I'm back

wow, I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I'm not really sure why I've been reluctant to do so. Wait, I remember, I was dating a girl in October who found my blog. Obviously I'm not going to post whats really going on just to have her read it. Anyhow, that ended a few weeks back, so here I am again. Work has been keeping me very occupied, which is a good thing for me. I find that I get into more trouble the more free time I have. I've pretty much been working till 6, then working out until after 7 on a nightly basis. Ok back to the girl i dated a while back. She met quite a few of my "qualifications" of what I look for in someone. She was educated, successful, attractive and had large breasts lol. On the flip side, she had a child and one of the strongest personalities I've ever dealt with. Lets break this down a bit.
As far as her having a child, I almost feel bad for saying this, but I want a woman without kids, even though i have 2 of my own. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I'm afraid I won't get enough attention, but instead, its more because I usually disagree with how they are raising them. This is how it was with sybil and this is how it was with the new girl, whom I'll call blondie. Of course I can see it from her daughters point of view...she felt she wasn't getting enough attention from mommy, so she tended to misbehave. Also, I hated the way blondie spoke to her daughter. Her kid was 5 or 6 but she talked to her as if she was a 20 year old..using "big" words, etc. When she would do this, I would literally feel a physical change in myself. My pulse would slow and I would tingle from head to toe. Like rage was building up in me, but i was fighting to keep it inside.
Now as far as her personality...wow..I don't even know where to begin. She was a very intelligent woman..not just book smart, but people smart. This posed a huge challenge for me. I'm used to dating women who are "weaker" for lack of a better term. I tried and tried to break her down, but she wouldn't budge. After awhile, I guess I began to get frustrated,lost interest and ended it.

Anyhow, enough about her. A few weeks ago I met a new girl. She is young, gorgeous,successful and smart. Of course with me there always seems to be a catch. In her case, she is in the military and is on assignment several hours away. I'm still able to see her, but in a few months, she will be moving to Arizona. I laughed to myself when I found this out. It's always something. I have been making a conscious effort to avoid the whole idealization however. I'm not trying to fast forward into thoughts of marriage or anything, but still, i'm unsure of what will happen when she moves.

A friend of mine gave me a 90 day supply of Depakote which I'm going to start taking tonight. I haven't read the side effects because everytime i do, they always occur and i'm not sure how much is in my head or not. Since you are supposed to take them at bedtime, i'm sure they will make me sleepy, thats why i'm waiting until friday night to take them to make sure i won't be a zombie at work.

Speaking of work, its going very well. I found out some good news this week. Instead of them hiring another trainer, they are going to use me instead, which means more working with clients one on one and not just assisting. I'm looking forward to it. I am going to try and keep posts about work fairly vague as my field is a very small one and I don't want my identity revealed to them.

Well I'll try my best to get this updated on a more regular basis from now on.
I feel like its really helpful for me to clear my mind and to hopefully help others in the process.

The excuse

Weekend with the kids started today. Amanda Byrne from Nickelodeon fame was in down promoting her new clothes line and I thought it would be cool for my daughter to meet her. Got the autograph and said hello, so aside from waiting in line 2 hours, it was fun. After lunch and a nap, we went to the movies and then before you know it, it was bedtime. After the kids are in bed, I am pretty much just here with my thoughts. Tonight I started wondering if I sometimes use BPD as an excuse of sorts to justify my behavior. I noticed things turning downhill quickly after I was diagnosed. I somehow wonder how things would be if I never knew. Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that at times, I do indeed use it as an excuse, but there are plenty of moments when I feel like I don't have any control over it. When I don't have control, I can feel a physical change in my body. My pulse slows down and I feel woozy, like I just got punched in the face.
My insurance should kick in this January, so the first thing I'm going to do(aside from getting STD tests) is find a therapist. I am not going to go down the medication route again, however. I feel its way to dangerous. Its been a year since my suicide attempt, or cry for help as my therapist called it and next time, I'm afraid I won't be so lucky.

The updates

I didn't realize how long its been since my last post. Pretty crazy the last few weeks, no pun intended. Quick recap, started the new job on October 1st and so far so good. With my I.T. background, I've been having to spend the last few days doing computer stuff though. I designed our website and helped them select and install equipment. I'm hoping that they will take all this into consideration when they decide my pay rate as I have no clue what I'm making. They gave me a range when they hired me, but I'm not sure specifically. We get paid on Monday so I guess I'll find out then. The people I work with seem pretty cool. Although they have degrees and tons of hands on experience in the field, I don't feel left out or looked down upon, which is a great thing. The closest borderline moment I've had their so far was yesterday. I made a joke and the manager laughed and said how do you come up with that, you're so quiet. I HATE being called quiet. I could feel my lip start to twitch after she said this, which is usually an indicator of an episode, but I played it off. It did stick in my head though most of the day and even this morning. If they asked anybody who knew me well, they would know I am far from quiet. Since I am brand new to this field, I am trying to soak in and learn as much info as possible, so that doesn't leave time for running my mouth all the time. Anyhow, I'm sure they will realize that in time. It did take a bit to get used to working a monday through friday schedule again though, but I'm good now. I was in bed by 10pm last night for the first time in forever. The job is really physical, so by the time I'm done, I'm drained. I can see it being very rewarding though and that is what I am most looking forward to.

In other news, my grandfather went to the doctor a few weeks back and it was determined he needed a heart valve replacement. He wrestled with the decision for a few days, but decided to go through with it. A few days before the surgery an angiogram was done and it was determined he also needed a bypass. He had the surgery last Saturday and has been in the hospital since. Doing alot better each day and I hope and pray for the best. My grandmother has not left his side since Saturday. Thats the kind of love I hope to find someday.

The reminiscing

I was going over some of my old posts and reminiscing, if you will. I realized that it's been about four months now since I last spoke to my father. In this time I have heard not a word from him. No attempt to contact me, nothing. I didn't expect him too try and honestly even if he did I know I would ignore it, but still. It really shows what kind of a person he is. I'm just glad that he didn't answer the door when I came over that drunk night. Who knows what would have happened.

I read through posts about "her" and I realized how much I miss her. The past is the past, I know I need to move on, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Her parents live a few blocks away from me and occasionally I have to drive past their house on the way home. I drove by recently and saw her husbands truck there and I felt like throwing up. I don't really see her car there anymore, so I can only assume she moved back in with him. Oh well, I kind of knew deep down that it would end up that way. I have dated 3 women that were married when I met them and all 3 ended up going back home. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson the first time. I guess that should be my new rule..no more married women or women in relationships.

The sex

I realized something today that I guess I never really thought of before. I realized that when it comes to sex, I'm much more interested in convincing the girl to sleep with me, then I am in the act itself. It's like I seduce a woman and it's great. Then say we start dating and it's a month down the road, I start to lose interest. Not in the girl necessarily, but in having sex with her. Is this normal? This is how it has always been with me, so it makes me wonder. I think it has to do with the whole idealization and devaluation concept that is so common in borderlines. The woman is way up there because she is not giving in to going to bed with me. Once that happens, down she goes..she is trash in my eyes. Nothing to be proud of, just reality.

The sleep

I slept a full 7.5 hours last night. Unless I was passed out drunk, I haven't slept this long in months. As obvious as it may sound, I think the key to this was keeping myself busy throughout the day so I wouldn't take naps out of boredom. Also, instead of being up on the computer right up to bedtime, I shut it off earlier and read for a good 20 minutes. Hopefully it will repeat itself tonight. I had to go into work after I dropped the kids off this morning, got out around noon, worked out and went by our other clinic to help move some things. By the time I was done, it was time to get the kids and go to my uncles for our Monday night get together. I'm rambling, but basically it comes down to keeping myself busy, having some sort of structure and not just laying in bed bored with my thoughts. That is a bad combination.

Relationship wise, I'm talking to a few girls, but so far none of them really grab my attention. They are all sweet,nice, girls in their own way, but I just don't feel the spark I guess. Maybe it's too soon anyhow. Of course, the hardest part is telling them that.I hate confrontation, thats why I usually just blow them off until they get the hint.Then again, I'm probably giving myself too much credit and maybe they are thinking of ways to tell me that they are not interested.

Speaking of confrontation, Sybil and I have been split for a month or so now I guess, but at work, they all think the wedding is still on and everything is great. I'm sure if I wasn't quitting in a few weeks, I would eventually tell them, but since I am, I just don't want to deal with all that.

Just another lie I live.

The Goodfella

It's been a pretty rough week, for no real reason. I have been feeling down, I am always tired and I spend a good amount of my free time lying in bed looking up at the ceiling in a daze. If I can get 6 hours of sleep a night, its a great thing. Since I'm always tired, I end up taking naps throughout the day. I think alot of it has to do with boredom. I think back to maybe 2 years ago. I felt so alive and full of life. Now I am just an empty shell of my former self. I mentioned boredom and I think this is a big part of it. A few years back, hell even last year, I was working full time so I always had something to do. Since I have been working only part time since January, I have way too much time on my hands. The good news is that all this will change shortly. The spinal cord facility is opening up on October 1st. I'm hoping that it all works out well as I feel its a great opportunity. Hopefully I will be able to get out on my own soon. That is another cause of my sadness I believe. As much as I appreciate my grandparents letting me stay with them for free, its really really starting to get to me. I've come home late or been out all night even. It's as if I'm daring them to say something to me so I have an excuse to leave. Not that I have anywhere to go of course.

