle of it, my phone rang. I knew it was Sybil and Christine knew as well. She got pissed off naturally and wanted to talk to her. For some reason I called her out on it and dialed Sybil's number. Both of them had quite the conversation, basically exposing me for what I was..a manipulating, heartless, selfish, liar. Since Christine rode with me to my uncles, I had to give her a ride home. I guess it was a combination of the alcohol and me realizing that I was caught, but I began to feel full of rage. As I sped home I told her that she wouldn't make it home. This obviously scared her so she jumped out of the car and called a friend to take her home.

The rage was growing more and more by the minute, so instead of just going home, I drove to my father's house. I gave his car a few hard punches and then banged on his front door. He was afraid to open the door, so he spoke with it closed asking me what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to let me in and he said no and said to just go home. I started to cool down at this point so I ended up leaving..after punching his car again and bending his antenna.

On Thursday, Christine and I text messaged each other again and we agreed that we had to meet and talk, so we made plans to meet after I got out of work. Little did I know that Sybil and Christine had exchanged numbers and had talked to each other most of the day and compared notes, if you will. Sybil also wanted to meet me after work to talk, so I met up with her first. I saw a side of her I had never seen before. Long gone was the submissive girl who would believe whatever I told her. She went off on me, telling me she never wanted to see or hear from me again. We parted ways a few minutes later and I headed to meet up with Christine at a restaurant/bar.

Christine and I talked for a while, she asked me questions and I gave her honest answers. After we had been talking for a half hour or so, she told me that she had lied and had had sex with another guy while we weren't talking earlier this year and that she was talking to people at the moment...not dating them supposedly, but just talking to them on the phone. As soon as these words left her mouth, that was all I could think about. We said our goodbyes and I left to meet up with a friend at a bar and then I came home.

So yeah, an interesting few days. Trying to hold on to both of them to avoid being alone has actually caused me to be alone. Whats going through my head now is the double standard. I mean, I think of Christine being with someone else and the thought sickens me. Then I think, wait a minute, look at me and the things I've done.

So where does that leave me now? I want to be "normal" but sometimes I don't think I'll ever change. There will always be another woman who will buy into my bullshit and the pattern will continue to repeat itself. When is it ever enough? I don't understand how or why I am emotionally hollow.

I told my dad that he would end up a lonely old man....maybe I need to look into the mirror myself.