I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, the gangster classic "Goodfellas". In the final scene, Henry says some words that really stuck with me.

And now it's all over.

That's the hardest part.

Today everything is different.

There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else.

Can't even get decent food.

After I got here I ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce...

...and I got egg noodles with ketchup.

I'm an average nobody.

I get to live the rest of
my life like a schnook."


I realized that this summed up my life.

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying a nobody.

The reflection

"There is no such thing as the perfect person." This simple piece of advice was given to me by my therapist last year and has stuck with me. The problem is, the disconnect between understanding this and actually applying it. You know what I want in a woman? The biggest thing I want is attractiveness. I could really care less what she does for a living, if she's smart, etc, I just want her to be smoking hot. I try to tell myself that other qualities are important, that nobody is perfect,etc, but I still catch myself falling into the physical beauty trap. Aside from my marriage, the longest relationship I was ever in was a little over two years. Looking back, I think that the number one reason it lasted so long was because she was gorgeous. Even after a few years together , I was still just as attracted to her as I was when I first saw her. I would look at her and think, what the hell is she she doing with me? I remember going to a bar or even the store and see guys checking her out and I liked it. It was the ultimate ego trip. I think alot of this stemmed from the fact that I was a late bloomer. I didn't even have my first date until the end of my senior year in high school. n my late teens, I started noticing that women were frequently looking at me/hitting on me. This is where things started going wrong. My ego and self confidence began to grow after each girl I slept with and or dated. Over time, if a not so attractive girl would hit on me, I would think to myself, "is she serious? Does she really think she has a chance with me?" Gone was the shy, innocent boy and in its place was a monster. It was as if I had something to prove as if I was trying to make up for lost time. I was and still am out of control. I don't see people as having feelings of their own. Its as if there are disposable. Nameless,faceless objects, here for my amusement.

Of course, I realize that this is wrong. I wish I could wear a sign or something, saying "danger! stay away!" But then I catch myself falling into the same trap and the cycle repeats itself.

I'm not sure if this post really has a point, other to give you insight into my world.

The journey

I found two things out last night. I found out that it was too soon for me to be dating anyone and I found out that I still have a long road to recovery. It all started awhile back when a girl i used to date got in touch with me again. We talked on the phone awhile and caught up on each others life. We agreed to get together Friday night. The plan was to get a few drinks and then go bowling. I went by her house to pick her up and as she was getting ready I reminded her to bring socks for bowling. I don't recall what she said exactly but basically she wanted to do something else instead. Just like that, I could feel borderline kicking in. I tried my best to control it. I went in the other room and sat down quietly. I tried telling myself that it was no big deal and to let it go, but I just couldn't do it. She asked if I had thought of anything to do and I abruptly said "no". She then said something along the lines of "are you just gonna sit their and pout?" Borderline kicked into high gear and I got up, said nevermind,walked out the door and went home. I knew I was wrong, I tried telling myself to go back and apologize but it's like my brain just wouldn't let me. That has to be one of the most frustrating parts about all this.

Anyhow, I picked my kids up this morning and had a good day with them. The one down part was when my grandmother randomly asked me "what ever happened to that pretty girl who you took to church that time?" She was referring to Her. I told her that she was back with her husband and left it at that. One thing I hate is being reminded of things from my past. Speaking of Her, I came across this poem she wrote and I can only assume it was written about me. Very well written but cut like a knife through the heart.

"Keep your hands to yourself, your senseless

I dreamt of you, disgusted, relentless

Sick almost as if I couldn't breath

I'm done with you, you make me heave

I'm not riddled with guilt

You are riddled in filth

You a dirty excuse for something

Too bad, to me you now mean nothing

I laugh, you said your done with me

No longer blinded I can see

Keep your words and I'll eat mine

Not worth it at all, not worth another line."

The gift

Its kind of funny how things have a way of working out. I had a few jobs yesterday and as I was driving back from one of them, I had to drive past my school. I saw students walking to and from class and it really got me down that I was not one of them. I tried to shake it off the rest of the day, but it seemed to be in the back of my mind throughout the rest of the day. I even had thoughts of pulling out my emergency bag of pills and ending it later that night. Anyhow, I was in my room that evening when my grandmother came and told me that my uncles was here. This wasn't the uncle that used to live with us, but the uncle who owns the house we live at. I thought it was kind of strange for her to tell me this, but I went out to say hello. He said he had heard about my $1 financial aid and asked if I was able to register. I told him no, and that I would have to wait until the Fall II semester to go. Both him and my aunt both have Master's degrees and their 2 kids as well, so education is obviously very important to them. He then proceeds to tell me how he and my aunt wanted to help me out and he pulled out a check for $420. My initial reaction was to say that I couldn't it. I wanted to, but pride set in and I was also ashamed at the fact that I basically blew the money I had saved up for tuition. He insisted and I reluctantly accepted it. I am just not used to people doing nice things for me. I thanked him repeatedly as I fought to hold back tears. I'm even starting to tear up just writing this. It was a very humbling experience and one that I will never forget.

The delete

It has been suggested that I have an addiction to women. What does an addict do when they try to get better? They cut off access to whatever it is they are addicted to. This is what I did today. I started by changing my phone number. Then I gave my number out only to "safe" people. This would be family, friends and girls I didn't have or won't have any history with. Finally I deleted all the number of girls that I had history with. Hopefully this will prevent ill advised drunk booty calls and stop the pattern from repeating itself.

It was kind of like therapy in a way, going through each number. As I was deleting them, I took a minute to look back and think of them. I wondered what "she" was up to..how nursing school was going. I thought about the married girl and was wondering how things were going with her husband,etc. The more time passes, the more I look back on my past relationship in a positive way. I remember the good times more than the bad. I can only hope that over time they will do the same.

The drunk

Today was what should have been my first day back to school. Since I can't go until the Fall II semester, I spent most of the day in bed, depressed. I felt like I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. I guess I was mad at myself more than anything...mad for blowing money when i should have used it for school. oh well, whats done is done and I cant do anything about it. Anyhow, I lost track of the days of being sober, but that ended this past weekend. My ex wife took the kids down to the beach for the weekend and she let me stay at her house, which was nice. On Friday night, I went to a party and ran into a girl that Sybil knew. I was chatting with her and then she started telling me how Sybil "got around" when they used to hang out. Being borderline and hearing this is bad enough but throw alcohol in the mix and its not a pretty site. I remained calm at the party but my mood immediately changed. I lef and went home after only being there an hour or so. It ruined the night. Of course once I got home I called Sybil and gave her a piece of my mind. I don't really remember much of the conversation except for calling her a whore,slut,etc. We had a long chat last night and basically I told her to pretend that I didn't exist anymore. I can't be friends with her. Even if I met another girl down the road and I found out she was dating someone, I would get pissed and try to get back with her...at least thats what has always happened in the past.

The broke

So I stopped by my kids house Saturday morning to pick them up for the weekend. Their mom opens the door and starts bawling. Saying how she can't afford daycare and how its so hard doing it alone. I immediately felt guilty. I told her that I would be right back, went to the nearest ATM, withdrew most of the money I had saved up for school and gave it to her. During this whole time, it was as if I was in a trance..kinda hard to explain, but I had a strange feeling, almost like I was floating. Anyhow I reminded her that I quit my career not because I was lazy but because I felt if I didn't, I would end up dead. She said thanks and then I left with the kids. At this point I have no idea what I'm going to do for school, but I did what I felt I had to do. She has been there for me and helped me out countless times.
The kids and I pretty much chilled out most of the day, went to the park for a bit. I noticed myself being really on edge with them early on in the day. Getting after them for small things. I told them I need to take a break for a little while. I went in my room and relaxed for a while trying to calm myself down. It worked because the rest of the day went fine. We spend a good part of today hanging out at my friends pool, which was nice. I didn't really have anything planned for today, so it worked out well.

Oh and I'm still sober..lost track of the days but I think its around 5.

The sobriety part 2

Another sober day in the books. I have to admit, it was nice to wake up this morning and not feel like crap. The question is, how long can I keep this up? My problem is that when I do things, like drink/eat junk food, I go all out. No moderation whatsoever, all or nothing. I think the fact that school is starting soon and I basically blew my tuition on alcohol is really starting to sink in. Kind of makes it easier to resist. It was also starting to affect my appearance. I was always looking worn out,face seemed puffy, I felt like I was looking my age. Will I make it 3 days in a row? We'll have to wait and see, but its looking good so far.

I found out for sure for sure today that I got the spinal cord injury job. I had to work at the clinic today and really wanted to tell my boss. Its still a month away I imagine, but he has been really good to me and I want to give him plenty of time to find a replacement. What does suck at work is that I told my coworkers about the engagement and they keep asking me how things are going. Naturally I say, they are fine. I figure I will just wait it out and when I run into them later on I can tell them it didn't work out.

The sobriety

Good news. Today is the first time i haven't had a drink in about a week. I drank for a good 4 hours yesterday and spent most of today feeling like crap. I look back at the money I spent on alcohol the last month and I could have easily paid my tuition with it. Lets see what else is going on...I talked to Sybil a few times yesterday. I don't really remember much of what was said. Chatted with her online for a few minutes this morning and that was it. I gave the ring to my daughter, so that pretty much ended things for good. Just another day in my crazy life.

The break up

Don't know how else to but it, but the wedding is off. I guess it was bound to happen. What really started things off was when her ex husband came into town this past Thursday. I called her just to see how she was doing and I got her voicemail. No big deal, left her a message. An hour had gone by and I hadn't heard from her, so I called again and got the voicemail. Sent a text..no response. More time passed and I called one last time...voicemail. I was pretty pissed off at this point since I now had trust issues because of the whole "my friend" incident. I finally got a text from her saying how her and her ex were talking about their son and that she would call me in a bit. This really set me off. I didn't think I was asking for much, I would have been happy if she just would have answered and said, hey we are talking about the baby, so I'll call you later. There is nothing I hate more than being purposely ignored. Later that night she called and I was obviously upset and let her know it. She tried to turn it around on me and said how she didn't trust me because of stuff I did in the past. Then it hit me...she doesn't trust me, I didn't trust her...thats kind of important if not everything in a marriage. I told her that I would be by tomorrow to pick up the ring and she said that she would meet me that night to give it to me. We met at a gas station a few minutes later, no words were spoken and we left just as fast as we arrived.

I spent just about all of Friday in bed. I wasn't sleepy, I was just worn out,depressed and bored. I felt totally alone and it was driving me crazy, so I went by my kids house that night and hung out for a few hours watching dvd's. Saturday I didn't get out of bed until around 11. I killed some time on the computer for awhile and then spent the rest of the day at a friends bbq. There was plenty of alcohol so by the time I left I was pretty trashed and I made the drunk dial to her. She didn't answer after a few calls and when she finally did, she said her ex and her were watching a movie. I went off on her, calling her whore,slut,bad mom...everything I could think of. Of course I didn't really mean it but it felt good to get it out of my system. She called me and alcoholic and that actually made me think. I have drank every day for the last week. Not until I'm passed out or anything, but just a 6 pack, mostly out of boredom I guess.

I feel like I'm in out of control mode,especially when it comes to driving. There are some curvy roads near my house and I love to just floor it and see how far I can push it. When I do this, a weird feeling comes over me. My heart rate slows,I feel numb and almost like I'm in a trance. Its like I'm daring God in a way. When I let off the gas I return to normal and its as if I blacked out for a few seconds.

I met with the spinal cord clinic people last week. It went well and basically the job is mine as long as I pass the background/drug test, which I will. They are trying to get it open in mid September. I got denied financial aid and I screwed off all the money I had set aside for tuition, so I got dropped from the classes I was registered for. I try not to think about all that but I know I need to. I kinda feel like I'm just here taking up space and I have no sense of direction.

I feel alone.

The Friend

An interesting incident happened the other day. I didn't write about it at the time since it was the same day as the memorial for my friends son, but today I want to let it all out. After the memorial, I called Sybil and she was at McDonald's for her sons birthday and she invited me over. I was bummed from the events of the day but told her I would stop by anyhow. So I get there and we hang out for a bit. She has her cell phone and wanted to show me a video of her son. She is flipping through the videos when I see one of some young guy for a brief moment. She then quickly flips to the next one. I asked who that guy was and her response was simply "my friend" I paused and said which one? Her response again was "my friend" Now I've lied and manipulated enough people in my life to know when I'm not being told the truth. I sat there for a minute and then got up and said I was leaving and I headed out the door to my car. As I was getting in, she comes out in the parking lot and asked what was wrong? Again, I asked her who that guy was and she said it was her friend. I asked if they had dated and she said no. I was pissed off, didn't believe her, so I left.

I talked to her for a little bit the next day and we agreed we needed to get together and talk about things. I have my kids this weekend so between the two of us we didn't have much time. Last night I woke up at 4am wide awake thinking about things. I sent her a text but she was asleep so I didn't hear from her until around 8 or so when she called. Once again I asked her who that guy was. I told her that I want to know the truth because it would be better to find it out now than to find out later on. She then said what I knew all along...that they had dated while we were broken up. I then hung up the phone as soon as I heard that as a natural reaction. Anyway after talking a bit more it turns out that this guy was in fact a friend of hers but one night while they were drunk, they made out. They never went out on any dates or anything..at least that what she tells me.

So that leads me to where i am now. I feel confused, betrayed and hurt. Of course she was quick to remind me of all the times I lied and screwed her over but as messed up as it sounds, its like those rules don't apply to me. there is nothing I hate more than being lied to. When I catch someone lying,and I always do, it really really pisses me off. When you lie to someone its because you think they are stupid and that you won't get caught, at least thats how I see it. I hate being played as the fool. Anyhow borderline was in full effect during this whole mess. Its weird because I could actually feel it kicking in. You know that feeling when you are going down a big drop on a roller coaster? Thats how I felt. Almost like a high of sorts. I went from thinking she was the most perfect girl in the world to thinking she was just like every other girl thats been in my life...worthless.

So where do I go from here? Well I imagine that for normal people you just get together and talk about things until you work them out, but thats just not the borderline way of doing things.

The suicide

So I get a call from a good friend of mine yesterday. I don't have too many friends, but this guy I consider one of my best ones. Worked with him for 3 1/2 years. Anyhow, the conversation started out normal enough, I said whats up and he said its been a rough week. I asked him why and he said his son. His oldest son had gotten into trouble a few times over the years so I asked him "is he getting into trouble again?" His response was no, he committed suicide. I was speechless..i mumbled something along the lines of "what the fuck?" He told me his sons doctor put him on prozac 6 weeks ago and he thinks it was a factor. I have to say I agree. When I was on it, I never felt so depressed or suicidal. He told me how the memorial was going to be that night and I told him that I would be there. I came home and that was all I could think about. I'm not sure if this upset me so much because he is a close friend or because I have kids and would never want to experience that. Probably a combination of both. I was sleepy so I tried laying down but I just couldn't. My heart was raising and I had a hard time breathing. I just couldn't get it out of my head. This really affected me in ways that words just don't describe. I decided to get out of bed, pick up my kids and we spend the rest of the afternoon together. The first thing I did was give them both a big hug and tell them how much I love them. I thought back on the times that I got after them for silly things and felt terrible. I thought of the times when I myself wanted to end it all. If I felt this bad when this happened to my friend, how would my kids feel if this happened to daddy?

Talk about a wake up call.

The decisions

There are going to be some big decisions made in the next week or so. Had my interview today for the computer job. It went fine, not sure if they will make me an offer or not and honestly not sure if I would accept it. I also heard from the spinal cord clinic..they will be in town next week to interview me. Hard to say for sure at this point, but from the sound of it, its a formality. She told me that the training would be in San Diego more than likely and that the clinic would open in mid September. Both of these opportunities have a huge impact in what classes I will be taking this fall. I really want the spinal cord job to work out as thats directly in my field of study. On the other hand, the computer job would pay well and I could easily save up money for all the wedding expenses in a month or two. I should know more next week.

My uncle moved out today, so I spend a good couple of hours helping him move his stuff in. He offered to pay me, but even though I'm not too crazy about him, he's still family so I refused.

Things are still going well with Sybil. We decided on a date, May 31. Other than that, just another typical day in my borderline life.

The uncle

So I'm in the kitchen this morning, making my breakfast, when my uncle came in. We made small talk for a bit and then he mentioned how he was moving out on the first. It took everything I had not to bust out with a big grin. I'm sure that sounds mean, but it totally made my day. Not only will I not have to deal with his constant negative attitude about everything and his horrible personal hygiene, but there will be an extra bedroom free so I can finally move some of the kids stuff out of my room and be able to see the floor again. The rest of the day went well..I had 3 side jobs so I was going nonstop from 7-5, but I didn't mind. My tuition is due this Friday so I'm trying to work as much as I can so I can pay it. I'm really not sure what all is going to happen though. I should talk to the lady from the spinal cord clinic this week and depending on that will decide which classes I take.

Everything is still going well with Sybil and I. I told my ex wife about the engagement and it was interesting to say the least. She said that she felt bad for her because Sybil didn't know what she was getting herself into. I told her that actually(and unfortunately) she did. She mentioned how I crushed her while we were together and hoped I didn't do the same to Sybil. I like to think that I am a different person now then I was when I was married. I mean I still have my moments, but at least now I know why I have them.

The test

First real test happened a little over an hour ago. Sybil was getting a phone line and DSL. She wasn't able to get a dial tone, but if you called the number it would ring and not give you the error message. I assumed that the line was active and maybe it was just a problem with her phone. I told her that I could come by and look at it and she said that would be cool. Just about this time it started pouring down rain so I told her I was going to wait until the rain slowed down and then head over. About a half hour later I was heading out the door in a pretty good mood. As I get ready to turn into her apartment, she calls and says that her dad just came home and that I couldn't come over because he would think we were having sex or something. My mood flipped and I could feel a borderline moment coming on. She said her and her son were leaving out the door and that we could meet up somewhere. I did my best to remain cool on the phone but inside I wanted to scream.

We met up at McDonalds and I tried my best to get over it but it was hard. I didn't storm off or anything, I just kept quiet for the most part. After dinner we left and I returned home. I guess I have a hard time understanding her relationship with her father because I haven't lived with mine for so long. Even then my relationship with my parents is completely different. Hers is like a teenager/parent relationship and mine is more of a acquaintance relationship. I guess I'm not used to parents or anybody for that matter having any control over me. I'm doing my best to deal with it and trying to understand it though. I love her and thats all that matters.

The new approach

Still engaged, still happy. I decided that to resist any sort of temptation, I'm going to go through my phone, delete the numbers of girls that are not just friends and then change my phone number. Now I know you are probably thinking that I should be able to control myself, but honestly its not always that easy. In the past, if there was an argument with my girlfriend, I would go through my list and call someone up. This made me feel a little better initially, but then the guilt would set in and I'd be miserable.

I'm also trying a new approach to how I look at her. Instead of putting her so high on a pedestal and making her unreasonably perfect, I have realized that she is human, she has faults, she is not perfect, just like me. Hopefully this will prevent me from devaluing her the minute she says or does the wrong thing.

If there is one area that I think could potentially cause problems it will be with our children. By our children, I mean my kids and her son. We both have very different way of raising them. For example, I make sure my kids are in bed by 9pm at the latest. With her, their are times when she will call me at 11pm and they are at the grocery store. I think most of this is due to the fact that she is a single mom and since she works full time, its just not that easy to do what she needs to do alone. I'm sure we will work out some sort of compromise later on down the road.

The engagement

Let's see..just what have i been up to lately...I've had the kids this weekend and had a good time. Took them to chuck e cheese, the zoo and six flags. I bought clear taillights,corner lights and side lights for my car, making it just about the way i want it. This made me very happy..I think I actually smiled when it was all said and done.




Oh yeah, I also proposed to Sybil and she accepted. I have no doubt that she loves me. She goes out of her way at times just to make me happy. Like when I was diagnosed with bpd, she went out and bought a book on it so that she could learn more about it.I spent a long time looking for that perfect someone when all along she was right in front of me. Its all still a long ways off, we don't plan to get married until a year or so. In the meantime, just going to take it one day at a time. I haven't told my family yet. We first met nearly a year ago and dated off and on during that time. In all that time, she never met my family, for reasons I'm not sure of. It sucks because they met married girl on 4th of July, so I can't just out of the blue say"oh yeah, this is sybil, we are engaged." I'll wait a few weeks and then bring her around and go from there.
I did sit down and talk with my daughter last night though and told her. She is my number one priority. Honestly if she told me daddy, i don't want you to get married or I don't like her, then I wouldn't do it. I just explained that she(my daughter) is the most important girl in my life and always will be. She said she was okay with it and I tried to reinforce the point that things won't change by taking her to six flags today..just the two of us. I think thats the important thing..to not get caught up in everything that I don't make time for her. With all of her own mental issues, that is the last thing she needs. Sybil has a son of her own and I've decided than I'm not going to all of a sudden rush into doing stuff together all of the time. I figure we can do it gradually.

So yeah..thats what I've been up to-

The future

Kid weekend ended this morning. Had a good time overall. The weather was actually nice for a change so we weren't stuck inside the whole time. My daughter had her birthday party on Sunday and it went well.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn't have work,school or side jobs so it was nice to not do a damn thing. Speaking of jobs, I have a few updates. I heard from the lady who is opening the spinal cord injury clinic yesterday. She just wanted to touch base and she mentioned how both her and her business partner have considered me as the top candidate for the spinal cord injury trainer position. They will be in town the first week of September and would like to meet me. I hope to hear something soon so I can finalize my school schedule. If I was offered and accepted the position, I'm sure I would have to take my classes online as she mentioned how I would be out of town for a month to get certified. I also heard from the computer job people. They are holding off on the hiring until August but mentioned I am still in the running. The more I think about it the more I don't want to do it, but I'll make that decision when and if the time comes.

The international

Been a busy last few days. As I mentioned previously, I do jobs on the side, computers and tv's. I have done 13 jobs in the last 3 days which has kept me more than occupied. More importantly, it has filled my bank account which is a great thing. I really realize just how happy money makes me. Money may not buy you love but it definitely buys me happiness. I have been able to set money aside for my fall tuition just in case the student loans don't go through in time. My energy level has been amazing, I'm all motivated and what not.
Something pretty cool happened today. I have a friend who is a flight attendant. I talked to her today and she wants me to go on some flights with her. She works strictly international so i'm really excited. Once I get my passport i can travel with her for 20 bucks. She is headed off to england and then rome and then who knows where else. I think this is an opportunity I just can't pass up.
Other that, pretty much the same old same old..i have the kids this weekend, so i'm going to head out for the evening..who knows where the night will end up.

The Birthday

It was 9 years ago today that my daughter was born. I will never forget how it felt to hold her for the first time. I have it on video and the look on my face is pure joy...brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. Normally I tend to write about the negative things in my life, but I just can't do that today. My daughter is my world and I am convinced that she is the reason why I am still alive today. Anytime I think about ending it all, I think of her and my son and I just can't go through with it.

Don't worry, I'll return to my usual bitch and moan session tomorrow, but for now, all I can say is happy birthday baby.

The final

I had my Algebra final today. I have a really hard time when it comes to taking tests. I know the subject and concepts, but when it comes down to it, my mind goes blank. Anyhow, I bombed the final. I'm not sure what I made on it, but my average for the class turned out to be a C, which really sucks. As soon as I saw my grade, the borderline kicked in. The whole black and white thing was in effect and my mind immediately turned to thoughts of how I'm never going to get into physical therapy school because of this one grade. I guess I got over it after a while once I realized that I really have no one to blame but myself. I really didn't apply myself and distractions seemed to really screw me. Speaking of school, I was supposed to take English for the Summer II session, but didn't have the money for tuition..so unless they let me pay late, i'm off until the Fall.

I was contacted by a recruiting company last week. They wanted me to come in for an interview so i went in this past Friday. It went well and they are going to recommend that I have an interview with the actual company. I'm really torn about this. On one hand I would be making enough money to be able to move out of my grandparents and get back on my feet. On the other hand, the job is in IT and I really hate to have to go back to that. I swore I never would when I "retired" from it last fall, but I guess life is always full of surprises. Going back to working in IT is like admitting defeat in my eyes. If I got the job I still would continue with school of course, there is no doubt in my mind about that. Who knows maybe they would offer insurance that would cover therapy? I'll keep you updated.

The small world

Today started out typical enough. Did some homework for a few hours and then headed off to Six Flags. As my date and I are in line for one of the coasters, a tall thin Caucasian male catches my eye. I knew I had seen him before, but couldn't recall where. I rapidly scanned the database in my brain and then I realized who it was. It was Her husband. When I say Her husband, I don't mean married girls husband, but HER husband. As he walked past I looked to see if She was anywhere nearby but I did not spot her. I thought to myself "small world" and then proceeded to board the ride. A little while later, the "small world" got microscopic.

We were in line for my favorite coaster when I notice Her and her husband in the exact same line. I avoided eye contact with her out of awkwardness I guess, but my heart beat began to speed up and my mind began to race. Part of me looked at her husband and thought, bro, if you only knew the things your wife and I have done together. I smiled smugly to myself and continued to move through the line. A little while later I realized that I knew this would happen. By that I mean, I knew that eventually her and her husband would get back together. Of course this is only pure speculation as they could have just gone together as friends, but I'm sure its just a matter of time.

I figured it would happen because she is going through a tough time right now. She doesn't have a job and as a full time student is struggling to make ends meet. What do people do when the going gets tough? They go back to what they know and to what they are used to. If thats the case, I'm kind of disappointed in her as I didn't think she would be that weak. Like I said, I could be completely off on this, but if not, good luck to her. Although in my mind that would make her a whore.

Lets see, what else has been going on...a week or so ago, Sybil called me saying that she hated to admit it but she really missed me. She said she went out on a few dates but felt weird because the guys weren't like me. I met up with her and after awhile we started talking about getting back together and giving it another shot. This ended a few days later however. We were talking on the phone when she gets another call. Turns out that it is none other than Her. I didn't get all the details of what was said but she did tell me that she was asked if she still talked to me. Sybil replied no. The borderline kicked in and I immediately got pissed off. In my mind, I was being kept a secret again. This is the same reason that I ended things with Her and with my girlfriend prior to that. In Sybil's eyes, the friendship with Her seemed more important than a relationship with me, so things ended once again, just as quickly as they started back up.

Just another week in my crazy life.

The decision

Thanks in part to some great advice from my readers, I made the decision not to continue things with married girl. It was a mutual decision actually so it wasn't too bad. I'll be honest i really really really hope she doesn't get pregnant...i have no clue what the hell i would do or what she would do...it still pisses me me off..i mean what the hell was i thinking? I did bring that up when we talked and she said that she would be sure to tell me if in fact that happen. One more week of class left and then I will do what i have always done and erase her from my life completely.

The deep thought

Been doing some thinking about what happened the other night with married girl. I realized that its all about having control and power. With the married girl, I know that all it would take to ruin her life would for me to tell her husband that his wife is cheating on him. With Sybil, I had power because I knew that all I would have to do to ruin her life would be to call immigration and have her deported. With Her, I had power because I knew all i would have to do to ruin her life would be to tell her parents and husband that we had been dating for the last year.

This part I get. The reasoning behind it escapes me. Why do i crave th is so much? I feel like I am trying to punish people but i don't know why. I need to see a therapist that works with bpd but until i get insurance I'm afraid it just isn't going to happen.I really don't know what its going to take..wish there was a support group here in town..but i guess i can't change until i actually want to change. Its like I'm not happy unless there is some sort of drama in my life. I sit here and say how i want to change and i want to be happy but i know i really don't. i'm comfortable with being fucked up.

The women

So I'm sitting at my computer getting ready to write this post. I had yahoo open and all of a sudden i get the notification that She was on. As soon as I saw her name, it was as if my heart stopped. Its been a few weeks since I last talked to her but there hasn't been a day that goes by when I don't think of her in some way or another. Seeing her name today was sort of a wake up call though. A wake up call saying that she was no longer in my life.

I also heard from Sybil today. I got a text saying "are you ok?" I replied back saying that she didn't care, but yes I was fine. We talked for a minute or two and she told me that she couldn't be my friend, that maybe sometime later on we could but not anytime soon. Immediately the borderline kicked in, the switched turned on and instead of my thinking that I really hurt this girl and understanding, my thoughts turned into ones that she was abandoning me so screw her. I said something to the effect of see ya and then hung up on her.

Finally the married girl came over last night to do some homework. After awhile it was like I had no control of myself. I took her to my room and we ended up having sex..this time however I finished but left it in. What the fuck was I thinking? What would happen if she got pregnant? Of course during the act these things didn't cross my mind. Afterwards however, I was flooded by them. I felt guilty,shamed and just bad.

The breakup

Yesterday, I asked the rhetorical question when is it going to end? Well in regards to the married woman, it ended last night. I did some serious soul searching and came to the conclusion that I just can't do this anymore. I actually felt bad for her husband. From what she told me he is a good guy, gives her freedom(maybe too much) and supports her so she can go to school without working.I actually felt like I have a conscious(sp)...something I haven't felt in years if ever. Anyhow, she came by last night to pick up her math book and I told her it was over. I'll be honest I do miss her but I know deep down its for the best.

Kid weekend continues. My ex wife and I took them to Six Flags for awhile today. It was kind of weird, but fun. I also heard back from the lady with the spinal cord injury clinic that has been emailing me. We spent a good 20 minutes on the phone and I don't want to get my hopes up but it looks good so far. I am at least one of the top candidates according to her. If selected I would attend a month long course in either colorado or new jersey to get trained on training patients with spinal cord injuries. Hopefully Ill know something in the next few weeks or so.

The married girl

Spent most of yesterday with the married girl. Its easy to pretend that her husband does not exist when it is just her and I. Of course when it gets to be after 9pm and she isn't home yet and he calls, reality starts to sink in. After she left, the plan was for her to go home, change and then go out again later that night. As soon as she left home, what did I do? I called another girl and hung out with her and her friends until married girl called me to say she was ready. When is it ever going to be enough for me? What am I trying to prove? When is it ever going to end?

The gym

Lets see...whats been going on in my world as of late...I went by the gym to see what my balance was so I could work out again. you have no idea how much of a role fitness has played in my life the last 7 years or so. I haven't been to the gym since April because I thought I owed them a bunch of money. Turns out it was only $43, so I paid it up and went back again yesterday. I'm sore as hell today, but its a good thing. In addition to being good for your body and mind, the gym gives me back the hobby that i have been missing for awhile..just what i need.
She works out at the same gym as me and since I don't want to accidentally run into her, I'm going to another one. Speaking of Her, I've been thinking about her quite a bit lately...wondering what shes doing, how school is going,etc. I haven't spoken to her since our last conversation and honestly I don't expect to anytime soon or ever for that matter. I've learned to accept the fact that I made alot of mistakes that contributed to things not working out, which is a big step for me. In the past, I 've always wanted to blame everyone else but myself.
I spoke with Sybil yesterday as well. She is an amazing woman, always seems to be in a good mood and can always make me laugh, which doesn't happen that easily. We agreed to try and be friends but today she told me that she just couldn't do it because she couldn't get over how I hurt her in the past.
I am the master at burning bridges.

The jealousy

Not really a whole helluva lot going on today. Its fathers day of course, but my kids are out of town with their grandma..won't be back until tonight. I'm supposed to go to my aunts house for a lunch get together thingy and then I need to study some math. Pretty exciting day. I had a job in Austin last night. My battery was running low on my phone so I turned it off in case I needed it for the ride home. Well the married girl must have called a half dozen times during this and when I finally talked to her on the way home, she was all pissed off. I had to laugh. Here she is with a husband and she is getting mad at me for not answering the phone. I was thinking last night and I actually feel bad for the guy. From what she tells me, he is a nice guy, works hard, buys her whatever she wants. I could maybe justify in my mind what I'm doing if he was a jerk or had cheated on her or something, but its not the case. At the same time, I don't want to stop. Its a vicious cycle.

The affair

I have got to stop drinking. I had an incident this past Thursday. I got drunk watching the Spurs game and ended up calling Sybil. For whatever reason, I asked her if she wanted to marry me. Naturally she said no and naturally I got upset. She is in the US illegally, so after she said no, I told her that I would call the immigration dept and report her. Now I knew that I not really do this, but I really wanted to screw with her..I wanted to make her cry...I wanted to have some sort of control. Why do I do this? I have no idea.

In the past, I have always had a problem with having affairs with married women. The last 2 girlfriends I have had were both such women. Well, history has repeated itself and I have met another girl who was married and have been seeing her the past few weeks. Its as if I enjoy playing a game where I try to break up their marriage. So far I'm 2 for 2 in this department, working on the third one.

The degrading

What a long day today. Its 8:45pm and I'm just now getting home. I had to go into work this morning, had class, study group,side job,picked up my kids and went to my uncles house for my sons birthday get together. I'm beat! Still have to do some more math and get ready for tomorrow,so figured I would update this while I have a few minutes.

I talked to Her yesterday, for what will more than likely be the last time. I called her in the morning, phone went straight to voicemail. She called me back a little later and I went off. I don't know why but I felt like hurting her. Not physically, but mentally. I felt that I would feel better if I degraded her. I called her every name in the book and told her of affairs that she had no idea about, but probably suspected. During this outburst I was like a man possessed. It was like I knew this would be the last time we talked so I wanted to come out on top. Looking back on it, I ended up coming out like a complete loser. She called me crazy...tell me something I don't know.

I heard back from the company that is opening the spinal injury clinic. They said that I sounded like the perfect candidate for the job. They said it probably wouldn't be opened until fall or winter of 2007 and if would consider relocating to their current facility in the meantime. After thinking about it awhile, I think I'm going to do it. They are located a few hundred miles away in east Texas, so some temporary housing would have to be arranged, but if they can work that out, I want to do it. I think I need the break. I figure I can still take most of my classes online and it would only be for a few months. I'm going to talk to them soon to get more details, so I'll keep you updated.

The last straw

Not too much going on the last day or two. My son turns 4 on June 13th so we celebrated his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday. Despite the sounds of screaming kids and noisy video games being imprinted on my brain after 3 hours, we had a great time. I invited Her to the party, but she didn't show up. I was pretty disappointed. I thought that our differences aside, she would want to be there for his party, but I guess I was wrong. She said she didn't want to go because she was hesitant to get to involved. It's my son's birthday party for Christ's sake. I don't know, maybe I'm getting upset over nothing, I just think it was the wrong thing to do. Like I said, we still had a great time and I wasn't going to let her bring me down.

I was looking around the internet for part time jobs last night when one caught my eye. It was a post for a personal trainer for people with spinal cord injuries. I figured, what the heck, i'll email them. They wrote back wanting to talk to me. I'm curious to see how that goes. They said it would require a month long out of state training but that the facility would be located in my city. We'll see what happens.

The long day

Wednesday was one of the longest days in recent memory. Okay, technically thats not true as they are all 24 hours, but I mean I had so much going on from basically sun up to sun down that it felt that way. The day started out normal enough...slept in until 8 or so, got my kids ready and dropped them off at daycare. After that it was nonstop busyness. I had class from 12p-2p. This class is no joke. A full semester of College Algebra in 6 weeks is never fun, especially when you aren't too great at math to begin with. After class, my teacher stays for a few hours in case anyone needs extra help. I definitely needed it, so I stayed. I had a side job at 5:30 at a bank maybe 10 minutes from my school. Since I didn't want to drive 25 minutes home just to drive back in rush hour traffic for the job, I stayed at school and finished a good deal of my homework. We have our first test tomorrow, so a few of us from class agreed to meet up at IHOP later to study. Anyhow, I went to the job and as my luck always seems to go, a 1 hour job ended up turning into a 3 hour job. I guess this was okay because we had agreed to met up to study at 8, so I ended up getting here around 8:45. The good news is, I came out of the study session with a pretty good grasp on things, the bad news is that I didn't get out of there until close to 11:30.

Now during this time, I had received several texts from Her. Since I was busy studying, I didn't get much of a chance to reply with a long response and didn't hear her call me around 9:15. This let to her totally making assumptions that I was out and about with another girl. One text said "Yesterday you want to see me today you wont talk to me. Are you seeing someone? I don't know what to think right now. If you told me it might help me out." Another said "Got the hint, good luck and have a nice life. I refuse to let anyone bring me down today. "

What the hell?

I guess she forgot the times when I would call or text her and not get an answer back or the time she hung up when i called and turned her phone off. At this point, the borderline kicked in and I replied something along the lines of have fun talking to and fucking your dude. Her reply was "I will"

Don't really know what to think at this point. Believe me, I woudl have much rather been out getting laid than doing math for hours. My focus is on school first and foremost. Because of the field I'm going into, it is imperative that I do well in this class. I guess she thinks school is only important to her.

The Revelation

Really was starting to stress about the fact that I don't have money to buy my Algebra book today. Instead of being calm and trying to figure out a solution, my thoughts immediately turned extreme and I was thinking oh great, I'm going to have to drop the class which is going to cause me to get behind, which is going to cause me to miss the deadline for the physical therapy program next march. Luckily I was able to bring myself back to earth and I realized that I could just photocopy pages from a classmates book. I guess that was a good example of the whole black and white way of borderline thinking.

Since being off my meds the last few days I have noticed a couple of things. First of all, my appetite has greatly decreased which is a good thing. My energy level during the day has increased where I no longer feel the need for naps in the daytime. The one kind of negative aspect is that I've been having some trouble sleeping at night. I woke up around 3am yesterday and tossed and turned until about 6. It was like I could not shut off my mind. I was thinking about school, my future, my kids and Her. During this time however, I did have a revelation of sorts. I think I realized why the whole girlfriend situation has really been eating at me. I think its due to the fact that my life is really unstructured right now. I mean I have a basic plan for school and all but nothing is concrete. This scares me and makes me feel unstable. In order to become stable I feel like I need a definite girlfriend to keep me in check and instill some sense of normalcy. Of course I could be way off on all of this, but it sounds plausible.

The school

Day 3 of no meds and I guess so far, so good. I spent a majority of yesterday with Her on my mind. I wasn't necessarily depressed or anxious or anything, just had her subconsciously on my mind. She called me this morning to see if I made it through the weekend alive. While I admittedly considered swallowing my whole baggie of emergency pills a time or two, I told her I was fine.

School starts up again at noon today. I don't even have my book yet. College textbooks is the biggest scam ever. The book I need is $90 used and $135 new. I found it online for $15, so I think thats the route I'm going to try and go...just hope it doesn't take forever to receive it. I don't want to get behind from the get go. Hell, maybe I'll just drop the class and take it during the summer II session....I don't know.

Its amazing how having or not having money directly affects my happiness. I just want to run away. I wish I had someone to talk to who knew how I felt. Sure I can talk to my uncle and maybe my best friend, but they are "normal" so they don't understand just how I think. Its like I want someone to smack me upside the head and tell me what I need to do...like I can't figure it out on my own. I think structure is so critical for me and right now I feel like I am just floating through space haphazardly with no real direction.

The reverse placebo effect

If you have ever taken crazy meds before, you may have experienced the placebo effect the first day you take them. Like if you are depressed and take an anti-depressant, you feel immediately happy. Anyhow, I experienced a similar experience yesterday but it was due to NOT taking my meds. My energy level was through the roof. I wasn't tired at all and went through the day nap free. I spoke with my mom and she told me she was babysitting my nephew. I went over picked him up and we hung out for a few hours and had a blast.

I did have a borderline moment however and strangely enough it was with someone whom I was not dating. I have an online buddy whom I'll call Mary who also is borderline. i have known her for close to a year now. She's awesome and unlike any girl I've ever known. Anyhow, somehow Sybil and her became friends on myspace. I get a text from Mary yesterday saying "guess who I'm meeting up with in a little bit?" I asked who? She replied "Sybil." I immediately got upset and felt betrayed ad like I didn't want to be her friend anymore. I got over it of course but it still sucked.

I did find a borderline community in my town on meetup.com that I signed up for. It would be nice to meet and talk to people who know how it feels.

The decision

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. I realized something. I have hurt countless amount of people over the last few years, but I don't think I've actually been hurt until the other day. When she told me how she had slept with another guy while we were broken up, it destroyed me. It was a wake up call. I realized that the pain I felt from hearing that was probably how other people have felt because of things I've done to them.

I've made a decision. After a month of feeling constantly tired and seemingly worse off...I'm quitting my meds. I've noticed that I'm just not myself. I'm not overly happy or sad for the most part, just kind of existing and I don't like it. I've had more than one person point that out to me. I don't feel motivated to do anything, even things I loved, like working out. I sleep 9 hours a night, but still take 2-3 hour naps throughout the day. I'm sitting here looking at a baggie with 4 Trileptals, 2 Risperdals and 1 Prozac and I'm tempted to take them all. I just want to run away from everything and start over new somewhere far away. Obviously I can't because I have kids, but it's so tempting. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...you're problems will still be there, but I'm in I don't care/fuck it mode right now. I called around yesterday looking for an inpatient facility but naturally they all require insurance which I don't have. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself or someone else.

The Truth

The last few days have been anything but ordinary. Before I explain, let me provide the back story. I'll change the names to protect the innocent, so the girl I've blogged about in the past and referred to as "Her" we'll call Christine. I started seeing Christine in January of 2006. We had lots of ups and downs and in the summer of 2006, we split up. I met another girl, I'll call Sybil and we dated for awhile. I began to miss Christine, so I broke up with Sybil and went back to her. From then until now I have flip flopped between the two of them. I realized a few months back that Christine was the one I wanted to be with and as I've written here, I waited for her to make up her mind on what she wanted. After a few weeks, I guess I got scared or impatient, I didn't want to end up alone, so I started talking to Sybil behind Christine's back. I told Sybil things that I thought she wanted to hear, like I love you and I want to be with you, get married, etc.

On Tuesday, Christine came over to my house to talk. I was tired of not knowing what she wanted and couldn't handle the uncertainty and I told her as much. She straight up asked me if I was talking to Sybil. I told her I was, she had a few choice words for me and then left.

On Wednesday, Christine and I text messaged each other throughout the day and she agreed to go with my to my uncle's house that night to watch the Spurs game. We had a good time, drank way to much and by the end of the night, we were in my front seat of my car having sex. Right in the middle of it, my phone rang. I knew it was Sybil and Christine knew as well. She got pissed off naturally and wanted to talk to her. For some reason I called her out on it and dialed Sybil's number. Both of them had quite the conversation, basically exposing me for what I was..a manipulating, heartless, selfish, liar. Since Christine rode with me to my uncles, I had to give her a ride home. I guess it was a combination of the alcohol and me realizing that I was caught, but I began to feel full of rage. As I sped home I told her that she wouldn't make it home. This obviously scared her so she jumped out of the car and called a friend to take her home.

The rage was growing more and more by the minute, so instead of just going home, I drove to my father's house. I gave his car a few hard punches and then banged on his front door. He was afraid to open the door, so he spoke with it closed asking me what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to let me in and he said no and said to just go home. I started to cool down at this point so I ended up leaving..after punching his car again and bending his antenna.

On Thursday, Christine and I text messaged each other again and we agreed that we had to meet and talk, so we made plans to meet after I got out of work. Little did I know that Sybil and Christine had exchanged numbers and had talked to each other most of the day and compared notes, if you will. Sybil also wanted to meet me after work to talk, so I met up with her first. I saw a side of her I had never seen before. Long gone was the submissive girl who would believe whatever I told her. She went off on me, telling me she never wanted to see or hear from me again. We parted ways a few minutes later and I headed to meet up with Christine at a restaurant/bar.

Christine and I talked for a while, she asked me questions and I gave her honest answers. After we had been talking for a half hour or so, she told me that she had lied and had had sex with another guy while we weren't talking earlier this year and that she was talking to people at the moment...not dating them supposedly, but just talking to them on the phone. As soon as these words left her mouth, that was all I could think about. We said our goodbyes and I left to meet up with a friend at a bar and then I came home.

So yeah, an interesting few days. Trying to hold on to both of them to avoid being alone has actually caused me to be alone. Whats going through my head now is the double standard. I mean, I think of Christine being with someone else and the thought sickens me. Then I think, wait a minute, look at me and the things I've done.

So where does that leave me now? I want to be "normal" but sometimes I don't think I'll ever change. There will always be another woman who will buy into my bullshit and the pattern will continue to repeat itself. When is it ever enough? I don't understand how or why I am emotionally hollow.

I told my dad that he would end up a lonely old man....maybe I need to look into the mirror myself.

The lyrics

Nothing left to say
And all Ive left to do
Is run away
From you

And she led me up, down
With secrets I cant keep
Close your eyes and sleep
Dont wait up for me
Hush now dont you speak
To me

Wrap my hurt in you
And took my shelter in that pain
The opiate of blame
Is you broken heart, your heart

So now Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
Ill betray my tears
To anyone caught in our ruse of fools

One last kiss for me...yeah
One last kiss good night

Didnt want to lose you once again
Didnt want to be your friend
Fulfill a promise made of tears
And crawled back to you

Now Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
And Ill betray myself
To anyone, anyone but you

So let the sadness come again
On that you can depend on me
Until the bitter, bitter end
When good sleeps in bliss

And Im all by myself
As Ive always felt
And Ill betray myself
To anyone

The children

The whole situation with my dad has really got me thinking the last few days. While I do my best to be the best dad I can be, I still will catch myself being lazy. Today I was determined not to let that happened. I still have the kids for the weekend and they were with me all day because of the holiday. I took them to the park for a while, we threw the football around quite a bit and we spent a few hours at my uncles house. I think there is a difference between being there for your kids and "being there" for your kids. I try to spend every day with them as if it was the last, as cliche as it may sound. Too many parents take their kids for granted. The old adage that "they grow up so fast" is so damn true.

I'm not sure if it is the Prozac or the Trileptal, but I have been getting incredibly tired during the day. I have been sleeping great at night, getting a good 8-9 hours. I wake up and am fine for a few hours, but by lunchtime I'm exhausted and usually end up falling asleep for an hour or 2. I'm not sure what all I can do. I do feel like the meds are helping though, so a little drowsiness is more than a fair trade off.

The spill

A less dramatic day today. My father replied to my email, but to be honest I haven't read it yet. I'm not really sure why, but I suppose I will...some day. I'm just not ready right now. I've noticed that the borderline switch can occur with anyone and not just a women I am in a relationship with. I was having a fun time at dinner tonight when a glass of water accidentally spilled on the table and some ended up on my shorts. You would have thought it was the end of the world. Luckily I didn't made a big scene, but my initial reaction was one of anger and I wanted to just get up and leave the restaurant. Seems pretty silly looking back on it. Accidents happen and I'm glad that I'm finally able to recognize trigger points and so far have been able to control them.

The letter

Here is a copy of the letter I wrote my father and emailed to him yesterday. I felt strange as I was writing it, almost light headed, but by the time I was done I felt peaceful. I haven't heard back from him or from anyone in the family yet, but I'm sure he's read it by now. Without further ado:



I'm writing this letter to tell you that I am cutting off all ties to you. You have

failed me as a father for as long as I can remember. I am convinced that one of the biggest

reasons I am suffering from mental illness is due to the effect you had on me. When I say

suffer, I mean I literally suffer, you have no idea. Your actions never cease to amaze me. I

don't understand how someone can be so selfish and inconsiderate their whole life. You are

going to die a lonely old man. You can only burn so many bridges before there are none left.

Do you remember when i was around 6 years old and you made me touch you? How about when I was

10 and you would shower with me? There is not a fucking day that goes by that I don't think

about that. You really need psychiatric help. Here is my theory on why you are so fucked up.

You realized you were gay or a cross dresser when you were young. Because you didn't want to

dissapoint grandma, you got married and have basically spent your whole life living a lie to

appease her. This must have frustrated you, so you took it out on your family. Now before you

start saying I'm not gay or whatever, don't waste your breathe, I'm not stupid, I've seen the

physical evidence. You are only kidding yourself.

I have never forgotten the time when I was getting divorced and needed somewhere to

stay. I asked you and instead of saying "of course" like most parents would, you suggested I

stay at my uncles. Of course I knew the reason behind this, you were selfish and didn't want me

to be a cock blocker, for lack of a better term. You also put way too much importance on

money and material possesions. You do know that when you die they don't go with you right?

You always bitch about not having money or make sure I pay you back, yet you have a whole

house full of crap. Here I am barely getting by and you make it a point of letting me know

that you expect me to pay you back for the books you bought for me. I honestly had no

intention of paying your sorry ass back. I figure its the least you could do. A parent should

be willing to help out their children and be there for them no matter what. You have taught

me how to be a good father by showing me how a bad father should act. I cannot ever imagine

treating my kids the way you have treated me. It just blows my mind. You wonder why my

sister doesn't have much contact with you? Its probably because she realized a long time ago how worthless you are.

As far as I'm concerned you have lost a son and two grandchildren, so enjoy your life

of selfishness. I'm writing you this letter instead of telling you in person for your own

safety. There is no doubt in my mind that if I was face to face with you I would destroy you.

and frankly, you aren't worth going to jail for.

Don't bother calling, writing or trying to get in contact with me. I'm washing my hands of

you. I hope you look back on your life and think of all that you wasted and all of the people

you have fucked over and I hope it makes you feel like shit.

The father

Like I mentioned earlier, yesterday was dad's birthday. It came and went without a phone call from me and I did not attend the get together. I spoke with my mom today and she told me how my sister called him to wish him a happy birthday. She said he went off on her, saying something along the lines of fuck this, you kids don't care, etc. He is a real piece of work. I have no doubt that he has some sort of mental illness as well, dude is just not right in the head. On a positive note, he has made me a better father by showing me how a father should NOT act. If I'm ever going to get better, I think I need to confront him and let go of all of my feelings. I will probably have to write a letter instead of face to face. I could see myself being out of control and don't feel like going to jail for his sorry ass. The way I see it, he'll get his one of these days.

The end

Well, well, well...yesterday was quite the test for me. Things started out ok, dropped the kids off at school, went to work and came home. I was "up" most of the day and it felt really great. Anyhow, I went to my uncles house to watch the Spurs game and thats where the fun began. She sent me a text saying how she was going to watch her friends son baseball game. I responded saying that she was invited to come over and watch the game when she was done. No response. I figured, no big deal and had a good time watching the game and having a few beers. A little later I sent her a (drunk) message saying"i have to admit I'm a little disappointed, but oh well, I'm used to it". Still no response. I figured, what the hell, so I picked up the phone and called her. It rang twice, the phone picked up and then I got hung up on without a word. I thought, there is no way she would hang up on me, maybe it was an accident. So I waited a minute and called back. Her phone was turned off and it went straight to voice mail. I was stunned, I could feel the anger building up in me. My breathing sped up and my skin turned red. I took several deep breathes and stepped outside for a minute to get some fresh air. When I came back in the house, I felt a sense of peace come over me. It was as if things made sense now. I realized that it is over with us.

The party

Long day today. My ex wife hired me to help her move stuff from her old house to her new one. I was exhausted by the time I was done, but it worked out great because now i have enough money to cover tuition for the summer I session.

An tough situation has come up. This week is both my uncle and my dad's birthday and there is a get together for them on Thursday. I really really don't want to be there around my father but on the other hand, I hate to not be there because of my uncle. My uncle has even told me thats its probably best for me to cut off all ties to my dad and that he would understand if I didn't go, but its not that easy. Their mother, my grandmother is 90 years old as is basically the queen of the family. You don't ever want to piss her off because she can hold a grudge like no other. Obviously if I skip the party, she will disown me. I know it seems kind of extreme, but you really don't know her. At this point I have no idea what I'm going to do. The thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. I have a few more days to figure it out at least, so only time will tell.

The drunk dial

Went to my uncles house to watch the Spurs game last night. I had to drive past Her house on the way home and to my surprise, her car was not there. I was immediately pissed off because she had told me she couldn't drive her car anywhere since it was wrecked. I tried calling her and it went straight to voicemail. In my drunken state I left her a mean message. She called this morning wondering what the hell? She said she had to take her sister to run some errands and her phone battery died. I believe her, but it still lead to a long conversation which ended up with me still feeling like shit because I am a secret. She told me the other day that if we were officially together(whatever that means) then she would tell her family. I'm not buying that, I think its just an excuse. I'm not sure what I want at this point. I think the worst part is that we may never know what could have been since we never really had a fair shot. Guess thats life sometimes.

Had a good day overall though, took my daughter to her soccer game and then took her to see Shrek the Third, which was hilarious. Things have been okay here at my house lately, but that may be due to the fact that I am rarely ever home. Aside from the stuff with Her, things have been on the up and up lately...its about time.

The diet

My diet has really really sucked the last month or so. Its really strange, because for the last 6 years I have followed a super strict regimen of perfect diet and intense workouts, almost to the point of becoming obsessive. I mean, I even had a spreadsheet where I logged all my meals to the gram. Lately, I've really slacked off and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I just got burned out on it or if its stress/depression related or what. I would say I eat poorly maybe 40% of the time as opposed to maybe 5% the last few years. The worst part is, when I eat bad, I eat really bad. I just finished a Big Mac, Double Cheeseburger and fries a little while ago actually. I know I'm disciplined and frankly vain enough not to let myself go completely, but its starting to piss me off.

I talked to Her a few times today. Earlier this evening, she told me she was going to go hang out at her sisters house for a while. Just a few weeks ago, her doing this caused me to flip out, but today it wasn't a big deal for some reason. I don't know if the medication is working or if I've just become indifferent.

The side job

Interesting day today. Even though I "retired" from the I.T. world, I still work as an independent contractor doing jobs on the side. It sucks, but it pays well. Anyhow, I had a job this morning to replace a display on a laptop. I printed out the instructions on how to replace it and headed out to the job. I get out there, follow the steps to replace it and then I power it up to test it. To my dismay, their was nothing at all on the display. All of a sudden I felt an episode coming on. I started to sweat, but I got the chills at the same time. My heart rate sped up and I began to breathe heavily. The only thing I could think about was getting the hell out of there. Of course I knew it wouldn't be that easy because if I just got up and left, I would be more than likely be suspended or terminated by the company that routes the jobs to me. I ended up telling the customer that the part was defective and we would have to have a new one ordered. I am the type that hates confrontation. I really didn't feel like calling the company whom I was doing the job for and explaining to them, so I just updated the work order saying that it didn't work and and the part must have been defective. I requested that they route the work order to another tech as I would be out of town for the next week. At this point I have no idea if everything will be cool or if I will get termed by the company. I'm hoping it will work out as I really depend on these jobs to make ends meet. Its always something...

I also spoke with Her today. She wanted to get out of the house and suggested we go to the park for a hike. I didn't have anything else going on so I accepted. I felt kind of strange for some reason, I didn't feel like myself...felt really mellow. We hiked a few miles then rested and talked for awhile. We didn't talk about us much, just about random things. Later she suggested grabbing a few margaritas, so we went and had a few. I started to loosen up a bit and we had a really good time. Its like her heart wants to be with me, but her brain tells her no. Not much I can do at this point but wait it out, but for each day that goes by, I feel we are growing further and further apart.

?

Got a few texts from her today, met her for a few drinks, she left mad, I left confused. Other than that, a great day

The estimate

Today was pretty good overall. I was really tired though. I try to take my Trileptal around 8 or so, but didn't take it until close to 10pm last night. I ended up taking 3 naps as a result. Oh well, its nice to not have school for a few weeks. Speaking of school, I got my grades for this last semester and got a B in math and an A in English. I have no idea how that happened but I was happy. I was thinking I would get 2 C's.
I had planned to go with my uncle today to get an estimate from the body shop on his car. I woke up and remembered I had a side job and also needed to take my daughter to her therapist appointment, so I figured I would go with him on Wednesday. I get out of bed and the first thing my grandma says is "are you going to be able to see about the car today?" I know my grandma means well, but it really annoyed me for some reason. Instead of blowing up, I was calm about it. I called my ex wife and arranged for her to take my daughter to her appointment and my uncle and I went to get an estimate after my job. I was expecting the damage to only be a few hundred dollars, but I was wrong. They ranged from $550 to $835. I knew there was no way I could pay this out of pocket.
It's funny just how fast my mind works. Once I heard what the estimates were, my brain started racing. Instead of analyzing the situation, I immediately went extreme. I though, great I'm going to have to quit school for the summer, quit my job and get a full time job. All this happened within a few seconds. Anyway, I came back down to earth and I let my ex know the damage. She finally told me it was okay to use the insurance to cover it, but she would be dropping the insurance afterwards. Thats a huge weight off my shoulders.

Put to the test

Had an eventful day today. Started off fairly normal, went to church then to lunch with the family for mother's day. On our way home from lunch, I'm driving and I hear POP coming from my car and I knew I had a blowout. I was a good 4-5 miles from home, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot. I could feel an episode starting to come on. Hard to explain, but its just a feeling i had inside me. I knew I had no spare and figured most tire shops would be closed on a Sunday. My first instinct was to want to yell and hit something. Surprisingly, I was very calm. I analyzed the situation and placed a call to my mom of all people. She was able to make some calls and find a shop that was still open. She came by, picked up my tire and had them put a new one on. I was quite pleased how I handled myself. Baby steps...

Didn't hear from Her at all yesterday, but sent her a text while i was stranded and "chatted" with her for a bit. It was funny because she gave me the same advice I had given her just last week...sometimes you have to ask people for help.

In the real world

Strange day yesterday in regards to Her. I talked to her a few times throughout the day and things once again seemed normal. I guess something is wrong with my phone because she sent me several texts and I didn't receive them until hours later. By that time I had already gone to the bar. I didnt completely overdo it, but I stayed there quite a long time. I didn't notice any weird side effects combining the prozac with alcohol, but I know I shouldn't be mixing them just to be safe. I got up early to take my daughter to her soccer game and then we came back to the house for the start of my kid weekend. My mood today is slightly up than down, which is nice. My energy level seems good and I feel like doing things besides just laying in bed.

In the real world

In dreams we do so many things
We set aside the rules we know
And fly the world so high
In great and shining rings

If only we could always live in dreams
If only we could make of life
What, in dreams, it seems

But in the real world
We must say our goodbyes
No matter if the love will live
It will never die

In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

When we were dreaming heart to heart
I wish that we had stayed right there
For when the dreamers do awake
The dreams do disappear

In the real world
There are things that we cant change
And endings come to us
In ways that we cant rearrange

I love you, and you love me
But sometimes we must let it be
In the real world
In the real world

Four things

Four things happened yesterday that really put me to the test.

1. Moving in with my sister is not going to happen after all. Turns out her landlord has already rented out her house to his assistant. So it looks like I'm stuck here indefinitely.

2. The other day I had my car started, put it in neutral with the emergency brake on and I went in the backseat to look for something. The car started rolling down the hill in front of my house and ended up running into my uncles car. Put a good size dent in the bumper. Initially he was cool and said "its just a car" I figured I could save up money over time and then pay for the damage. My insurance deductible is $500 and I think the damage is less than that. Anyhow, yesterday my grandma asked me twice who my insurance was with. I'm guessing he wants it fixed soon which sucks. I could pay for it sooner, but thats my tuition money. Normal people would probably just be like, lets work out something, but as a borderline, i went to the extreme and starting thinking, great, i'm going to have to quit school to pay for this.

3. I lost my drivers license and have no idea where it is. I need that license to pick up the parts for my side jobs at fedex. no side jobs=no extra money.

4. I heard from Her yesterday. We exchanged emails throughout the day...small talk mostly. After everything else that had happened yesterday, I was feeling really down and I really needed someone to talk to. I asked her if she wanted to come over for a little bit. She said she wasn't able too because she had wrecked her car the other day and wasn't sure if it would make it. She lives a few blocks away, but said she couldn't walk because there was a flash flood warning. This really made me feel like shit. I could have easily just gone to her house to pick her up, but I couldn't because I'm a secret to her family. I may have my flaws, but I think I deserve better than that...i know i deserve to be treated better than that.


I took my trileptal last night for the first time again. It kicked my butt, I slept in till 9am which is really late for me. Trileptal, along with Lexapro is what I overdosed on last year, so I made sure to give my pills to my grandparents to dispense. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Restricted

I got my meds yesterday morning. The doc started me out on 600mg of Trileptal and 20mg of Prozac. Usually they tell to take a certain dosage for a week or so, then they bump it up, but he didn't mention anything about that, seems like a pretty low dose, but we'll see. It's better than nothing.
Got a phone call yesterday morning, my caller ID said "Restricted" I answered it and it was Her. I asked her why she blocked her number and she replied that she was calling from home. This really made me feel like shit. To give some background, she lives with her parents. She is still legally married even though her and her husband have been separated for over a year. Because her parents are supposedly these hardcore Catholics and loved her husband, they never knew that her and I were dating. It was almost like I was having an affair...with my own girlfriend. I always hated this and the fact that she had to block her number reminded me of how shitty it felt. I still don't know why she blocked it. I'm guessing she blocked it because she didn't want me to go all crazy and call her house or something. Maybe she was afraid I would call and tell her parents how we dated off and on for over a year. I never did get an explanation, but I knew that I would never do that out of respect for her family. Anyway, that set the tone for the whole conversation, it felt really awkward. I am happy though that I didn't go all crazy and do something stupid like hang up on her. I wouldn't want things to end like that. I'm still waiting to find out what her decision is,but she has a ton of other things going on in her life, so understandable, I am kind of on the back burner. So I wait.

a visit to the doctor

I get up super early this morning, there is excitement in the air. It's the day of my much awaited psych eval. My appointment was at 8am and I was told before that I should be seen right away since I was the first appointment of the day. Didn't quite happen that way. I finally was called around 8:45, so I had a good hour to do nothing but sit in the waiting room and people watch. I must say, I felt pretty damn normal, compared with some of these cats. There was miss talkingtohearselfthewholetime lady, seated next to mr. haventseenashowerinmonths man, to name a few.
Anyhow, I get in to see the doctor and after getting asked the routine questions he tells me, I agree with your previous diagnosis of borderline, but I will have to put you down as Bipolar II because its easier to get funding that way. This really showed me how uncommon bpd must be. I just want the best treatment I can get and since I don't have insurance through a big company and have to depend on the county poor people coverage, my hands are pretty much tied. Anyhow, he gave me a script for Trileptal, which is what I took last year and felt it really helped, and he was also going to give me one for Celexa. I asked him what his thoughts on Prozac where instead. After reading this article
a while back, I really wanted to give it a shot and he agreed. Its going to be delivered tomorrow morning, so I can't wait to see the results. I'm looking forward to getting the placebo effect from taking it the first day or two, those are always great.
Aside from that, I just went to work, came home, slept for 3 hours and now am getting ready to go watch some basketball...not a bad day or not a great day today, but somewhere in between I guess. I heard from Her earlier in the day through texts, but nothing major. It's weird, the longer time goes by with her making the decision, the more i've started to accept it.